How do you get past feeling like you're entitled? How did your parents react to you moving out?
20F here. I've worked my ass off this year saving money, and finally signed a lease for a small place to move out of my home, and I am going to leave soon.
I feel so guilty and terrified, but also excited and hopeful. My parents have tried to control every aspect of my life. I have to be a doctor, no matter what. I have to wear the hijab (I was never given a choice). I have to be the perfect Muslim, and never leave the house ever. Just asking permission to hang out with my friends during daylight hours is terrifying and is usually shut down. My curfew is barely 10 PM on a good day.
At the same time, I keep fighting with myself. I know my parents are insane, but at the same time, they are so overprotective and loving--they buy me anything I want, always financially supporting me, doing chores and things for me, even when I offer to help. My mom never wants me to help around the house, which is kind of crazy. But at the same time, it's like the consequence of that is that I have to give up my entire future to them. I have to marry a man, I have to be a doctor, I have to be their kind of successful, or I am a failure.
I don't know how to describe the relationship with my mother other than co-dependent on me. It's like she NEEDS me to be home, she hates when I am away from her, but at the same time never actually tries to engage in conversation with me, doesn't pay attention to me (despite me trying so hard to connect with her, asking about her day, showing her videos, trying to start conversations) and consistently yells at me. (For context, my parents have an extremely tumultuous relationship filled with screaming fights--plates have been broken, and there is a hole in my wall.)
There was a time where genuinely every single time I woke up at 5 AM to pray, she would scream at me to the point of tears and suicidal ideation. She'll say the nastiest things in Hindi, calling me a prostitute, saying I'm better off dead, saying that she doesn't care about what I'm going through, I need to study. But she'll always break down in tears and say sorry after, buying me something to make me happy, treating me well after.
I recently saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and the medication made me extremely demotivated with my studies because I realized I do not want this doctor future for myself, but helped tremendously with my emotional regulation, and actually gave me the strength to sign the lease and work towards the future I want.
I've been lying to my parents my whole life, and I used to feel tremendous guilt, but now I just feel anger. I sneak out to shows and parties when I say I'm studying, I lie about my grades, I have a girlfriend, I take off my scarf when I'm away from them, and I constantly lie just to please them. I feel barely any connection to Islam anymore because of how they use it to punish me. I wish I could tell them these things, and I would be honest about these things if they would just be normal parents of a college kid.
I just feel so torn. At one end, I owe so much to my parents. They bought me a nice car, buy me literally anything I ask, and treat me like their princess, and in return I just lie to them constantly and make them worry and yell at me. But at the same time, I lie because of how insanely strict and controlling they are, and I know they will definitely shit their pants when they find out I am a lesbian.
I don't want to cut them off completely, and want to maintain some sort of relationship, because they still gave me so much and clearly a lot of what they do comes out of a suffocating love for me.
I want to ask, how did your parents react? Were you able to maintain a relationship with them? How do you get past feeling like the asshole?