u/Rae_Momof4

I came here a month or so ago looking for support as my 26-year-old son went through divorce proceedings. Your comments were very helpful not just in helping me to support him, but also because seeing similar stories let him know he wasn't alone.

When my son finally let us in, it was almost too late. He was, in his words, in a very dark place and having some very dark thoughts.

If your marriage is breaking down and the red flags below are happening to you, reach out for help. There are people who love you, who see what's happening, and who want to be there for you. Don't allow yourself to be cut off from them when you need them the most.

1. Whenever you express concerns about something she's said or done, it leads to a fight that morphs into somehow being your fault. Her goal is to make you question yourself and doubt your reality.

2. When something positive happens to you, she belittles it. Maybe she shames you for thinking it's a big deal, or maybe she says it only happened to you because of her. Her goal is to wipe out your self-esteem.

3. Whenever you seem to be enjoying yourself, whether that's with friends, family, hobbies, or even a simple conversation with a stranger, she picks a fight. Her goal is to ensure you only focus on her.

4. She tries to drive a wedge between you and your friends/family through making derogatory comments, shaming you for your relationships, attempting to sow gossip, lying, etc. Her goal is to break down those relationships and make you feel unloved and alone.

5. She monitors your phone, email, etc., ensuring that she's a part of every interaction. Her goal is to make sure you have no chance to give or receive information or support.

Once you question yourself and doubt your reality, once your self-esteem is gone, once all forms of enjoyment are gone, once you feel unloved and alone, once you're isolated from everyone who can help, you're at your most vulnerable.

Don't let that happen. Reach out for help.

Original post is here.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by to offer support.

I ended that post with a quick update that the day she was supposed to leave, she refused to leave. She just texted kind of a, "I decided to stay so we can work it out! I love you!" message while he was at work. Crazy how she's always felt 100% in control of everything. But I guess she has been, until now.

He got home and told her she had no right to make that decision for both of them, he's been trying for 1.5 years of marriage, and he's finished. There was apparently a big fight during which he outlined everything she's done to make him feel unloved, unsupported, and belittled, and she begged and pleaded for another chance, which has always worked in the past. But this time, I told his dad and his older brother that I was stepping back because they're the ones he needs to hear from more than me. I'm mom. I'm more emotional, I worry, and he expects it. But they're men. There's a difference in the way we relate. They prepared him for the love bombing, and it didn't work.

Divorce papers are signed and filed, quitclaim deed done, mortgage being refinanced under my son's name. She's supposed to drive away this weekend once her car is fixed. We'll see.

I do think at this point my son's eyes have been opened. He has all of us supporting him, and he seems to be waking up to the damage she's done. Someone said these relationships were like the frog in boiling water, and that's a perfect analogy.

He told me he's figured out he's just not good at relationships. This was his first marriage, but his second relationship with a very, very similar personality (in high school and early college). I told him it's not that he's not good at relationships, it's that he's drawn to the wrong people. He wants to fix broken people, but he can't.

He plans on going to therapy to put himself back together and figure out why he's drawn to the women he's drawn to. In the meantime, I ordered The Empath and the Narcissist for him and will give it to him when I see him soon. He's not a huge reader, but he is searching for answers, and after a lot of research, this book seems made for him. Maybe it'll help someone else out here, too.

Again, thank you all for everything. Even reading the stories of others has made me feel as if we're not crazy, and I wish you all peace and healing.