Got triggered by my roommate, do not know how to react
Hey, I've never really posted on reddit, only ever read stories through Tik tok or Youtube. But I found this group and figured maybe I could talk about my experience as someone who has PTSD and is struggling everyday.
My story is a bit odd, I live with 12 roomates in a big house. And of course living with that many people can come with problems, and to actively fight my distrust of people I chose to live in this big house to avoid isolation and making my PTSD worse by avoiding people in general.
Everything was great until one of my roomates who had a disability started following me around and everything. I'm not gonna get into details because I've currently pressed charges and I'm waiting to hear from it. My PTSD is from family abuse who went on for 25 years, and from bad experience with men.
Anyway I fought for months to have him removed and/or be safe, and he is finally gone. I started feeling like finally I was free and could live inside my own home without feeling unsafe after months of negociation and having to advocate for myself which drained the life out of me and left me feeling battered. My other roomates ( who do not have disabilities ) have been very supportive, and cheering for me, understanding how hard it was for me to stand up for myself and how fucked up the situation was. Yes I've specified only my roomates without disabilities because my other roomates have mental disabilities and I do no think they understand or grasp the situation, nor do I wish to cause them distress because it was initially their friend and they also suffered from his actions ( he harassed multiple people etc ).
So I mainly told my other roomates, in that group there was someone I was sort of close to, we'd watch episodes of our favorite tv show every monday, or have a conversation late at night around a teacup and we'd have deep conversations. This went on for months, he told me about his family, I told him a bit more about me and while he was social I felt like we had something special.
Last week end it's me and another girl and him, except we all get pretty drunk quickly from the tequila. Things go on and we move to the basement for a karaoke, he seems friendlier than usual but I brushed it off.
When I sat he gave me his sweater right away because I was cold, which was nice, and finally he sat next to me, his head close to me ( he knows I don't like to be touch or close to people because I am autistic ). But I don't know what happens, at some point he touches my feet which is weird like trying to reach for my hand but it's my feet, and I'm like ' Hey this is my feet ' he seems embarassed but when he lays down on the couch he puts his hand on my knee and rubs his thumb on the inside which made me freeze instantly.
He did not say anything nor did he try anything in the past or even made a flirty comment. I am genuinely just frozen, and my other roomate is here and I don't want to be a party pooper by screaming at him. He keeps doing it, seeing I have no reaction he asks if it's okay. I get very nervous and I fawn completely like dismissing it nodding, barely speaking and just trying to pick a song.
He says " I can tell it's not okay, sorry" seems embarassed, does it again 20 minutes later. Keeps trying to do it, initiate contact.
Asks me again if it's ok and I say " We'll talk about it later " because I do not want to throw a fit, especially after everything that has happened with my other roomate. But he keeps either 'forgetting' and keeps doing it.
When we're alone around 5am finally I ask him ( still terrified but trying to get through it all ) what the hell was that. He tells me he likes me as more, blabla, doesn't know what he wants.
I tell him I have PTSD and do not feel okay with touch etc. Guess who tries to initiate contact again, 5 minutes later, I literally ended up grabbing his hand hoping it would stop him from touching any other part of me, while telling him " I am really not comfortable with touch " and he proceeds to kiss my hand and I officially feel grossed out.
2 days later he's very drunk again and apologizes for making me feel uncomfortable in any type of way, which I brushed off because I didn't want to be alone with him when he's drunk.
I fawned at first and was like " Ok let's stay friends " but now I feel terrible, I am scared to even leave my room AGAIN. I have no one to talk about it with. I am scared my girls' roomates won't believe me, or worse make me feel bad about it. I didn't want to freeze, but I literally felt like I was gonna ( I have endured sexual and physical abuse in the past and have a very hard time being touched without feeling like I'm going to be hit or worse. Any form of touch by a man brings me back to that one memory I try to stay away from instantly ). I am uncapable of articulating this in real life, I really used to like my roomate but I feel so disappointed and worse. He had been one of the first person to support me when I was being harassed and proceeded to do something very similar. I hate it because I used to feel safe with him, which is one of the reasons I liked him so much.
What would you do if you were me ?