OCD is so much worse when it feels like the past is out to get you.
this is definitely a form of compulsing but idc rn i dont think my state could get worse. when i was little i had thoughts of being a girl and i hung out with the girls at school. but i haven’t felt that way since like 2nd grade! since then ive taken a pride in being a male, wanted muscle etc typical boy things. go back abt 1 year ago and i joined a discord server for a channel team. and there are so so many transgenders. theres an lgbtq+ channel and i seldom checked it. untillllllll earlier this year where a BUNCH of people coming out that i knew in a short span and even some non lgbtq ppl were posting poctures of themselves in womens clothing. so i tried crossdressing. i did like it i wont deny that. but it was just a fun thing not who i am not what id want to wear in public. but since then the ocd thoughts just go allllll day long. when im having a good time i feel more like a man but with classes back i just wallow in thoughts all day. now of course if i transitioned my life would be 100% over my family would not speak to me again. but also, hell even more importantly id lose myself. i normally related to male teachers, male chatcaters, the male parent… i wish i could just go back. another thing is i keep thinking “transitioning isnt a choice” so maybe im super repressed and have internal transphobia or whatever the name is and that its gonna happen to me whether i likeit or not. and also because ive liked a few “girly“ things like idol animes but its not allat. At this point i deadass miss my previous ocd obsession which was about being perfect and perfectly disciplined. also i feel dumb because my ocd was clearing up and i told my therapist to switch to biweekly but now i wish i didnt.