u/frenchfryybandito

I realized that I have a problem that probably dates back to when I first got online and started reading things about sex.

I’ve crossed the threshold. I’m sexually active, I go on dates, I’ve shed my former incel self. Yippee. I’m not experienced like crazy I’ve had sex probably less than 25 times.

But I’ve realized that I have issues with one aspect of dating and sex. I’m 26 and lost my virginity at 23 then had a try spell until 25. Because I’m so behind the game, I missed out on the wild crazy times of college, and early twenties hooking up.

Back when I was a teenager I used to come on this site and seek out answers from women about what made the “best sex of their life” so great. And it really messed me up mentally. The answers were never “well I love my long term boyfriend so much” it was mostly “that guy I met at 20 while studying abroad”. Or “the guy I met one weekend while out in Vegas” or some idea of a guy they were hooking up with that could just do everything right.

It really kinda fucked me up because I realized, I’m just not that guy. I’m no one’s time they think back to and think “damn that was amazing” I’ve had. Good sex, but never really fireworks and that kinda eats at me and makes me insecure. I realized I started falling back into the habit of reading those things after the last girl I was dating literally broke it off because after the first time we had sex it was so bad that I was too scared to try again.

So now I’m back in the rut, and feel as insecure and sexually inadequate as I did when I was like 17. And I don’t really feel like it’ll ever change because I have a severe doubt that I’m a guy that can be “amazing” at sex. I think I could just be “average” with a lot of work. But even then that feels insurmountable as I don’t think women want to humor a guy that doesn’t know what he’s doing, and at this point it kinda just seems like I missed whatever critical moment or genetic traits make a guy just know how to pleasure a woman so good she thinks about it later.

Maybe I’m speaking kinda stupid here, but Idk.

No matter what, people are gonna accuse me of defending sexual predators. Clearly I’m not, but I know people will.

I just think the idea of turning, one of the most heinous crimes a person can commit into a spectacle is one of the most evil things you can do. It all started of course (at least in the modern age) with Chris Hansen. His show was unethical, early on, they weren’t even working that closely with cops so a lot of the pedos went free. Eventually things got better, so justice was actually being done (kinda), but still, the goal of the show isn’t to catch predators, it’s to make the network money and the pedo capture is a byproduct. So justice will be a tertiary focus, which is fucking wrong when we are talking about the most heinous crimes you can commit.

It’s especially bad since Hansen inspired all the YouTuber, kick streamers, and TikTokers to do their own versions of this. They are 50 times worse. Again, at a baseline, their goal is to make content, get views, and make money. But they add in something weird. Pedophiles are a group that doesn’t have anyone sticking up for them, because if you come at the situation with any level of nuance people accuse you of being one. So the content creators are given free reign to do whatever they want to an indefensible group.

So they do things like violence, humiliation, and other weird shit on stream to whomever they catch. That to me is fucking weird asf, because I feel that they just want to do this to people. I mean most of the content creators were previously public nuisance prank YouTubers, but when the tide shifted on that, they had to find a new way to harass people, so they found a group that no one would bat an eye if they harass or assault.

They just want money, and a chance to do whatever weird shit they want to do to a person. LIKE HOW IS THAT OKAY? WHY ARE THEY SEEN AS GOOD GUYS.

I mean if you know about that fat cupcake EDP445 guy, you’d know that the original guy (a rival YouTuber) that discovered what he was doing, instead of going to the police, went to a predator catcher YouTuber, with mountains of evidence of him pursuing underage women, and the predator catcher fucked it up so bad ghat the guy is still walking free while admitting to it!

Like these guys should not be allowed to do shit like this, and fuck up putting away sexual predators.

I saw a take online that made me think pretty hard about this and I wanted to pose the question to others.

Of those of you that don’t know what a situationship is the gray area between dating and a relationship.

Basically the take I saw was that, if a man doesn’t know if he wants a relationship, but he’s still having sex with a woman, who wants a relationship, that he is predating on her sexually. Because basically for this to be happening, a woman would be giving access to her body on the basis that a relationship is around the corner, and the guy whether knowingly or unknowingly doesn’t want to be in a relationship and just enjoys access to a woman’s body.

The coercive part comes in what men usually do to keep a situationship going, having a level of emotional intimacy without romantic commitment, making promises of the future, etc. basically selling an idea of what may come, and if they genuinely said “I’m not sure I want a relationship” they know women would not sleep with them.

So what does feminist Reddit think?

I’m a black man and this is a topic I’ve chosen to reexamine my beliefs on.

For those unfamiliar with it, the concept of white womens tears in short is that white women have the ability to spur violence and death upon men of color, particularly black men, by feigning fear or pain or any other negative emotion.

So I’ve recently become of two minds on it. The first thought is that, this is basically just a fear of false accusations. A big thing I was always warned of growing up was not to fool around with white women, because if she wants to she could say the word and get me in jail or killed.

The second part of my mind says fhat its valid, given the historical (and even really still today) pattern of white women spuring violence upon black men they felt disrespected by. I mean i grew up 2 hours from the river Emmett Till was found in. You still see “Karen” videos every once in a while of a white woman crying on the phone calling the police on black teenagers and men, and we all know their goal is for police to exact extreme violence on them, which they’re prone to do

So which side is right? Is this just casual misogyny?

Unfortunately, life isn’t fair. Some children get cancer before they even hit puberty and die. There are people who have spent their entire lives working non stop and will never escape poverty. It sucks, it’s sad, but it is what it is and there’s no changing that.

Part of the escaping incel mindset that troubles a lot of people here is they go from viewing dating as something predetermined by fate, into a meritocracy. It’s just not. Dating 99% of time isn’t about what efforts you take to improve yourself, or even how dateable you are. It’s about luck. Being in the right place at the right time. Some people will never be in that place at that time. So what can you do? You can be fine without or despite.

You can build a life that is as happy and fulfilled as you can be. You can accept that you never finding love or sex or whatever doesn’t have to make you sad. You can be alone and happy. You can have friends, hobbies, work, etc. that fulfill you.

So, instead of worrying about something you can’t control, worry about something you can. Worry about your home, the things you do for fun, your job, your education. Those things are far more important than getting a girlfriend.

And who knows, maybe one day you will be in the right place at the right time. But if all your efforts at self improvement are in the hopes of dating, you’re going to be very unhappy when it doesn’t yield the results you thought they would. Improve for yourself, not someone who may not even exist.

Building the life you enjoy is more of an escape from incelsom than a partner will ever be.

I recently saw that in heterosexuals, less than 15% of sexually active adults have ever used a dental damn for oral sex. I am within that 15% (mainly cause I’m terrified of STIs) and when I asked my male friends, none of them have ever used dental dams before going down on a woman.

Even my (straight) female friends have stated that they have never used one, but my friends that are lesbians said that they have but not regularly.

Whenever I’m hooking up with a woman I don’t know well enough to know if they have a clean bill of health, I always offer to use one, and I’ve been told no, so I just don’t do it.

So I started thinking, well why doesn’t everyone use them like they would a condom?

Right now i would guess that it’s because of some weird inherent misogynistic views about sex, but i could just be “that friend that’s too woke” about this.

Let’s say you have Alex and Taylor.

Alex is bisexual, however he has been in the closet his entire life and while occasionally having sex with men, no one knows (except the men he’s sleeping with, obviously).

Taylor is a woman that is attracted to men. It is her preference to only be with straight men. If she knew Alex was bisexual, she would not sleep with him.

Alex doesn’t tell her that he is bisexual and they have sex, is Alex violating her consent?

Now let’s say Alex knows that Taylor wouldn’t have sex with a bisexual man, but he says he’s straight as he’s closeted and they have sex.

I’m only asking hypothetical, this is not a reflection of my life as I’m not a closet bisexual.

I recently had this discussion with some women I’m close with and they reframed my way of thinking a little bit and I’d like to get other opinions.

I’m newly back in the dating scene and I mentioned to my friends that I don’t pay for a date that I don’t see going anywhere. Why? Because in my mind paying for the date is a way to show continued interest. Like a subtle way of saying “I’d like to see you again”. I don’t split the cost of a date unless I do not want to pursue a sexual or romantic connection with the woman.

My friends told me that in doing that, I’m using money as a tool to buy women’s time, and because I’ve already “used” their time, I should still pay for the date, even if it’s the last.

At first I was taken aback by this statement but then I started thinking and maybe they’re right? I try to self examine way I still practice patriarchal or misogynistic behaviors and try to correct them but I kinda need to get a bit more of an opinion on this one.

I feel like I’m going absolutely crazy for this being an argument and I need someone objective to tell me if I fucked up.

My girlfriend is a French fry bandit. She always takes half of my French fries without fail. When we go out and I get a burger with fries, I already know half are going to her. My issue is that French fries are one of my favorite foods because I have the palate of a child.

I always get myself a side of fries, and I always ask my girlfriend if she wants fries as well, it’s always a no, but once they show up half go to her.

So recently we were out for dinner and I wanted steak frites, she wanted a salad. I was hungry and admittedly had a bad day and was grouchy, and I asked her if she also wanted fries with her salad. She said no.

So when the server came, i ordered for us, and I ordered my steak frites, and a salad for her and an extra side of fries. She said that she didnt want fries, I said that I wanted extra fries so we pushed on.

When the server dropped off the food, I immediately pushed the extra fries to her. She was upset, she said she didn’t want them. Then I said I’d have them.

As we got in the car, she told me that I was being a dick and ordering fries for her when she said she didn’t want them was incredibly condescending of me to assume I know what she wants. The kicker is, SHE ATE THE EXTRA FRIES. SHE WANTED THE EXTRA FRIES. I ate my fries and she at pretty much the entire side, even though I was planning on eating them. She’s been with me for a year, of course I know she’s gonna eat the fries she’s does it every time.

She’s been pissed about it since and I feel like I’m taking crazy pills on why I’m the asshole here.