My take when it comes to blame
In reading through many of the posts on this subreddit, I've found a common point of tension to be the topic of blame. I've found this whole idea of someone’s problems being able to be pinned to just one thing to be detrimental to everyone involved.
The biggest reason blame works as a concept, is to enforce accountability. If the thing you’re blaming can’t be held accountable, then whatever you’re trying to achieve is a waste of time. But that’s not even the core of my point. Whatever it is that got these people to be in this sort of situation is almost always a combination of factors outside of their control. The thing is, an incel's life usually has many issues, and being sexless is usually just one of the easiest things to pin their misery on. High neuroticism can contribute to a hopeless state of being. That's not something someone can choose to leave behind. What about a bad upbringing? What if the person was bullied, or is disabled. It’d be dishonest to assume that every bad part of someone's life was caused by their own doing. The first question that should be asked is "what got me here?"
The flipside of this is the second question: "What will get me out of here?" The point of tension lies within the fact that even if incels aren’t the cause of all of their problems, they are certainly the only person that is able to solve them. A big logical fallacy that almost all incels fall for, is believing that they deserve to have whatever caused their problems also be the thing to solve their problems. Sorry, but your high school bully isn’t going to apologise for embarrassing you in front of your crush. And to be frank, even if your high school bully did apologise, the chance it would provide any meaningful change within your life is very slim.
It frustrates me very much to see a lack of understanding surrounding this concept coming from both sides. As I said, incels often fall for the "I deserve to have whatever hurt me fix me" fallacy. However, I also find people that attack someone for falling into inceldom to be incredibly close-minded (even if it doesn't happen on this sub). People find it very easy to point the finger when they don't realise just how little separates them from falling into that exact same hateful mindset aside from circumstance. Maybe I am naive, but I can't help but believe that noone wants to be an incel. You look at the common issues expressed on this sub: loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, neuroticism. And I just can't help but ask "Why would anybody wish that upon themselves?" To compound this point further, I'd go so far as to say this sub relies on the fact that being an incel sucks.
Forgive the wall of text.
TLDR: Don't pin blame on one thing, instead look at both what got you here and what will get you out.