Pain
I see lots of people on here saying they’ve been on T breaks for days, weeks, months etc. while I’m incredibly happy for these people I can’t help but feel a tinge of envy as a T break feels so impossible to me I can’t even put it into words. I started smoking in college only during weekends here and there. Eventually it somehow became a daily thing after graduation. Been smoking daily multiple times a day for 4 years, about a 1/4th every week. Every time I tell myself I’ll avoid a wake and bake or wait until later, I have an absolutely miserable time and I take everything out on my poor husband. I end up saying absolutely nasty horrible things I can’t take back or spiraling at the most mundane everyday problems, and this feeling in my chest I can’t even describe; the hopelessness, raw pain, intense turmoil of emotions that weed has been muting. Desperately wanting to come out of my body to stop feeling the mental anguish. Today I ended up taking a Xanax to calm down but I obviously do not want to be dependent on that. I do have ADHD which means I already struggle heavily with dopamine balance. I’ve lurked on this subreddit for years reading every piece of advice And when I tell you I’ve tried everything, I have. Meditation, breathing, therapy, SSRIs, hobbies, cold showers, even getting up and working out in the morning. But I always revert back to it. For example, I’ll only get up and work out in the morning because I KNOW I’ll be able to reward myself with weed right after. It consumes my mind. The only time I can stop is when I travel overseas and usually the first day is the hardest but it’s smooth sailing from there. Which is why I KNOW this is all in my head. The minute I’m back in the country it’s like I never stopped smoking. why the fuck am I willingly being a prisoner? How do I fix this?
I want to cure my relationship with weed. I need a way to regulate my emotions while stopping/cutting back because I can’t stand the guilt from hurting my loved ones and the constant anxiety and depression.