I can’t stop obsessing over my husband’s past
I have a very unhealthy obsession with online stalking my husband's past hook ups.
Sorry this is going to be all over the place. I'm not a very good writer lol.
I (f 28) married my husband (m 28) 1.5 years ago. We've been together for over 5 years now.
He loves me so much. He doesn't hide that he is a simp for me, he treats me like a princess, there is not a single thing that is a red flag to me. We went to the same uni, but met shortly after graduating. Our school was very small so everyone knew everyone type of environment... which is pretty annoying because I quickly came to find out that I know a bunch of his ex hook ups... some very personally.
I am my husband's first ever serious relationship. He's had some flings and one nighters here and there but here's the thing. I can't stop obsessing over them.
You know how some girls obsess over their ex's new gf/bf? Well, it feels similar to that, I guess, but with my husband's past. I'm not sure why this is triggering to me. Maybe it's the fact that I quite literally know some of the girls he's hooked up with. Maybe it's that I can't accept that he's found other girls attractive before me.
It was even worse with my ex bf, let's call him Adam. He was extremely toxic, on and off multiple times. He would bring up his ex constantyl and every time we "took a break" he would go on a tear and meet up with random girls from Tinder.
I was really jealous of Adam's ex girlfriend. I of course found her on Instagram and began to look her up online... but then a weird feeling emerged.
I wanted to become friends with her.
I saw that we had a similar sense of clothing style, music taste, and hobbies. I actually became pretty obsessive to the point where I made fake Instagram accounts, called her hiding my phone number... I'm not sure what to accomplish. I guess to get close to her?
Anyway, fast forward to today. I catch myself doing the same stuff to my husband's past hook ups. Look them up online. Obsessively analyze their clothes, their hobbies, etc. I'm disgusted by my own behavior. We're married for Christ's sake!
I am in fact in therapy and dealing with this issue (it's called retroactive jealousy). I am ashamed that I feel like I have to still compare myself to other girls, even though I am married to my husband. i think that a lot of the toxicity with my ex is bleeding into my marriage, and that's why I have these obsessive behaviors still.
Please be kind to me, I know this is pretty messed up. I know most of you probably think I have very low self esteem, but I actually am a pretty confident person. I know my husband doesn't deserve this. It's not that I am insecure of him cheating on me or something like that. Just the online stalking and obsession seems like second nature to me now, I guess.