u/Public_Structure8337

Recently I listened to a detailed discussion on 'Flow' by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi from Dialogue: discussion on books, and listening to the key insights of the book broken down in relation to everyday life made me realize that happiness might not be as unreal a notion as we take it to be and may be something one can actively construct, almost on demand, if one understands and realizes the mechanics behind it. 

According to my interpretation, the core idea that the book is espousing is this: When we think of what being “happy” means? We often think of it as a passive state of being, “a moment” in time when we realize a kind of satisfaction…or something along these lines. But the book makes the point that most of what we pursue as happiness is only passive, and passive activities do not provide satisfaction. people often look to tv shows and movies, food, recreational activities to seek comfort and attain happiness. All of these actions are passive in the sense that after a very short time they can go on autopilot and carry on just fine and hence require very little effort. The problem is that they feel pleasant in the immediate moment but ultimately come to an abrupt halt, which leaves us unsatisfied afterwards. The author wants to push the idea that most people experience their happiest moments when they are actively engaged in demanding and exhausting tasks, so much so that “comfort” and “enjoyment” are practically antonyms of one another.

What the author means by “Flow” is very precise, it is a state that one can potentially encounter between something that seems like a challenge to him and where his skill lies. The author lists the necessary conditions for flow: 1) one needs to have clear goals, 2) immediate feedback on what your state is, and 3) this activity or pursuit must be difficult enough that you struggle but not difficult enough that you become anxious about not achieving it. If this pursuit is not difficult enough, you will be bored and it may turn passive, and if it is too difficult you will become anxious about it. Flow happens in this narrow space between being bored and anxious, and this space must be constantly shifted, meaning that for a activity to continually keep you in the  “flow” the task needs to get harder as your skills get more developed.

Now this idea will sound absurd, but if you stay with the author, he will make it make sense. The idea is- within flow, your sense of self temporarily disappears in such a way that this disappearing is the reward itself. When you are immersed in your pursuit, the feeling of your self becomes insignificant, your sense of time warps, and your physiological needs of hunger, sex, or any kind of apetite all become dull and rest in the background. The author refers to this state as "autotelic" and claims that the activity itself becomes the reward that you seek, so one might say that he is “seeking nothing out of it but something in it, because there is no external goal.” This chapter I thought was particularly powerful because we tend to thing that the only things we would really love and which will make us happy in this life are money, prestige and status; when really the true prize and what would satisfy is this flow state, and the others are only byproducts. 

Now some people appear to achieve this state of “flow” in everything they do, but how? The book, according to me, stays consistent and coherent in answering this. The author argues that there is a skill to this. Some people have an “autotelic personality” in which people possess traits such as being highly curious, less egocentric, not relying on external stimulus. The autotelic personality can make just about any situation, even an extremely boring or difficult one, into a flow activity, simply by identifying and meeting the balance of challenge and skill demanded. Everybody has the potential to attain or experience this “flow” state because it is less about someone’s peculiar circumstances and more about how they interpret and interact with them.

To sum it all up, if you keep stuck in the notion of “happiness” as a stable state or an instance in time where you get all the deserved satisfaction, then it's only a house of cards waiting for a gust of wind. One has to seek whatever he means by “happiness” within his pursuit or in the flow of it and not as an outcome of it. And one attains this through identifying and realizing the space between something that seems like a challenge to him and where his skill lies. 

I keep coming back to these insights and will keep doing so because they do not claim that flow is an answer to achieving “happiness” or whatever one means by it, but it has the potential by making it more realizable by shifting the goalpost from outside to inside. It only depends on how you allocate your attention moment by moment, and I find this much more useful and practical than any goal setting approach I have ever read or heard. 

Hope this provided you something.

Until very recently, I used to be someone who liked the work only when it had my touch in one way or another, if i didn’t approve or gave it a heads up then i wouldn’t liked to be associated with it at all. I was the kind of person who never felt that things were good enough, redoing emails two or three times and practicing conversations over and over, just so I could slide in the words whose importance only means something to me. I kept pushing myself towards an ideal, against a flawless version that didn’t actually exist. I accepted this as part of my mental make up, thinking it was the cost of havingbyproduct of having high standards. After reading this book, I realized it wasn't any inherent personality trait of mine at all. Rather, it was just the defense mechanism I created to avoid the constant feeling of inadequacy.

Here's what I learned:

• First, Perfectionism isn't about doing your best (even if you might have the same reference). Perfectionism is about seeking approval. According to Brown, perfectionism is not about excellence but about seeking approval. It's a tag we like to impersonate to avoid being seen, a shield we employ to take shelter. Realizing that my need to polish and redo work was less about quality and more about preserving my sense of self helped me make sense of my exhausting behavioral patterns.
• Second, Your worth isn't something you have to earn, it's where you start. The central thesis of the book is that you are worthy right now. Not after a promotion, not after losing the last 20 pounds, and not after getting your life in order, you do not have to strive to become "good enough." However, we often hold the opposite belief- that we must somehow earn our worthiness before we're allowed to fully feel it. The author explains that this mindset comes from a scarcity of spirit. And this inner feeling of lack bleeds into every aspect of life and always tells us that we are one slip-up away from proving, to ourselves, that we were never enough.
• Third, there are two different ways of getting over discomfort. One is going through it and eventually surpassing its finish line or boundary (there's always one); the second is actively ignoring it by distracting ourselves or trying to repress it by being indifferent. We live in a culture of numbing, where we're encouraged to be busy and avoid discomfort through distractions (overworking, overeating, shopping, scrolling, etc.). The problem is, you can’t numb just the bad feelings. Numbing unpleasant emotions inevitably numbs the pleasant ones too, and without any of them, we feel no connection to our experience and no joy. Accepting discomfort instead of escaping it is the only way to feel anything good again.
• Fourth, securing rest and joy are not rewards, they are necessary components of our social functioning. This thought that rest and play are not earned luxuries but essential requirements to become resilient, went against everything I had believed as an adult- that exhaustion proved my worth and that slowing down was something to feel guilty about. I learned that defining our self-worth based on how productive we are is a barrier, not a virtue.
• Fifth, boundaries are not walls. The act of "setting boundaries" is a practice in kindness. Boundaries are not to be conceptualized as borders but as the compassionate boundaries of a home, which bifurcates different areas within it. My whole life I believed that if I set a boundary or said "no," I was committing an essential but selfish act, something that could disappoint others. But the author makes the argument that not having boundaries doesn’t make you more loving but only leads to resentment toward those you didn’t say no to.

Understanding the origins of my perfectionismand letting go of the need to earn my worth has greatly calmed me down. It's not because I do less. It's because I don't have to justify rest or setting boundaries. The central message of the book is so simple, yet it’s one of the most difficult lessons to live: Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.

I had been experiencing a quarter-life crisis. I felt busy but without any sense of purpose. So i went back to the book that set me straight the first time i experienced this.

Some of these insights came to me when I listened to this book in a conversational format on Dialogue: Podcasts on Books. Hearing the key ideas of the books broken down in relation to everyday life really made them resonate more intimately.

Here is what I learned about "finding your thing":

- Flow state is where life really happens. When you're fully engaged in something you love, time flies by. I began to notice when I naturally enter this flow state and realized that's when I feel most alive.

- The universe is not in any urgency; we are. Everything in nature grows slowly, like trees, relationships, and wisdom. I was trying to force big life changes overnight and burning myself out. I needed to learn to go with natural rhythms instead of pushing against them.

- Boredom is your brain's way of processing life. I used to panic when I felt unstimulated and would reach for my phone immediately. Now, I sit with boredom and let my mind wander. That's when the best ideas arise when you're not trying too hard.

- Your "Ikigai" isn’t always your job. I spent years thinking I had to make money from everything I was interested in. Sometimes, your purpose can be being a good friend, making art that no one sees, or just bringing calm energy to chaotic situations. It's really about learning to live in the present moment.

- The idea of impermanence shouldn’t induce anxiety. Everything changes your problems, your successes, and your current situation. This used to frighten me, but now it’s oddly comforting. Bad phases pass, but so do good ones, so you end up appreciating both more.

I used to think i was a decent conversationalist, until I began to notice how quickly people would lose interest. Not rudely but just subtly, their eye contact would drift, their answers would get shorter, and you could see that slight shift in their body that meant they were looking for someone else. I’d always considered myself a fairly good conversationalist, until one day i noticed how people would begin to tune out. Not rudely or explicitly, but i could sense that they were now elsewhere, their answer would get shorter, and they would try to end the conversation or interaction on an abrupt note. I thought that whether you are liked or disliked by people speaks directly about your personality.

Recently I listened to this book on Dialogue: podcasts on books. It presented several debates on the book topics, and that really helped me grasp the key ideas of the book explained in relation to everyday life and i realized that the flaw wasn’t my personality at all but a set of skills I had never learned.

Here’s what i took away from it:

• People don't remember what you said. They remember how you made them feel, and that mostly happens before you even speak. The book begins with the idea that- your body communicates before you do. We do so much evaluating before someone even utters a word, from simply assessing their body language, eye contact, and the energy they exert upon entering a room, that we can’t help but make a decision about them and the potential of their relationship with us on the spot. the author argues that people decide if they like you and want to talk to you within seconds, based mainly on non-verbal signals. this is to say that the outcome of the conversation is often decided before it begins.
• The way you make eye contact may be wrong. Many people either avoid eye contact because it feels intense or maintain it artificially to appear confident. The book describes a different type of eye contact, one that is warm and sustained and that shows genuine interest rather than just forced attention. It's called "sticky eyes." The idea is to let your gaze linger a bit longer than feels natural, it's supposed to convey that you truly find the person worth looking at, over and above what they offer. This seems to automatically translate into the person feeling seen, and people who feel seen want to continue the conversation.
• Stop trying to be interesting. Start being interested. This is the central tenet of the entire book. We enter conversations thinking about what we will say next, how we can come across, and if we sound cool or smart. However, according to the book, this is an entirely wrong approach to conversations; typically the more engaging people are not actually doing the talking - rather they ask better questions, listen without formulating their next response, and ultimately make the other person feel as if they were the most interesting person in the room, and really genuine curiosity is just about as good as social skills can get.
• Before attempting to change the emotional atmosphere, try to match it first. One practical idea in the book is to align or adjust your energy and mood with the person you're talking to before the conversation matures. Approaching someone who is quiet and reserved with high energy and enthusiasm creates awkwardness instead of connection. The book asks to take something called a "voice sample," which is assessing the emotional state of the person in front of you and meeting them there first. You may modify this gradually later on, but start at that same level.
• Compliments often don't land because they are superficial. Most people compliment appearances or achievements, but these are the glittering things that are easily noticed by nearly all parties. The book argues that the best compliments usually take the form of acknowledging something about the person they value about themselves but don’t get a lot of positive feedback for, like their thought process, judgment, or how they approach a challenge. These kinds of compliments resonate more intimately because they feel like earned and deserved compliments. The person doesn't just feel flattered, but they feel understood, and that is what a good conversation should amount to.

What makes this book so compelling and a classic is that it does not suggest you become a different person or “fake” confidence you do not have. It simply makes the case that the difference between good socializers and awkward ones is a relatively small set of behaviors we all can actually learn, behaviors that nobody explicitly shares. 

After reading "The Gap and the Gain," I've changed my mind about happiness. I spent the first half of my life convinced that unhappiness was just the price of ambition or being an ambitious person. The more I wanted, the more I felt I was falling short. Happiness, as I saw it, always lay in my next project, and I thought this restlessness was what motivated me. This book made me realize it wasn’t drive at all, but a measurement problem I had never even thought to question.

• The problem: I realized I had been measuring myself against an ideal that was always meant to be unachievable, hence an "ideal." The author refers to this as living in the "Gap," which is the space between where you are and where you think you should be. The issue is that this ideal is always changing. The main inherent gimmick is that your ideal is supposed to be always shifting, and you are always supposed to play catch-up indefinitely. I had spent years chasing a horizon that moved each time I got close, confusing my burnout with ambition. Just understanding that the gap is a choice of measurement and not an obligatory standard for my achivements was the first thing that freed me.
• I did exactly as the book proposed- I began measuring backward instead of forward. This is the "gain perspective." The gain is the distance from where you are now to where you once were. Simply asking, "How far have I come?" instead of "How far do I have to go?" I discovered that the answer was actually considerable and relieving. Progress I had previously dismissed as insufficient began to feel substantial. This isn't about forced positivity or lowering your standards, it's simply reverse logic. There is no universal law that obliges you to measure your growth forward rather than backward. 
• I stopped allowing other people's timelines to have a say on my own measures. A big part of gap thinking is- "social comparison," measuring your insides against someone else's outsides. The point of the matter is that, once you use another person as your ideal, you give control of your self-worth to something entirely external. Which is exactly the opposite of what self-worth is. The only comparison that provides meaningful insight is you versus your past self. Everyone else starts at a different point, running a different race, with factors you can't see. Comparing your chapter three to their chapter twenty is just a sure way to feel perpetually behind.
• This was the most imporatant: I started seeing everything that happened in my life, especially the difficult experiences, as an experience that happened for me, not to me. The book calls this the "experience transformer." When something bad happens- a failure, a rejection, a loss, the gain mindset asks, "What did I learn? What did this build in me? What would I lack today if this hadn't occurred?" This isn’t to tell you not to acknowledge the sorrow of losing something, but to advise you to actively find meaning and value in those experiences instead of simply accepting the pain. Reframing is upto you, it’s a choice you must make intentionally, especially when it’s the toughest.

This shift from measuring forward to measuring backward has drastically changed the feel of most days. It didn't make things easier, but it made it such that I no longer treat my own progress as invisible. I think the motivating insight of the book is this: you are not behind. You are measuring incorrectly. Adjust your measurement, and that chronic feeling of inadequacy begins to fade, perhaps not all at once but gradually, in a way that truly lasts

The majority of productivity advice just makes me feel guilty. 'Do It Today' proved to be helpful for me to make a few simple shifts that really got me moving with almost no over the top effort:

• - Focus on what you're paying attention to, not time This changes everything. Everyone talks about time management. The author suggests that one shouldn't even focus on time. Each of us gets 24 hours like everyone else, but what you don't get is an unlimited supply of attention. Instead of asking, "how can I fit more into my day?" ask yourself, "what is actually getting my attention right now?" In doing so, you will optimize how you use your focus and the results will be night and day.
• -Log your time for a 2 week period every 6 months (twice a year). That's it. You don't need a productivity app, habit trackers, or anything else. Just track for two weeks what you are actually doing and when. That's all. You will find all the time-wasters, often for the first time. You will become conscious of the things you didn't even know were consuming your day. thea author argues that thisis one of the easiest and most powerful exercises to gain productivity in life. It costs nothing, needs no willpower to keep up, and you only need to do it twice a year. Just being aware fixes half the problem.
• -Always be disconnected by default. Get online only when necessary. Instead of turning off notifications and enabling other safety measures, simply think of internet access not as readily available but as something to intentionally have to turn on to access. Being offline is your standard state. Being online is a tool you use when needed. Log out of everything. Check social media on your own schedule a few times a day. This shift from always on to always off removes the constant pull that drains your focus all day without you realizing it.
• - Stop running to comfort. Psychoanalyze yourself (in the most basic sense) and identify the reason you are resistant to what you need to do. Instead of trying to force your willpower, discover why you are procrastinating. Usually, it’s not that you’re lazy but rather you aren’t aligned with what you’re supposed to be doing. According to the author, procrastination signals a misalignment. Either the task doesn’t match what you value, so just cut it, or you might be afraid of the results, which gives you a clear focus for improvement. Either way, you stop wasting energy fighting yourself.
• -Improve by 0.1% every day and stop chasing a big leap or breakthroughs. Not even a whole %. Just 0.1. Small consistent changes do add up. And so does small consistent neglect. Stop looking for radical transformations, start by making small improvements to the thing that you need to accomplish that you can actually achieve every single day. You just need to be slightly better today than you were yesterday in what matters to you.

These work because- willpower is overrated, but systems (behaviors based on autonomous rules) are reliable. You have to focus on changing how you operate entirely and not on a particular daily task you have to force. The system you build should be holistic, a change you want to bring should complement the other necessary tasks in your day and not overlap with them. You decide once, and the system works without turbulence in the background while your output improves.

Some of these shifts came when I was listening to two hosts debate the book ideas on the app- Dialogue Podcasts on Books. Dialogue also offers personalized advice that helped me find the exact change I need to make with minimal effort.

Much of the productivity advice pushed by the success freaks can feel loud and exhausting. "Wake up at 5 AM!, Do deep work blocks!, Track every minute!" These things may work, but they require you to be a different person first. These small shifts don't require much, they can meet you where you are. A few subtle adjustments can lead to a completely different quality of work and life.

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My mental model of a smart person is someone who solves problems by looking at them from different angles, inverts and molds them, and arrives at a favorable and reasonable solution. This person seems to go through this process quickly and effortlessly. But 'Get Smart' by Brian Tracy makes the opposite case- the most effective thinkers are almost always the ones who think slower, longer, and with a great deal more deliberateness than everyone else in the room.

I recently listened to the podcast series of this book on the app Dialogue: Podcast Conversations on Books.

My main takeaway -> "being smart" is only a matter of clearing some misconceptions and habit upgrades. 

Here are the five of my key learnings:

• The first one is long term vs. short term thinking. Generally people are prone to go for the things that have better chances of getting them immediate rewards, or the things that are easy, without thinking about the consequences, even of a week later. But in contrast to this, a ‘high achiever’ asks: "what is this going to look like 5 years from now?". Many outcomes differ simply because of this ‘short term versus long term’ thought pattern. short term is almost always an activity that feels productive, but often isn’t.
• The second is the interval or pause between stimulus and response. Between the moment a trigger is fired and a response occurs, a split second exists when a good decision can be made, and the vast majority of people overtake it. the book asserts that this moment should be preserved. Thinking before reacting and deliberately grasping this interval and, if need be, making a small time delay before you respond will generally result in a better decision. The idea is to gradually make this a habit so it doesn't require conscious extra strain and comes naturally.
• Third is "the way of the solution-oriented thinkers." Most of the people in a ‘problem state’ focus their energy around ‘why me?’, ‘who to blame?’, ‘how it happened?’, ‘how unfair it all is.' Solution-oriented thinking acknowledges the problem, maybe feels a little pity for oneself, but focuses solely on how to resolve it. You cannot hold both ‘problem’ and ‘solution’ simultaneously in your head, whichever one your focus is directed towards is the one that will grow.
• The fourth one is result-oriented thinking. the author very nicely makes the distinction between being busy and being effective. In reality many of the things we do – emails, meetings, meetings about emails, and so on... are just moving around and filling our day with filler. Result-oriented thinking asks the question: "What is the single thing, for me, that I can do right now that will produce visible progress?" The rest is clutter until that question is answered or a way out has been found.
• Finally, we have goal clarity. If you have a goal that’s vague, your mind is free to go off and work on whatever is right there in front of you, which tends to be whatever someone else is urgently pushing or whatever demands immediate attention. A clear written goal helps you actively seek and notice the relevant opportunities that you might have missed otherwise.

What is fascinating is how simple all of these concepts, infact, are and yet how rarely they are practiced.  The book doesn't lay down a straight roadmap for transformation into a "smart person." It only asks you a simple question: are you happy(whatver that may mean for you) with how you are thinking and making decisions? (I suspect, most of the time, the honest answer to this is no.)

I'm packing my way through "Get It Done," by Ayelet Fishbach. It's an attempt to describe the science of motivation" or the science behind motivation; it's not a hustle culture read. The author intends to explain and describe the psychology behind what it is to "chase" a goal, confront hindrances, and have other related psychological first-person experiences. The author being a professor at the University of Chicago, her book is thorough yet easy to understand.

One of the most useful tips I found in the book was 'how framing your goal affects your motivation to pursue it.'

The author makes a distinction between considering a target an end versus a means to an end. If you think of "applying for jobs," it feels like a chore and just a step toward something else. However, if you see it as "finding a job," it becomes the goal itself; this shifts one’s emotional attachment to the task. Once you notice how you frame your own goals, you realize you do this all the time, and this likely drains your motivation even before you start.

On the flip side, there's a key idea from the book that didn't feel quite right to me. The author pushes the idea of making the process enjoyable as a strategy for motivation. Because in life, sometimes, it is indeed the case that we are only motivated to do the task and make progress solely for the sake of achieving an end. While it’s reasonable advice to find joy in the journey, the fact of the matter is, not every task is going to be enjoyable. I don't think it fully tackles the issue when the nature of some work is simply painful and the book treats it like a motivation problem rather than simply acknowledging that sometimes work is not fun.

Has anyone else read it? What do you think of motivation, and how do you cultivate it?

I have read my fair share of books on psychology, habits, resilience, and self-improvement over the years. Most of them tend to explain the topic in a dry and direct manner and urge you to do things like- become more disciplined, recover more efficiently, foster resilience, and cultivate a certain mindset. A few days ago, I finished "PQ-7: You Against Yourself," which takes a very different approach. Rather than telling you these things directly, it has you meet them in person. Less than halfway in the book, the book's characters stopped feeling like fiction at all and began to feel like people I've known, worked with, competed against, or grown up with.

We have a character, Carlos, who walks quietly to his car, grabs a worn-out One Blood blanket he had received after a blood donation, and starts to dry a wet court because nobody else wants to quit on a weekoff morning. We meet Ray, who organizes all the games each week, he checks up with everyone and ensures the attendance, books courts, and arranges food. He is a kind of person whse single question after being in a major medical crisis and waking up in the hospital would be, "When can I play pickleball again?" Then there is Gary, who understands the game better than almost anyone but realizes the frustrating gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it under pressure. We also have Tony, he is someone who offers the same tactical advice for virtually every on-court conversation "hit it to the weaker opponent." (At first, it's funny. Then all of a sudden, it turns into an insightful reflection on competition and why winning matters at all and what it is really.) Last but by no means least is Marco, who has been promising to "bring drinks next time" for literally years, yet somehow consistently forgets them. But everyone still hopes he's there every Saturday because his presence matters more than his contribution.

It wasn't until I met these characters that I realized they were more than just stories. Each one of them illustrated a component of the framework called PQ-7. The seven dimensions that it encompasses are - Heart IQ, Drive IQ, Game IQ, Recovery IQ, Joy IQ, Post-Game IQ, and Camaraderie IQ. But the truly genius part is that the book doesn't teach them like a textbook. By the time the framework is fully explained, you've already experienced each dimension through real people. This makes the ideas stick in a way I honestly didn't expect.

There is a self-assessment at the end, which caught me off guard. I thought it would be just another personality quiz, but I quickly realized I was answering as the person I wanted to be, not the person I usually am. I actually changed several answers before finishing because they pushed me to be more honest than I anticipated.

What stayed with me the most was the realization that it was not really about the pickleball, whih the book revolves around, it's just the framework, or if you prefer, a metaphor. Swap the pickleball court with a golf course, a tennis court, a running group, a gym, or even the workplace, and the same patterns will emerge. By the end, I wasn't asking which character I was. I had been every one of them at different stages of my life. I suspect most readers will feel the same.

So if you are someone who is interested in anything that has to do with psychology, habits, motivation, human behavior, leadership, or simply understanding yourself better, you'll find a lot more here than you might expect.

If anyone's interested: Book link

Happy learning.

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What is self-esteem? 

Most of us think we know what it means- It's simply how we "feel" about ourselves or how we evaluate our own social standing. Genereally, people think of it as something you have on certain days and sometimes you don’t. It rises when things go well and falls when they don’t. I used to view it that way too.

After listening to Nathaniel Branden's 'The six pillars of self esteem' on the book podcast app Dialogue: Podcast discussions on Books, I realized self esteem isn't a feeling at all but a learned concept made up of a simple set of fundamental components or behaviors. It is a set of daily practices I had never been taught or examined for myself.

• The most important idea in the book is this: self-esteem is not a feeling but a result of behavior. The author emphasizes and makes it clear from the beginning. You do not think and feel your way into self-esteem. Instead, you act your way into it through consistent choices over time. This is a radical change in understanding self-esteem. It is not some state that happens to you depending on the circumstances.. Self esteem is something you actively enact or actively neglect. It is something you actively practice or choose not to. This shifts self-esteem from being a mood to being a skill, which is much more practical interpretation.
• "Living consciously" is the first of the pillars, and it supports all the others. The book does not refer to mindfulness in the superficial, modern sense. Rather, it emphasizes the importance of facing reality, acknowledging things you know but may not want to confront, and being fully present in situations that deserve your attention. the author calls this the foundational practice. If you are not honest to yourself about your perceptions, truth, and the feelings that result from them, you can build nothing of substance. Every other element of self-esteem relies on this.
• Self-acceptance is not identical to  "self-approval," and this distinction is quite important. Accepting yourself does not mean you ‘like’ everything you do or think or that you overlook or ignore your flaws. It means you stop fighting against yourself over them. When you reject parts of yourself, be they your feelings of guilt, your failures, or your unwanted impulses, you don't make them disappear or get rid of them. Instead, you cut off your access to them, making it harder to address them. Self-acceptance leads to honest self-reflection without generating any sense of shame.
• "Self-responsibility" is a pillar that many conversations around self-esteem overlook. The author makes the argument that when you give responsibility for your life to outside factors, such as circumstances, upbringing, or other people's actions and their results, you give up control over your self-esteem. You become reliant on external things to feel like how you think you are supposed to feel. Practicing self-responsibility simply means reclaiming ownership over your own life. This is not taking on excessive blame but rather recognizing that you are the only one who can change your situation and make it favorable.
• Personal integrity is the final pillar that the book enlists. The book defines it as 'the willingness to enact your values in your actions. Each time that the gap between what you say and what you do increases- that’s each time you make a promise (to yourself or others) and fail to keep it, you are sending a message to yourself that you can’t be trusted. This essentially transaltes to that- "if you don’t have anyone else there to damage your sense of self-esteem, you seem quite capable of doing the job yourself." Closing that gap, even in small ways, is one of the most effective paths to feeling better about yourself.

All six pillars work together in support of one central idea on which this entire book rests: self-esteem is earned, not given. It is earned through your choices in everyday life, not through extraordinary experiences or external achievements. Most advice about confidence focuses on and tells you what exactly you should be projecting to your external environment. But this book, on the other hand, shows what you should be doing to cultivate the only lasting internal validation there is- your own.

Just finished reading Dopamine nation by Dr. Anna Lembke. There was one idea that was an eye opener for me and redefined my perception for the rest of the book. In the book the author pushes the idea that: pleasure and pain are not opposite forces that are processed in different regions in the brain, rather, they are processed in the same area, with the same intensity and scale and they, as a natural function, try to constantly balance each other.

from a practical viewpoint, this means each time you get a hit of pleasure, which could be from a scroll on instagram, a snack, a sip of wine or a notification on your phone , your brain quickly compensates for this by swaying toward discomfort, it could be anything like a negative hypothetical or some nearing deadline. The pleasure does not simply cease but is lowered in its instensity until it reaches the normal baseline. And the more you chase that pleasure, the lower your baseline goes in the long term. This is why things that once felt good are now simply neutral, and life appears bland. We are not becoming more sensitive to pleasure but are becoming less so. The real problem is the pursuit.

The solution to this, according to my interpretation of the book, is not a psychological withdrawl from things and events. Rather, it's about intentionally reintroducing discomfort, not as a punishment but as a reset. Tiny bits of struggle, boredom, or unpleasantness could tip the seesaw in the other direction and help restore your ability to feel pleasure and goodness.  this seemed counterintuitive to me at first, but as i reflected on it, it gradually made more sense.

I would recommend it to anyone who finds themselves constantly in a state where nothing gives them the sense of fulfillment or spark they once had and couldn't figure out why. 

Have you read it? Do you think this concept of pleasure-pain balance works and makes sense?

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