r/IncelExit

Hello, I am 26 years old, and I am not happy with my dating life like most people on this subreddit. I missed out on dating experiences while in high school and college due to health issues, which have put me behind socially. I have never had sex or even a girlfriend despite trying to date after getting my health issues fixed. I feel like women aren't attracted to me, whether that be physically, emotionally, or mentally. I'm also not really close to my friends as much since they are all married and starting to have kids, so they understandably have less time to hang out with me. I also am not close to my family, as I am an only child, and both my dad and my mom decided to walk out of my life to pursue other interests. So, besides the weekly therapy sessions with my therapists, I don't really have anyone else I talk to. I want to experience love, but I have only been rejected on dating apps, and I live in a small town with not much to do. Women have even made fun of me for my lack of experience. I'm afraid that the longer I stay single, the weirder I look. I am also aware that with each year that passes, I'll most likely become less desirable in a shrinking dating pool. I am lucky if I manage to go on one date a year. Most of these dates go to a second one, but after that, they either ghost me or tell me I'm sweet but only see me as a friend, then ghost me. I feel like I am average-looking and have desirable traits, but I'm not good enough for someone to want to date me. What am I missing?

I recently came across a post in another sub from a 21 year old virgin discussing how the blackpill wrecked his confidence. He said he discovered it at 16(!) and said he has a hard time making friends or trying to date because the blackpill made him think he is worthless.

This kind of story seems increasingly common and it is similar to my own experience (though I am much older). It makes me really sad that this is happening to many young men nowadays. I'm not typically conspiracy minded but it almost feels like some kind of psyop to destroy men's confidence.

I'm not really sure what the answer is other than that there needs to be more anti-blackpill guidance for young men out there. The blackpill seems like it's permeated into most male self improvement spaces.

Hi guys, well as the title says, I want to stop thinking about this so much.

I can be "normal" but when I see a post about a happy and healthy couple I get triggered and get a manic episode, I start buying lots of fast food and cry a lot, and I feel exhausted, I don't hate anyone, I can't be in a relationship due to some health complications, it sucks ass, it really does, but I feel like I've cried enough about it, but I still get triggered.

I feel like I've moved on a long while ago, I know better than anyone my position and my circunstances, but I feel like I'm never going to stop grieving the life I'll never have and I'm going insane because of it, leaving common reddit virtue signaling, does anyone here have any good ideas? I'm sure that I'll get the same advice as always but maybe I'll get lucky.

tl;dr pretty older sister saw my inc*l forum posts as an ugly guy

My older sister always was much more popular than me

growing up. She was athletic and on sports teams and had many boyfriends in high school. She always hung out with the popular guys. Meanwhile I have always been more reclusive.

Our mother had an alcoholism and drug problem when she was pregnant with me. So I have facial signs of fetal alcohol syndrome and have an uncanny appearance. I am also a little overweight. Women have always been mean to me and I'm openly laughed at in public sometimes. I asked out a few girls, all not conventionally attractive and they laughed me off.

I am on the inc*ls.is subreddit because it helps me vent my issues with people that get me. All the therapists I visited never helped me and couldn't understand my problems. Although yes I'm a bit bitter and it shows in some of my posts I think it is validated by my life.

Anyways I left my laptop open as I was checking replies on my latest forum post and went to the bathroom. My sister came in my room to tell me to take out laundry and she saw my post talking about how I am a virgin and resentful of women.

When I came back she was crying that I was an incel and a horrible person etc.. I want to repair my relationship with her. I don't want to go to therapy as they just gaslight you and I want to remain on the forum.

Hi, it’s been 7 months since I left my toxic friend because of his narcissistic personality & questionable political beliefs.

He’s not entirely a incel, but he ended a friendship with a girl because he accused her for being a crazy woke psycho and he has the same view towards most women in our area, which I got influenced by.

What motivated me to leave was I had a better connection with another friend and they pointed out his red flags when discussing about him.

Now I’m mostly alone but at the same time I’m trying to start over with new friends and it’s hard for me to connect with others. Any advice on starting over after leaving a toxic incel?

In reading through many of the posts on this subreddit, I've found a common point of tension to be the topic of blame. I've found this whole idea of someone’s problems being able to be pinned to just one thing to be detrimental to everyone involved.

The biggest reason blame works as a concept, is to enforce accountability. If the thing you’re blaming can’t be held accountable, then whatever you’re trying to achieve is a waste of time. But that’s not even the core of my point. Whatever it is that got these people to be in this sort of situation is almost always a combination of factors outside of their control. The thing is, an incel's life usually has many issues, and being sexless is usually just one of the easiest things to pin their misery on. High neuroticism can contribute to a hopeless state of being. That's not something someone can choose to leave behind. What about a bad upbringing? What if the person was bullied, or is disabled. It’d be dishonest to assume that every bad part of someone's life was caused by their own doing. The first question that should be asked is "what got me here?"

The flipside of this is the second question: "What will get me out of here?" The point of tension lies within the fact that even if incels aren’t the cause of all of their problems, they are certainly the only person that is able to solve them. A big logical fallacy that almost all incels fall for, is believing that they deserve to have whatever caused their problems also be the thing to solve their problems. Sorry, but your high school bully isn’t going to apologise for embarrassing you in front of your crush. And to be frank, even if your high school bully did apologise, the chance it would provide any meaningful change within your life is very slim.

It frustrates me very much to see a lack of understanding surrounding this concept coming from both sides. As I said, incels often fall for the "I deserve to have whatever hurt me fix me" fallacy. However, I also find people that attack someone for falling into inceldom to be incredibly close-minded (even if it doesn't happen on this sub). People find it very easy to point the finger when they don't realise just how little separates them from falling into that exact same hateful mindset aside from circumstance. Maybe I am naive, but I can't help but believe that noone wants to be an incel. You look at the common issues expressed on this sub: loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, neuroticism. And I just can't help but ask "Why would anybody wish that upon themselves?" To compound this point further, I'd go so far as to say this sub relies on the fact that being an incel sucks.

Forgive the wall of text.

TLDR: Don't pin blame on one thing, instead look at both what got you here and what will get you out.

In a YT short a man interviewed a women on the street about incels. She said that men will get laid by simply not being assholes. This gave me a realization.

In the video she's making the assumption that every incel has a social life, just like herself. She probaly thinks they frequently go out, do activities, talk to people (normal things), but are rude to women.

I have basicaly no social life, and surely many incels are the same. The few people I meet is family. But this isn't the norm, it's actualy very unusual, but I don't think about it often. I'm so far away from being normal in this way.

I (and maybe you too) are incels because we never meet anyone to do it with.

Hope this is the right place to post this...

I am still an incel. Per definition, I feel like I’ve grown massively since I’ve been in uni. Worked a lot on my appearanxe, have quite a lean build. Met so many new people, blew up my life with all sorts of hobbies, am academically excellent. My friends would all call me enjoyable and nice (alr I get how this sounds) I’ve done all this improving. But I just keep and keep and keep getting rejected all the time. Now, sure you might say, that can happen. But christ it’s so shit. I actually have dated 3 girls for three-ish months (seperately over 2 years) and each time it didnt work out. The first time, it just didnt work out from her side. The other she “wasnt feeling for a relationship” and then got with another guy a month later. And now also a week ago “you live too far” even though we had been dating (irl, if I have to specify) for three months and she lives half an hour away. And all I can make up from this is that I’m still just not good enough, too ugly, because sure my physique is good but my face is hidious. And that’s all that keeps going around in my mind.

I have sought professional help through a therapist, went for one and a half years ago. And pure love to her, she helped me get rid of my body dysmorphia (as in face) from me being too disgusted of myself to look into the mirror to now being okay with it. But after a while it just stopped working.

Soo. Yea, what do I do? (Sorry for the bad English, I’m not native and I tend to write slightly too much as I’d speak)

I don’t really know how to articulate this well but I’ll try my best, I am an ugly individual and I struggle with adhd, for most of my life I have felt extremely unhappy with who I am and myself in general, I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember and I can recall many times attributing my sadness directly to my appearance and my inability to speak to women, it is incredibly demoralizing watching your normal peers get girlfriends and live normal lives while your left alone and with an immense self hatred, I’ve been mocked for my looks countless times and women are repulsed by me for the most part, I recall this one time a girl who disliked me for no apparent reason looked at me walk past her laughed at me with her friends and pretended to throw up at my mere appearance, all of this has collimated with me hating myself, in the past few years I had developed body dysmorphia and to a more extreme extent anorexia (over it now ofc) and I simply just dislike myself, mainly bcuz of my appearance , I don’t think my appearance would have bothered me that much if it just ment being ugly but it’s gotten to the point where I believe I am/have missed out on important aspects of life because I am ugly, I would regard myself as having an interesting set of interests and being well read but I feel as if no one would know that scant for a few friends because for the most part people are repulsed by my appearance or my inability to communicate, I guess what I’m looking for is the answer to the question: does it get better? Because I don’t feel it will because frankly it hasn’t, I’ve hated myself and have made myself into a recluse because of appearance and my treatment as a result of my appearance so how can I cope with it all how can I move past it all? How am I able to come to terms with it all and accept life as an ugly person?

So I am a 25 year old male virgin. Never even kissed a woman

My experiences with women in my life have been overall positive, most of my friends are women as a matter of fact, I find I click with them a bit better than I do with men on average. Like at parties, im usually hanging with the women there a lot of the time

However, I don't feel I am seen as a sexual option by them. I think my body language reading ability is pretty good, i can tell what they are feeling at the moment and adjust accordingly, it comes natural to me. However, I have never felt what it was like to have a woman what is straight up into me. I can see when they are into other men, but they don't do those things to me.

I avoid blaming women for this so I try to look internally. Originally I didnt think I was ugly, but if from all these interactions with women I've had through my life, I dont stumble into any opportunity for dating, kisses, sex, it must mean I am ugly. So I pretty much accepted that now. If someone were to ask what makes my face ugly, i cant pinpoint anything specific, but based on dating app results(~only 1-2 matches per month) and irl reactions, women never giving even the subtlest of signs. That i must be very ugly. I have even posted my dating profile and they told me the photos were good, they tell me small improvements but yeah.

I have never asked a woman out or even tried flirting. I just feel my attempts to flirt wont be welcomed. I also feel its just difficult for me. There is such a slim margin of error between just being too platonic, and oversteeping boundaries. This size depends on how attractes she is to me. Plus there has never even been a time where it felt natural for me to try to flirt with a woman so any attempt will feel forced from my POV. I am scared to ask women out because I made a post in a different subreddit and I was told that it is weird to ask out a woman without any previous flirting.

All of this I feel is what is preventing me from getting any sort of dating sucess. I really want to get over this hump but I dont even know where to start. It is too overwhelming

EDIT: A lot of you are getting the wrong impression about my body language statement what i must be some outcast who is not "present". The only reason I bring up body language is because a lot of the time, on previous posts, I get asked or get assumptions that I must be bad at reading people. That does not apply to me. I understand and know that body language is unconscious, however I did my best to make an attempt to describe it in words and now false assumptions are being made about me. I would like to clear the air that no, i am not consciously trying to force myself to make adjustments when talking to people.

27M, socially awkward as fuck, possibly autistic. I have never been able to talk to women, I'm uncomfortable talking to anyone but especially women and especially women I'm attracted to. My brain shuts off and I can't form words. I stutter, shake, sweat, mumble and look like an idiot. Even at work, I sometimes avoid customers who I find attractive because it makes me so uncomfortable and nervous.

I have tried so much to get women interested in me, and it's always the same thing. I'm "nice" but not dateable, I'm "sweet" or "safe" but never fuckable, ever. If I've managed to talk to a woman before with romantic interest, almost every single time she goes for a hotter guy who's more sociable and I get to stay friends if I'm lucky. Which is actually not lucky, it's torture. One time I THOUGHT I was going on a date with a woman, she fucking invited another guy to meet her there and I ended up just being the DD to take them both home later. Why the fuck did I do it? I have no idea, I'm pathetic and stupid apparently.

Miraculously I have a girlfriend now, but honestly, we never ever have sex. She sees me again as "safe" and "nice" but not fuckable at all. She's been with something like 40 guys before, and she sees me as a contrast to those guys. Someone she's not obligated to have sex with but who will clean up after her, pay her bills, do everything for her and she doesn't have to do anything. We have sex MAYBE twice a year and I can tell she is not enjoying it, just does it reluctantly so I'll keep taking care of her.

I think about leaving but then realize hey, bad sex twice a year is still MUCH better than I ever had before. Before this relationship, I went probably 5 years without so much as touching a woman. Not even a hug or anything Ffs. I DID a lot for women in that time hoping, but I always just got used and discarded for a hotter guy with better social skills. I've been the cucked friend like 1000 times in my life.

So I stick around in this relationship where frankly I'm really unhappy, but I genuinely don't think I could do any better. Even if she's using me, I consider it a miracle that any woman even gives me the time of day. I think even if I did leave, my chances at sex would be going from maybe 0.001% chance to absolute 0. I don't have the social skills or confidence to even TALK to a woman, so how could I expect to ever find sex or a relationship again? And even if I can talk to a woman I'm always just nice at best and that's it. Frankly it seems like women don't want nice, they want cocky asshole guys and just rely on me simping and doing shit for them. Even my own current girlfriend.

I guarantee she is thinking about all the other hotter more confident guys she's been with all the time, but knows they didn't do everything for her like I do. She has a very comfortable life and doesn't have to do anything, including she doesn't have to have sex with me at all. She KNOWS I'm inexperienced and lack confidence and uses that to her advantage tbh. She knows I won't leave, because I couldn't do any better anyway.

I hate being just nice but never fuck able, a good friend but never a lover, I'm so sick of even my girlfriend not seeing me as a sexual being whatsoever and seemingly just enjoying the life I give her, even though we're ostensibly just roommates at this point.

I've started to think a lot about how you're either destined to get laid or not, you're either physically built a certain way or you're not, you either have charisma and confidence or you don't, and I'm condemned to have none of these things. Even at my physical prime, THAT'S when that one woman roped me into being DD for her and a better guy, after we had been talking for months. I'd be lucky enough to get a first date, a few times, and get ghosted afterwards every time.

Again my current girlfriend is using me, and enjoys the comforts I give, but doesn't see me as sexual or even as a boyfriend I don't think. I'm so pissed lately that I'm just condemned to be frustrated and used for the rest of my life and will never enjoy mutual love and physical relationships with anyone

Me personally i find the biggest issue in dating is that i dont have a STAND (Politics, religion, philosophy) etc.

I am a christian man but i have leaned and moved like a pendulum on many of my views. I seem to "understand" where both sides are coming from.

Does this general CONFUSION or playing both sides affect a serious relationship. Im SURE it does to a certain degree so anybody who has had radical shifts of opinion could u ADVICE me please???

Edit: Thanks to everybody who commented. I really appreciate the effort this community took to help me out. I wont have been able to see these blind spots and the reality check to improve on without all you guys efforts! 🤝

I wouldn't say I was ever an incel. I did have a few romances here and there in university, but in my early mid-20s a lot changed and I did have a lot of struggles with depression, feeling hopeless, having trouble finding a date, and I almost did go down the red pill pipeline. At my lowest I would just avoid women at all costs - in an elevator for example, I would make sure to stand at the opposite corner, put my head down, and look at my phone even if there was nothing to look at. I was ashamed to be in their presence.

I went from that to multiple dates in a month, and then I am in an amazing happy relationship with a woman that I definitely would like to marry one day.

I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel very compelled and give advice to help others get through it so they can enjoy the same things I enjoy.

May I share what my personal experiences have taught me about women and navigating relationships and how I found success in another post? I did make another post on a dating subreddit which I can link to or cross post here, but I wasn't sure if the rules allow for that. I just don't want to come off as being an expert or I'm gonna sell a course or something, because I'm neither of those. I'm just a man.

Thank you all for reading. I really think solution-based positive and supportive places like this are very necessary to fix men's issues.

This is my first ever post on here so I should qualify that I am not an incel in the “traditional” sense as I never got into the whole internet incel scene of sexism/extremism but I am a man in my late 30s who has have never hugged or even held hands with a woman (much less dated or had any physical intimacy) - just never happened to me for a myriad of factors.

Recently someone I met a while ago wished me a happy birthday out of the blue and we got to talking and maybe it was due to getting another year older but I figured “What do I have to lose, she is attractive and I’m not getting any younger” and unbelievably she said yes to going out sometime. Now I am kind of panicking as obviously I’ve missed out on all the experience of preparing for dates and have no idea of what is acceptable to wear and how to present yourself.

I tried looking at some of the men’s fashion and style subreddits but a lot of it is “advanced” for lack of a better word and for someone like me who isn’t attractive or charming a lot of the style advice is something I can’t pull off. Not to mention going out and buying an entirely new outfit would feel a little uncomfortable like I’m not being myself and worst case would make me seem inauthentic.

For people on here who managed to get a date, how did you approach this issue? I’m not a slob by any means but I definitely don’t think my day to day wear is good for making a first impression (90% of my clothes are generic plain items as I try to avoid making any sort of identity out of how I look)

I have been off the dating apps for a while now, and I’m very reluctant to go back on for a couple reasons. One being that I barely got matches in the first place. The other reason being the likes I got were, to be blunt, all overweight women. I don’t body shame and all but I’m simply not attracted to bigger women. I take care of my weight and workout. I understand I can’t date a hot woman probably due to my height and face, but because of this, do I have to settle for a woman I’m not physically attracted to?

Im 21m still a virgin( I’ve kissed people and done hand stuff but other than that nothing). Im not good at flirting and too scared to actually talk to a woman. So am i an incel? Is this just something i have to live with?

Not an incel and have never came anywhere close to falling down that rabbithole, but my problems are close enough that I think this is the best sub to ask for advice.

I had a messed up childhood. My parents deliberately isolated me, refused to let me make any friends, and the teachers at the school I went to went out of their way to shout at me if they saw me attempting to socialize with the other kids. Around puberty I fell into radical feminist circles online where I lurked, I wanted to understand women, and the advice which I saw reciprocated so much was that any attempt whatsoever as a man to interact with women made the woman feel extremely unsafe, and I took that to heart. All my life I wanted to be a good person, and the best way to be a good person was to isolate myself. If I talked to someone, then I am a bad person harassing them. And then my experience with the radical feminists stressed even more this worldview that interaction will always make a person feel unsafe to the point where I feel that looking at a person is abusing them. It locked in this socialization, and gave me an incentive structure to stay away from people.

I don't need advice on how to socialize, or what to do, or anything like that. I just need to know that this is wrong. That my parents were wrong, my teachers were wrong, and the rad fems online were wrong. I keep hearing that humans are a social species, and to me it feels the opposite, being social is the most horrible thing you can do, and is never welcomed. The world is meant to be lonely, and the ones who are not alone are vile abusers who push themselves on others. I have believed this for decades, and it has been painful every day of my life. But I can't break it. If I say hi to a peer is that not a grave breach of boundaries, or abuse, or bad to where someone will come over a and scream at me for this, or would hurt this person to where they will be traumatized. For that is the world I was made to believe existed.

I don’t know to get less attractive/unattractive women on my “feed” on dating apps. I seem to only see attractive women on my view on dating apps and never the ordinary looking ladies. I am a very unattractive man and these women I have no chance with so swipe left on all, and I’d like to see and swipe right on normal looking ladies.

I feel like dating‘s impossible for me if the only women I see or the only women that see my profile are these people. Is there any way to “trick” Tinder into making it not show hot people to you?

Fwiw, 24M in NYC, swiping between 18-27.

Any of you guys ever feel hopeless because women seem to be too impressive and as a result, you never a girlfriend, because you’ll never be able to reach that level?

I feel like my main problem, and what initally drew me towards incel content, is that I'm insecure and lack self-confidence. What if anything could I do to remedy it?

I'm M, early 20s. I've never described myself with the term "incel", and I've never held the misogynistic beliefs. On the other hand I've never had any kind of romantic experience either, and I feel a lot of kinship toward the people on this sub.

Even though I greatly desire a romantic connection with another person, I've taken very little action to actually make that happen. The reason behind this is fear. From what I can tell, that's not an uncommon experience, but most people seem to fear rejection. I don't think I do. Instead, I feel like I fear acceptance, connection, and especially the vulnerability required to experience the first two. let me give a specific example:

One of the two times I've asked someone out was towards the end of high school. She was a friend of mine who I'd gradually developed a crush on, and then harbored that crush for months. I liked her for who she was as a person, and I felt that we could be a genuinely compatible couple. I think I could even argue that I was in love with her.

She rejected me. (Kindly, and we even stayed friends for a little while after)

You would think I would be hurt by that, or at least seriously disappointed. But no! My primary emotional response to the rejection was relief! I think that the very notion of actually going on dates was (and still is) such emotionally uncharted waters for me that it was just absolutely terrifying!

I have a small group of friend, both men and women, and I trust a few of them with my life. Nevertheless, I'm so rarely vulnerable with any of them. I've never, for instance, discussed my romantic struggles. I'm only able to do so here because of the distance and anonymity created by the internet.

Y'all are going to tell me that I need therapy, and you're right. But certain things about my current situation make that easier said than done, and I've managed to come to this level of insight without it. So my question is: what else can I do right now? Thank you for any advice you can give me.