Have you ever watched a loved one die?
It has been over 7 years since I watched my mom die in front of my own eyes early in the morning on my 22nd birthday.
She was only 48 and passed from brain cancer, which she had been battling for 2 1/2 years at that point. I had watched the horrors she went through, the extreme physical and mental changes that morphed my mom into somebody I couldn't recognize, eventually she became bedridden and unresponsive (a few months before the end). Then, I watched her die on my birthday.
7 years later, I'm successful, have a loving partner, many hobbies, many dear friends, a good life. But it's like the grief has become worse, I get these random flashbacks or desperately painful questions bouncing around in my mind without even being triggered by anything specific. I think: what were her last words to me? When was the last time she really saw me, recognized me? Did she realize we were with her as she was passing? Was I a horrible daughter due to my teenage angst and depression? Would we have been friends in adulthood? Could she feel the pressure of my hand on hers as she lay dying, and had she tried her best to hold on just to see one last birthday of her daughter's? The flashbacks, all the unanswered questions; they make me feel physically sick and so alienated from my partner and friends, though I try my best not to show it.
So I guess what I'm asking is for a little community to feel less alone. Did you watch your loved one die slowly? How has this affected you? I feel like a secretive freak sometimes, holding this all in from the people I love, but god, it's such a morbid topic that it's hard to talk about with someone who has no idea what it feels like.