18 [MtF] from Kerala — Closet/Pre-transition, looking for friends and advice on confusing feelings
Hey everyone. I am an 18-year-old trans girl (MtF) living with my parents in Kerala because I live at home, I am completely closeted and pre-transition. I cannot leave the house for offline groups, so I am exploring everything safely and secretly online.
I am writing this because I really need some advice and connection. For a long time, I have constantly imagined myself as a woman, and it makes me feel incredibly happy. However, when I try on women's clothes in private, I experience a mix of physical arousal, which is immediately followed by a massive wave of intense guilt and regret. It makes me feel like my feelings are fake or wrong, and the stress makes it hard to focus on my daily life.
Did any of you experience this mix of excitement and deep shame when you were starting out? How did you deal with the guilt?
I would love to get advice from older trans women, and I would also love to connect and text privately with other Indian or Malayali trans peers or queer students who are in a similar pre-transition situation just to make friends and support each other. Please drop a comment or send me a DM. Thank you so much!