Is it worth it trying to set boundaries while living with a narcissist?
I (18F) start university in October and have no choice but to continue to live with my covert narcissistic mother. And I wonder. Can standing up for yourself even help protect your wellbeing in the household with a narcissist? Like even trying to set any boundaries? I genuinely cannot allow her behavior silently anymore but I am worried that me standing up will do nothing but ruin my life further for me.
I know about gray rocking and usually don’t engage in any of her attempts to get a reaction out of me, even though she drives me nuts every day. I just know that it is a game I cannot win and I genuinely have no energy left to argue with her only to always end up being cussed out and blamed. I am constantly in fight-or-flight and get a panic attack whenever I hear her getting mad again.
But I genuinely cannot detach or not be affected by her no matter how hard I try. I am so sick of always feeling this boiling rage, having nowhere to direct it and being forced to tolerate someone who only brings negativity and yelling into the house. I literally get so enraged whenever she starts talking because she genuinely cannot finish a sentence without somehow disrespecting me or blaming me or micromanaging me or making her problems my responsibility. And she doesn’t work, so I have to deal with her 24/7. It feels like having a tempered child with a ticking bomb in my own house.
And just having her around means walking on eggshells every single day and not even having control over your day. It literally revolves around her and can change any minute because of her. I feel like I am in a waiting mode every single day. And she doesn’t give me any privacy even though I close my door (she barges in anyways). I cannot have a schedule of my own without it being interrupted for no reason. And I cannot say something like “Let’s talk later” or “I don’t really want to talk right now” or "I am kinda busy right now, let's figure this out a bit later". She feels entitled to my time and energy and if I don’t immediately provide she lashes out on me.
And the reason this is so hard for me is because she is really good at keeping her mask on and convincing me how much of a good mother she is and how much she sacrificed for me. Yes, when I was a child, she cooked for me, clothed me, bathed me, took me to school, bought me things… but she was never there for me and used me as a scapegoat. She claimed she is always there, that I can tell her anything, sometimes told me she loved me and I never saw a problem with her for as long as I could even despite her making it clear she never saw me as a person and took any opportunity to degrade and humiliate me. However at one point I realized I couldn’t excuse her behavior anymore.
And because of her making this version of the perfect mother appear so believable to the outside world and to some part of myself, I cannot confidently stand up for myself and not collapse when I get get yelled at and cussed out again. Like I genuinely don’t know what words or magic spells to use to make her treat me better and for me not to feel humiliated and deranged after the confrontation. So I just suck it all up and stay silent. It physically hurts.
She always made me feel so small I cannot even consider myself my own person. I feel like an extension of her. She always made it clear she sees me as one and made all my achievements about herself or using it as an opportunity to brag to everyone she knows. Every time she starts going mad at me I feel like a prey.
I could go in detail of our dynamics but this post is already too long and I don't really feel like anyone is going to read it fully anyways.
My dad is my safe person, but obviously, he is the one who works and his job demands him to be away most of the year. He also suffers from her behavior, sometimes calls her out for her bullshit and tries to somehow make it work by having long ass conversations with her (that always end up with her crying, yelling and cussing at him for “mistreating her” and “always blaming her”). But I see that those conversations don’t do anything - she makes it seem like she is changing after them, but only I can see behind the scenes that it was all just a mask. She doesn't change one bit and continues to blame everyone around her. And I see that she doesn't even view me as a threat. She just confidently says any shit she wants around me knowing I will just suck it all up. She is the one who is making her life miserable.