u/policearepygss

Like I feel like I’ve done everything in my power to make changes to help, I’ve done all the advice, been consistent with it for years, and now that I’m 25 everyone seems to be finding their forever person and the dating pool keeps shrinking and shrinking, and it’s got me thinking is this just the way it’s supposed to be.

When you look historically, men created a society that forced women to marry or they couldn’t survive on their own. Women couldn’t get loans, get jobs, get vehicles or do anything without a husband‘s approval. Now we’ve done a lot of work (at least in my country) to give women the equality they deserve. But now dating is harder as women are either only dating men they actually want to be with or just opting out of dating entirely.

Almost a return to romantic/sexual relationships in its most natural form. Preventing undesirable genes from continuing. So is this what it is? Just natural seleftion? Do i have some genetic marker that makes me undesirable?

Honestly viewing it this way kinda helps me, and I’d like others opinions on it.

One of my friends recently got out of a pretty toxic relationship. If im being completely honest, it was very clear that the guy wasn’t a stand up guy from the first time I met him. Others in our friend circle agreed and had no clue what she was thinking.

Now they’ve broken up and I have two feelings. I’m really happy for her, but simultaneously this makes me feel worse about myself. And I hate that I feel this way.

She’s a great person, she genuinely deserves so much better (I want to make it clear, I do not have any romantic feelings towards her at all), but somehow, this guy who everyone could tell was, for lack of better words, a huge douche, was able to get with her.

I don’t want to sound like “I’m such a nice guy women owe me” but after seeing how she was treated by him, I can firmly say I would never think about hurting another person like that. But somehow, despite all of his character flaws, he’s still able to date and I am not. So there’s something that is objectively worse about me than him that I don’t know what it is, but it’s so bad that it repulses women that even guys that are lowkey emotionally abusive are better candidates for a partner than me.

It just kinda leaves me feeling deflated. Like “if he can figure this out, and women like him enough to be with him, and he’s genuinely just an awful guy, than what am I not seeing about myself.

I’ve stayed in and away from people for the last few weeks trying to figure out what this flaw I have is, but I genuinely don’t know what is that awful about me that I’m just undesirable to any woman I’ve ever met.

This is the headspace I’ve been in for a minute. I know it’s selfish and that I should be there for my friend, but I just don’t know how I would be any help in the state I’m in.

I’m so tired of feeling this way, but I feel like it’ll never stop because the rejection will never stop. It’s gotten so bad I honestly wish I was asexual and aromantic. I’d be so much happier. How do I stop this spiral?

One of the ideas I’ve been trying to shake but haven’t been able to is that dating isn’t easier for women.

When I catch myself thinking it I mentally remind myself that isn’t true, but I don’t think I’ve ever understood how that isn’t the case.

I feel like I always see confirmation of it, which I admit could be confirmation bias. But even the women in my life that date both men and women have said it’s easier for them to get dates with men over women because women are pickier.

I genuinely do try to correct my way of thinking but when I compare my dating life, or even my male friends who do have active dating lives to what it’s like for my friends that are women, it just seems like they’re in a better position.

I know thinking this way about dating is problematic, so how do I stop?

I’ve seen this being said a lot on Reddit when women say that the best sex of your life isn’t “supposed” to be with your long term committed life partner, because that dynamic isn’t exciting enough, and non toxic people don’t have enough practice.

If I did want to be really good in bed, would that be possible if I don’t want to be toxic?

I’m right now, teetering on the idea of simply just giving up on the idea that I’ll ever date or be married, or find someone to grow old with.

I’ve been teaching myself to accept it, but the problem comes when I as myself “is giving up on this admitting defeat to the black pill”

I have already given up before, when I was about 22 and still pretty black pilled. I’m 25 now, and I haven’t necessarily given up, as when I dropped the black pill I had this idea that it was possible for me.

Now I’m growing to see how that’s just not very realistic for me, and it’s just likely not going to happen. But part of me feels like that’s just the black pill.

Accepting that it’s not a realistic thing, and that my life can just happen without ever finding love just sounds like black pill to me.

So my question is how do I rationalize giving up in a way that isn’t black pill?

I feel like things in my life are really good aside from the romantic aspect and usually I’m pretty unaffected by it, but I have periods, usually a few weeks/a month when I really do get bummed.

I’m 25, I’ve been trying everything. But since trying everything doesn’t really matter, I’ve become more increasing convinced it’s just never gonna work out for me. I’ve been trying to accept it, and for the most part I have, but I still feel unfulfilled at times.

Right now I feel like I’m in the dead center of one of those periods. I’ve started kinda just accepting that this is just my life, even when things are going well I’ll feel this way, but I haven’t actually tried to find a solution.

The obvious thing would be to find someone but, realistically, there’s a pretty good possibility that’s not going to happen, so I want I be able to have tools to feel better despite that.

Are there any tips or strategies others use?

I feel like things in my life are really good aside from the romantic aspect and usually I’m pretty unaffected by it, but I have periods, usually a few weeks/a month when I really do get bummed.

Right now I feel like I’m in the dead center of one of those periods. I’ve started kinda just accepting that this is just my life, even when things are going well I’ll feel this way, but I haven’t actually tried to find a solution.

The obvious thing would be to find someone but, realistically, there’s a pretty good possibility that’s not going to happen, so I want I be able to have tools to feel better despite that.

Are there any tips or strategies others use?

I’ve been having an issue where I see other men in my actually life, mainly my friends and my older brothers, doing the things I have always been told are wrong or creepy or make women feel uncomfortable and it doesn’t go poorly, and occasionally it goes pretty well.

It really has begun to bother me in a way I can’t really describe, and I’d really like advice on how to get rid of those feelings and not see them. I have considered talking to my friends about it, but it’s kinda pointless, as I’m gonna be talking to them as a guy that’s never been on a date, when what theyre doing is working for them so I’m not exactly an expert on things.

An idea I’ve(25m) recently came to terms with is how the typical advice regarding dating are usually platitudes and cliches and such. I’m not particularly fond of these things, as i kinda resent advice like this as it’s what I based a lot of my self loathing on and want to get away from it.

Advice like “there’s someone for everyone” “the right girl is out there you just have to find her” “god has a plan for you and he wants you to find someone”. All the stuff that says basically that everyone does have a chance. Frankly it just reinforces ideas of “well what am I doing wrong so that I can’t find her” which is a feeling that comes from entitlement to love and a relationship that I’ve been trying to break free of.

But it’s constant. Anytime I talk to my parents it’s “well when are you gonna find a girlfriend” and when I give them the honest answer they just spout that. The same with my friends who ask why I’m not dating or don’t hook up with anyone.

I want for them to stop, but they’re well meaning. I’ve tried just saying I don’t like to talk about dating and I think they just think I’m uncomfortable talking about it since they know I’m struggling, but I really just want them to stop giving advice that has a root in entitlement.

How can I nicely get them to stop without coming across as an asshole.

I am 25M, pretty normal outside of being an incel, I have dabbled in more darker incel communities in my younger days, but I would consider myself to be pretty normal and well adjusted.

So I first had this question after watching Obsession and seeing a lot of the online discourse being that he’s an incel. And to me it felt kinda weird. Like it seemed to me like the theme of the movie revolved around what are “nice guy” behaviors, which a lot of men do view as normal (I.e. I’m such a nice guy so women should like me) which would invite a lot of self reflection into those views.

Because of that labeling Bear an “incel” kinda removes that ability because most guys don’t consider themselves incels and most guys do not view themselves as the “bad guy” which incels objectively are.

I have also been having this question with the new season of love island, and one of the people being labeled an incel, whereas to me the guys behavior comes across as a very baseline misogyny I recognize present in heterosexual men due to how patriarchal our culture is.

So it left me with the question if overuse of terms like incel and it shifting from a very specific set of ideals to a much broader term for misogyny is a good thing or something detrimental, specifically to self reflection.

I(23M) have a friend group that I’ve been best friends with since college. It was 2 women and three of us guys who were friends in high school. We met the women in college and it was (at least to me 100%) platonic.

In the last year and a half, they’ve begun dating in the friend group. I didn’t know this was on the horizon. I mean when we had first met them and were dumb 18 year olds we had the “would you?” conversation, but I didn’t think any of them would start dating.

We all still live in the city we went to college in, so I still would see them pretty much every weekend. Now that they’re dating they still wanna hang out, but the vibe has obviously shifted. Now it feels less like a friend group, and more like, a double date, plus me. Conversation feel a lot less like a group of friends and 2 couples talking about couple life.

It’s starkly different and it just feels uncomfortable and kinda depressing as it’s just a constant reminder that everyone’s finding their person except for me and my dating life is just an absolute mess right now.

So I’ve been taking a few step backs. I still see them but nowhere near as much. I figured they weren’t really noticing as I don’t feel like I’m even adding anything to the group, I’m just there between conversations.

One of the guys called me out on it recently. And I just said I didn’t feel like I was included anymore and I don’t want to be a 5th wheel in hangouts. He got upset and said that no one cares and that I comes across like I’m trying to guilt them for dating each other. I said I wasn’t, but it did feel like this has kinda got rid of the friend group as we knew it.

We got into an argument and he and I haven’t talked since. The other friends are urging me to apologize and I’ve considered it, and maybe I’m the asshole but I think at the very minimum there should be a mutual apology.

AITA?

I have been hearing about obsession for the last few weeks and it’s really getting to me lately, but I can’t stand the constant stream of media where the theme is “this unattractive guy that just wants love is actually a fucking disgusting monster”.

It feels like it’s giving more and more people ammunition to shit on the lowest of the lows of men, and blaming them for the issues caused by the most wealthy most successful, most empowered men.

Like why is this the media perception of us? What did we do to deserve it? Why is it not about all the men that abuse their girlfriends, kill their wives and children, or deadbeats?

Statistically, they’re way more likely to hurt women that guys than incels are. But they’re not the media’s whipping boy.

Why does wanting to find love when your unattractive make people automatically see you as a dangerous villain.

My friends and I were recently having a conversation about a pretty bad hang out that my friend went on with a guy.

A high level overview is that she went over to his place, she wasn’t really feeling him, she didn’t want what they were doing to escalate into sex, but didn’t verbally tell him no.

She said they got to third base which all she wanted to do, but according to her they “ended up having sex”. The question was asked as to why she had sex with him if she wasn’t into him. She said that “well he kept going further and at some point it felt easier to just have sex with him so I could go home”.

To me this is obviously a really uncomfortable story to hear and a really bad situation for her. That being said, the part that sticks out to me is the lack of a solid no or yes.

Some of us thought she should report him, some of us were kinda like “eh whatever”, but i felt very torn. Maybe this is some level of misogyny on my part, but i could imagine that if i was going pretty far with a woman, and she didnt tell me she didnt want to have sex, i would try to have sex with her.

This kinda made me reevaluate anytime ive hooked up with someone, who didn’t give me an explicit “yes let’s have sex” but seemingly was into it. The thing is, from my side, it may look like the natural progression of things while to her side it may be me pushing boundaries even if I didn’t know those boundaries were in place.

Usually now I’m so paranoid about pushing someone’s boundaries i abstain from iniating any and all sexual things because i don’t want who im with to feel pressured by me.

So my question is where’s the line? Do you think this is actually miscommunication or malicious? Can something be done about it?

TW: Spousal Abuse, Murder.

I recently watched an older documentary about the murder of Ana Abulaban, by her husband. The documentary is about a year old, but I was pretty invested in this case in 2024 when she was tragically murdered by her husband.

Something I realized in the documentary was that there were a lot of discrepancies from publically available information and what was portrayed in the documentary.

Her husband fatally shot her and her lover after she attempted to leave him, the husband claims she was cheating on him, and had been cheating on him for a while before she left him.

The discrepancy I picked up was that the documentary portrayed this as the murderer suspecting this was fantasy, but according to most accounts and evidence found, Ana was engaged in an affair with this man, and had been for, long before she left him.

I asked myself “that’s incorrect, they were both sleeping with other people and he was her lover”, and I was bothered that it wasn’t mentioned. Then I thought to myself, why am I bothered and why wasn’t it mentioned.

To me it feels as if, they tried to portray her as a “perfect victim”, which understandable given that there are people that try to defend the murderer by saying Ana was actually cheating on him, but I also have a feeling this may be harmful.

Portraying a woman as a perfect victim and removing any “dirt” from the victims reputation may also signal that she only didn’t deserve it because she was the perfect person struggling to survive her abusive murderous husband. But I’m also wondering if this is some level of misogyny that I’m engaging in.

Feminists, what do you think?