Where do you draw the line between a personal attack and asking to be heard?
I was in a quite intense relationship where she would often bring up issues, usually about wanting me to do something differently or to do something I wasn’t doing. The problem was that I often couldn’t distinguish this from a personal attack.
For example, she would say that I deliberately ignored her, or that I didn’t have any feelings for her, because I had done something differently from what she expected. From my point of view, those statements were simply untrue. These disagreements often turned into fights and arguments. After many of those fights, she would tell me that all she wanted was to feel heard — for me to listen to what was bothering her rather than immediately trying to defend myself or fix the problem.
I have a very strong “fix-it” attitude, and I’ve also noticed some avoidant-attachment traits in my own behaviour. Looking back, I think I struggled to understand what she actually needed from those conversations, because so many of the things she said felt like attacks, guilt trips, or accusations, and sometimes seemed blown out of proportion to me.
So where, in your opinion, is the line between expressing your feelings, communicating what makes you angry or hurt, and attacking the other person?
And if you’re someone who is very sensitive to perceived criticism, how do you learn to actually hear what the other person is saying without immediately becoming defensive?