u/RHCPFlea

After another girl lossing interest in talking to me for a single night over text messages. Im just boring to talk to.

I feel like i want to talk, but during the 10 or so messages her tone, her replies changed quickly to the point of short responses, no questions, no new topics, no emojis.

I just suck at talking to women, and ive once again screwed up my chances to have a friend that wants to get to know me.

Im not attractive enough to be this boring, im not funny enough to be bad at talking over text. Im just not enough of a person, to have women want to get to know me.

I shouldve realised earlier, and i think i had to a degree. As it felt like we had a good chat in person when we first met, and now she doesnt want to continue messaging me, because im just not fun to talk too.

How can i be better at talking? I try to ask questions, to not be overbearing about talking about myself, to make jokes and not dismissing what they said. And yet, ive just never gotten better at it.

Just pure anguish. Raw emotional hatred of myself and my life.

Today is hard, like really fucking hard. I havent been able to cry in a very long time, but now i cant stop.

And i cant be angry with anyone other than myself. Even know i shouldnt be.

Im so tired of being alone, of watching everyone ive ever liked choose someone else. I cant stand it.

Im forced to listen, to bear witness and hold my emotions in check. Yet i keep seeing it in my mind, everyone else having sex and me lying in my cold bed alone for the longest time. Hearing someone you like have sex in the other room, hearing someone i use to like have sex in a different room. And it just makes me feel soo alone.

I want to believe one day, maybe someone will see me, want to be around me, want me to warm their bed. And yet, i put myself out there, and im so consistantly alone.

Its obviously me, but i dont understand why. I dont know how to be better. I just want to be able to tell someone i like them without remembering the previous times of non-stop rejection.

And my fear, my pain, it runs through me everytime. Whether someone has or hasnt flirted with me, i cant tell. And no one in my life has ever said they think ive been flirted with. Ive heard them say it to each other, so i assume if they noticed theyd say so.

Today, im drowning in a pool of anguish that ive made myself over the last 15 years. And i just want to be able to get out. But when i try, and i feel like i have definitely tried. I fall as im trying to escape.

Tomorrow, my pain will be worse, though i may not feel worse. Its always there, always threating to overwhelm me. And ive tried to get through it, accept the future may not be the one i think it will be. But then who knows, the day after, the week after, in 3 weekends time. Something will happen, and ill be back to my inescapable loneiness.

Woe to me, and i just cant stop the self hatred, because i hate my life, because i made my life. And ive made it so very hard for myself.

Ive always been told im smart, i skated through school on the min i could.

Now im in a good job, with a good potential future. I get paid very well, and as much as i do actually enjoy my job, i hate my life.

Id give all of that "smartness" away if it meant i could be happy. I hate so much that my pyschologist says "yourve got a good brain, yourll figure it out". I only have this to say, fuck that. Ive tried, ive overthought every situation ive come across to hell, and im only getting sadder as life goes on.

I just want to be part of something, to belong. I just want a partner who wants to be around me, who wants to talk to me, who wants to share in my life and wants me to be part of their life. But im not, and i cant be, because i cant stop thinking about their intentions, their motivations. And what person would ever want to be with me, no one. Someone that questions their minor facial expressions, or the way they word their sentences, or they way their behaviour changes when around others.

I wish, more than anything, i didnt notice small things, i wish, i could hear a compliement and not think of the words they chose to use to obscure another fact.

I just want to be happy, and yet, my brain is so determined to find a flaw in everything, in myself, that happiness is nothing more then a fucking pipe dream, and yet, my dreams are only nightmares, where im so lost, and wish to be found.

I want to dream without feeling alone, i want to fight, without feeling its hopeless. I just want to be happy, without feeling its meaningless.

I should add, im ugly as fuck. Havent kissed a girl (let alone, anything more), in ober 13 years.