u/Frack_Nugget

One of the difficulties with dealing with my mental health recently is loneliness. However, I can't acknowledge and admit to myself that I'm lonely, because it makes me feel like an incel. This, extends to a lot of other topics, not just being lonely.

I can't admit to being lonely, because that's an incel thing.

I can't admit to wanting a relationship, because that's an incel thing.

I can't admit to wanting to be held, because that's an incel thing.

I can't admit to having feelings or even getting attracted to someone, because that's an incel thing.

I can't admit to have issues, because that's an incel thing.

You see what I mean? I feel like I'm not allowed to say or acknowledge or even admit that I feel things, because I don't want to be an incel. All these things? Incel coded as hell. I don't want to be an incel.

Like, I'm sorry to all the "Just Work On Yourself" and "You have to be happy alone" people. But I can't. I can't keep working on myself, I can't keep doing things alone. It's eating at me, and it makes me feel like a massive incel when I say I'm not satisfied or happy being alone and working on myself.

Also yes, everyone's going to give The List of things to do to improve my life. So, I'll put them here so you don't have to bother.

- Yes, I bathe, twice a day. I use deodorant, powder, and cologne.

- Yes, I have hobbies. I make toys. I read books. I go on runs, or cycling rides.

- Yes, I go to the gym. In addition to the runs, I go 3 times a week.

- Yes, I do talk to women. I have women friends. I have close women friends.

- Yes, I go to therapy, or did. I went in 2025, haven't been back because:

- I started a new job, in the Emergency Room last year.

- Also, yes, I have had sex. It's just that they never felt right. In addition, I got sexually assaulted twice, and one time threatened to it.

I know I'm not. I've had sex (consensual, and got sexually assaulted unfortunately), I've been in relationships (Good and Bad) and I've been told I'm not by my female friends.

But the thought is so persistent in my brain. I'm trying to remind myself that me saying I deserve to be loved and cared for doesn't mean I'm entitled. That's hard but it is something I'm making progress in.

But there's another thought that keeps going in my brain, I keep pushing myself to do well, to help, to give more and more of myself, and just to do good in general. Recently though, it stopped feeling good to help, I stopped feeling pride and joy at myself. It feels more like I'm trying to squeeze water from a stone.

The thing is, I'm trying to self validate that I am good person, that I am good enough. But, whenever I do, my brain keeps telling me I'm a Nice Guy Incel. Like, I can't tell myself I'm a good person, because of course, only Nice Guy Incels say they're a good person. So like, I'm stuck feeling like I'm giving more than I can, but I can't tell myself that I've done enough and that I'm good because my brain calls me a Nice Guy Incel.

How do I give myself self-validation without being a Nice Guy?

How long have we known each other? 10 years? I've been close to you for 6 of those, and it's so uncomfortable for me to admit this, but I've crushed on you on and off for 5 of those.

5 years ago, you got drunk. You called me and admitted that you thought I was the "totes the bestest, greatest, guy in the world! If there's ever anyone I'm dating, I'm picking you." I was flattered, but very very confused. I wanted us to just be platonic at the time, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I did love you back. I'm sorry that I rejected you, I'm sorry it took me 3 months to say I loved you back. I'm sorry about the hurt and confusion I caused.

I know we talked it out when you rejected me back then, but I keep coming back to you. I date other people, I forget about you, I go through a break up, and I keep finding myself at your feet. It's ridiculous. I wish I could be completely over you, but I guess it's on me for crawling back to you like a wounded animal whenever I get hurt by an ex.

You keep reminding me that someone cares about me, that someone sees me at my absolute worse and is still willing to hold me together when I can't. You remind me I am still loved. And I love you for that.

I know you don't see me that way. You asked me to stop dating and trying to get with girls I barely know, and I did. I focused on you for 2 years and I hate that you made me happy and content, knowing you don't want us to ever be in a relationship.

It's absurd, but you showed me what it's like to be loved by someone. You know my parents, you know my relationships. You kept telling me I wasn't being treated right, and I was giving too much. And, you were right. You showed me I was being used and treated wrong. I didn't even know someone could do what you do for me. I have the toys and dolls you made me. I have so many souvenirs and gifts from your trips around the world. I have so many pictures with you it dominates my corkboards, and I know mine does too. I have the friggin clothes you picked out for me. How the hell do you treat me better than my exes and family? Was I really this easy to love all along?

So yeah, I know you don't like me crushing on you, but you make it too easy. I'm so sorry about that.

I've been close friends with her since college 10 years ago, we were always close since then. I have a lot of other friends, men and women both, I've dated a lot of other women too.

Recently, I started noticing this weird happy feeling I get when I'm around her. I have other friends, and I don't get the same feeling around either sex. I thought it was romantic or sexual attraction at first, but I've had several girlfriends before, and it didn't feel like this.

It's a postive feeling, but I don't know what it is, and it makes me very uncomfortable that I don't know what I'm feeling. The closest feeling I can relate it to is coming home after a long trip to your house, and your own bed. I've been thinking of putting some space away from her, cuz I just feel really off about the whole thing. Is that a smart choice? Also, what the hell am I feeling exactly?

You know the standard thing whenever anyone is sad online, they just get told to "Work on Themselves" and "Love Yourself" and all that.

Will it be like that? Like, will I feel immediately dismissed by a psych?

For context, I was in Middle and High School during the early 2010s.

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I was going to have a laugh at all the "Stomp Clap Hey" music that's apparently really really funny to Younger Gen Z, and I did not expect to have such a strong moment of Nostalgia for these songs. These were the songs we played on Talent Shows, in the Car while going to class, while working on class projects. Hell, I edited some of videos for my classes with these as the background track.

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Man, I'm old.

So, here's the thing. I'm not an incel. I've been in a bunch of relationships, and I have had sex before. But like, whenever I'm not in a relationship or I hit a dry spell, my brain tells me I'm an incel and it's really really distressing.

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Like, whenever I talk to a girl and a joke or a line doesn't land my brain calls me an incel. Whenever I get feeling of attraction to people, my brain calls me an incel. Whenever I literally slip up, or not do something right my fucking brain calls me an incel.

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Whenever I relax my brain goes "You know who's lazy and isn't constantly working on themselves? Incels."

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Whenever I do one of my nerdy hobbies my brain goes "You know who else enjoys these things? Incels."

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Like, it is distressing. It's an all consuming fucking fear. I can't interact with women that much recently because my brain goes "They can feel you're an Incel" and I'm so tired and scared.

You know how everyone keeps saying that you need to work on yourself and fix yourself before you can be loved? I've done the work. I go to the gym regularly, I've shower and clean myself frequently, I got hobbies and interests I love to do alone, I've gone to therapy as well.

However, none of it ever fixed me enough to be loved. I'm still lonely, my parents still hate me whenever I go over to see them, I still can't find a partner, I barely have friends that ask me to hangout. So no, none of your "Just Work On Yourself Harder Bro" talk is going to have any effect on me, I'm glad it worked on you, but I don't think it ever will for me.

For a while, I thought it must mean I'm a bad person, it must mean I'm this awful garbage human being that's got zero things going for him. Last year, I found a job at the Emergency Room at the hospital, and it made me realize something. I'm not a bad person, I'm a person that can still do good. The fact that I help people every day means I do good, the fact that no matter how exhausted, burned out, and depressed I am, I still want to and choose to help people means I am a GOOD PERSON.

So maybe, I'll never be good enough for anyone to be loved, but I don't think I need anyone's permission to view myself as a good person. I've helped more people than most people deemed "Good Enough" to be in a relationship. I've helped save the lives of more people than most people in a relationship, I think. You can have your families and your partners, I have a duty and a calling and I think that makes me just as good as you.

You know how everyone keeps saying that you need to work on yourself and fix yourself before you can be loved? I've done the work. I go to the gym regularly, I've showered frequently, I got hobbies and interests I love to do alone, I've gone to therapy as well.

However, none of it ever fixed me enough to be loved. I'm still lonely, my parents still hate me whenever I go over to see them, I still can't find a partner, I barely have friends that ask me to hangout. So no, none of your "Just Work On Yourself Harder Bro" talk is going to have any effect on me, I'm glad it worked on you, but I don't think it ever will for me.

For a while, I thought it must mean I'm a bad person, it must mean I'm this awful garbage human being that's got zero things going for him. Last year, I found a job at the Emergency Room at the hospital, and it made me realize something. I'm not a bad person, I'm a person that can still do good. The fact that I help people every day means I do good, the fact that no matter how exhausted, burned out, and depressed I am, I still want to and choose to help people means I am a GOOD PERSON.

So maybe, I'll never be good enough for anyone to be loved, but I don't think I need anyone's permission to view myself as a good person. I've helped more people than most people deemed "Good Enough" to be in a relationship. I've helped save the lives of more people than most people in a relationship, I think. You can have your families and your partners, I have a duty and a calling and I think that makes me just as good as you.

I'm trying to date again recently, and something is holding me back. I'm kinda realizing just how BIG a time investment another person is, and I'm realizing I'm going to lose so much of what I enjoy for one person, and it just feels like a bad trade. A bunch of the advice we give to people to get better in dating, such as "Get Hobby" "Make more friends" "Work on Yourself" etc. But like, what if I like all those things combined more than I want a partner?

If I got a GF, I can't see my friends as much because I have to prioritize her for my social life. If I got a GF I can't have that much time for my hobby. If I got a GF, I'd need to sideline my work, my time at the gym, at therapy etc. It's like. There's suddenly one person that my life HAS to revolve around, or they'll get upset, then we'll fight over it, then she'll leave. Why is it like that? Why can't my life still be mine when I'm dating?

Is healing also deciding to be better? Sometimes I feel like I put too much focus on things like gettng more fit, more clean, more productive, more discipline etc. The typical stuff people talk about getting better.

But, I also realize I'm not really taking care of myself anymore? I'm not letting myself heal and feel happy for the past year or so. Can I just, help myself too? Or is it going against being better?

They just feel way too similar, and I don't know how to tell something I really want from a compulsion? The only way I could tell is a compulsive action feels Soothing, Reassuring. And, a Want makes me feel happy. I don't know which is which until I'm in it, or I have it.

An example is dating, I don't really want it, I thought I did, but I realized later on that it's compulsive. It reassures me thay I'm not unwanted or ugly.

Is this a thing with anyone else?

I am very much guilty of doing this a lot. I'm very much obsessed to the point of getting an OCD Diagnosis with being better and being good. So don't tell me I'm not trying.

I've been going to therapy again recently, and I hit I think an important breakthrough. Happiness and Love isn't a reward for being better. It isn't an exclusive priviledge for the ones that worked on themselves or figured things out to be loved and cared for. Happiness isn't the reward after a grueling journey. It's just... there. Around you if you let yourself feel it. And you really don't need permission to seek it out and be happy? Like, you can genuinely just feel it for free.

Sometimes, I think maybe I wasn't getting better because I wasn't letting myself be happy? I'd throw myself in to everything that would make me better. I'd consume 10s of books on self improvement, spend hours in the gym, listen to hours of motivational talks and other shit. Recently I've been throwing myself into work because being productive and efficient is a big part of self improvement. And like, I did all these because I was told that you HAD to do all of these to be happy. That you'd never be happy or loved unless you did all of these. Those were things given to those that did THE WORK.

So yeah, say Yes to the person asking you out, say Yes.to your friends inviting you on your birthday. Let yourself be happy, it's not exclusive to those that are already better, you're allowed to have it too, despite not being perfect.