Recent paintings, acrylic 2x4ft, *CW: nudity
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I am struggling lately. I was finally diagnosed with autism at 34 in 2025, and the truth is that I knew I was for years, I just didn't have the paperwork.
I have tried combating my anxiety with a new job in an animal lab that I had to quit in 3 months because I was miserable, and right after I was let go from a different seasonal job with plants that I actually enjoyed because the green house ended its contract with the store I worked at.
It's always been difficult to find work I can manage, especially in a small town, so it stings and feels alienating to "lose" when you really try to work hard.
I've been on a journey to go to art school in the city (my dream since I was a teen) but I still have a lot of hurdles to cross, especially financially. Even with scholarships/financial aid, art school is shockingly expensive and I was born into and have lived below the poverty line for majority of my life.
I am so grateful to live in subsidized housing for the disabled and elderly, but it comes with caveats like constantly battling off bed bugs and roaches. (10 years of using diatomaceous earth and Cimexa to fight for my sanity) Also, there is a federal law that says you can't live in subsidized housing and be a full time student, you can only be part time, which limits your ability to get scholarships and grants that require full time status - laws like this make it harder to escape poverty.
I exited a long distance abusive relationship (he would call me racial slurs and be cruel when drunk, actually he was just cruel in general) in 2024 only to immediately enter another relationship that is frankly stressing me out.
I love him and he has helped me in many ways, but again, I have naively fallen for a person who has a multitude of cracks and I have told him he has darkness within. It's like I'm addicted to euphoria and pain. I know it's not my duty to mend him like kintsugi and yet I feel compelled to stay. But I want healing, too, I want to shimmer even though I'm fragile.
Someday I hope to be able to thrive as a neurodivergent person without so much sadness and mental turbulence.