u/Rare-Ground2361

My mom is talking to somebody about something (it's private), and the topic of homeschooling came up. She is gloating about how we function like an actual school (schedule, interaction, ect,) and how involved she is. She is LYING. LIKE OH MY GOD. She bought 2 BOOKS for us to read together, and we read 1. The other has just been sitting and is now a fucking paper weight. It's been YEARS. Then she had us listening to an audio book on YouTube while she did housework. That lasted for two days, and we haven't read or listened to shit since. That was also years ago. She said that she doesn't just have us sitting in front of a computer, and she's very involved. Girl. GIRL. SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I LEARN EACH YEAR. SHE DOESN'T CHECK WHAT TO SEE IF I'VE DONE WORK. SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M STARTING 12TH GRADE THIS YEAR!!!! The only time she's involved with my schooling is the day before the first day of school. Other than that, I'm on my own. She didn't buy any workbooks for me because my sister said she they weren't needed, somebody who doesn't value school, mind you. AND NOW SHE'S LYING ABOUT DROPPING US OFF AT THE MALL AND THE THEATER. SHE DROPPED US OFF AT THE MALL ONE TIME. ONCE. WE HAVEN'T BEEN BACK SINCE. The only reason we, as a family, went to a theater because mom wanted to go. And that was literally a month ago, which was my first time being inside a movie theater. I didn't even know we had one so close to home because WE DON'T GO ANYWHERE. SHE'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT GAS SO WE DON'T ASK. She says she isn't holding us hostage, which, I mean, she isn't. Physically, at least. But do you really fucking think we're gonna ask to go places when you ALWAYS complain about having no gas? Like girl WAKE THE FUCK UP.

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For context, my older sister and I have been homeschooled for like 8 years now with no connection to the outside world except through screens. She started college today.

So, at lunchtime, my sis called my mom and was debriefing the day so far at that point. She ended up telling her that she met someone who had a lot of scars on their arms. My mom proceeded to tell her to stay away from him. Like, omfg 😶. It made me upset because I have scars all over my thighs. She doesn't know they exist, but still. So should my sister avoid me too? My mom has SEVERE mental health issues, so should we all avoid her? Like wtf. I'm already slightly ashamed to show my legs because I have a few scars on the lower parts of my leg (which are easy to blame on my cats), but this just made it a bit worse. Idk. Maybe I'm overreacting.

I'm trying so hard not to be jealous of my sister, because I know I'll be going to college next year and it isn't that far away. But omg I can't take this. Hearing her talk about all the people she met, everything she did, the fact that she has REAL teachers with REAL work to do, it all made me feel so jealous. She gets to be out in the world while I'm still sitting on my bed, wishing I had a life to live. She also said that there are queen people there, which means I'm not the only one in this city 💀😭. It doesn't help that she's taking art classes 😭. Art is a passion of mine that I don't really talk about because no one else values art the way I do. My sister doesn't either; she's taking some of the classes for the credits.

When we went to pick her up, I felt so out of place amongst people who are literally my age or a little older than me. Like, I've never seen so many young people. And I've never seen so many African American guys with HAIR. My mom always told me that black men are supposed to cut their hair to look professional, otherwise we'd look homeless, ect. But they actually had hair, and lots of it. Like omg I feel like an alien. AND SHE STILL THINKS I CAN DRIVE FOR WHATEVER REASON. My permit expires in 2 months. I haven't even driven outside the neighborhood. NO ONE HAS BEEN TEACHING ME TO DRIVE FOR MONTHS. But yet she still thinks I can drive. Like girl open your eyes.

For context, my older sister and I have been homeschooled for like 8 years now with no connection to the outside world except through screens. She started college today.

So, at lunchtime, my sis called my mom and was debriefing the day so far at that point. She ended up telling her that she met someone who had a lot of scars on their arms. My mom proceeded to tell her to stay away from him. Like, omfg 😶. It made me upset because I have scars all over my thighs. She doesn't know they exist, but still. So should my sister avoid me too? My mom has SEVERE mental health issues, so should we all avoid her? Like wtf. I'm already slightly ashamed to show my legs because I have a few scars on the lower parts of my leg (which are easy to blame on my cats), but this just made it a bit worse. Idk. Maybe I'm overreacting.

I'm trying so hard not to be jealous of my sister, because I know I'll be going to college next year and it isn't that far away. But omg I can't take this. Hearing her talk about all the people she met, everything she did, the fact that she has REAL teachers with REAL work to do, it all made me feel so jealous. She gets to be out in the world while I'm still sitting on my bed, wishing I had a life to live. She also said that there are queen people there, which means I'm not the only one in this city 💀😭. It doesn't help that she's taking art classes 😭. Art is a passion of mine that I don't really talk about because no one else values art the way I do. My sister doesn't either; she's taking some of the classes for the credits.

When we went to pick her up, I felt so out of place amongst people who are literally my age or a little older than me. Like, I've never seen so many young people. And I've never seen so many African American guys with HAIR. My mom always told me that black men are supposed to cut their hair to look professional, otherwise we'd look homeless, ect. But they actually had hair, and lots of it. Like omg I feel like an alien. AND SHE STILL THINKS I CAN DRIVE FOR WHATEVER REASON. My permit expires in 2 months. I haven't even driven outside the neighborhood. NO ONE HAS BEEN TEACHING ME TO DRIVE FOR MONTHS. But yet she still thinks I can drive. Like girl open your eyes.

For context, my mom and I were talking about something, and she said to me, "You're still a kid." I've been spiraling since.

Like, I'm know I'm 17, but I feel like I stopped maturing at 15 and am also in my late 30s. The last time I actually had a sliver of a life was when I was 15. Life has gone downhill since. But since then, I feel like I haven't grown up at all, but I have somehow aged 20 years? My mom has always talked to me about bills, her anxiety, her trauma, her sex life with my dad, ect. Basically, the full spectrum of emotional incest. It didn't bother too much when I was younger. But it got a LOT worse from a little after I turned 16 to now. I know way more than I should. But then again, I feel like I should know these things? Like, I'm never actually gonna experience being young, so I might as well go on and grow up mentally. I worry about bills, whether or not college will be affordable to me, if my dad will keep his job (he has a government job), and a lot more. I feel like a huge burden because I know having kids is extremely expensive, especially when you were already poor and decided to have two kids ( it would've been 3, but shit happens). I feel like a grown ass man who is just leeching off his parents and never got an actual education. Simultaneously, I still want to be young. I still want to *feel* young. I wish I had friends, stuff to do outside the house, a fucking life. It's like my mind is constantly warring with itself over whether or not it's young or old.

Does anyone else feel this way? Sorry if this made no sense.

I've been her therapist for most of my life, and recently, the straw that broke the camels back, well, broke my back. I cut her off emotionally. I didn't do it intentionally. I think it's just my mind's response to being stressed PAST its limit. I'm sure she's noticed, but she hasn't said anything, and I don't care. You can't tell someone how horrible their father is and then expect them to still love him just because *you* made up with him for the 100th time. And you definitely can't downplay it because how tf else would I know my dad likes cnc and did that shit to her without consent.

This week has been tough on her due to bills, bodily pains, and menopause issues. I've been hearing all about it, but I've decided to just listen and not hold on to any of it. Today, there was a mishap with the cats' food. I gave them the wrong can, which was supposed to be for the stray outside. I asked her if I should give our cats that can, and she said yes, but she doesn't remember. She thinks she said no. Her memory is messed up due to her going through menopause. She knows that, but she insists that what she thinks happened actually happened. She ended up having an emotional breakdown after i consistently disagreed with her (like I said, this week has been tough on her), and now she's upset with me. I know she is because she hasn't said a word to me since and is now watching a movie with my dad that her and I were supposed to watch together.

In the past, I would've found ways to blame myself, but now, I don't fucking care. I've been filled up with everyone else's emotions so much that I can barely feel my own, and, at times, I question if I even have any. I can not take it anymore. Feeling this way makes me think I'm a bad person, and I hate it. I shouldn't disregard my mother's emotions, especially when it pretains to something I did. But omg I refuse to lose my mind over a mishap with cat food. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of her venting to me, her emotions being mine, her relationship with my dad, all of it. I'm done. I thought just listening to her would make it less draining, but I was wrong. I feel horrible saying all of this because she's been through so much in life and has nobody else to go to. But omfg

Our parents started homeschooling me in 4th grade, and her at the beginning of her 7th grade school year. Ever since then, we've done everything together. Literally everything. My mother would make us do the same work and didn't understand why I didn't understand it. We had to take driver's ed together, which was a waste of money because. I still have my learner's permit, while my sister has gotten her license. Neither one of us can drive. My dad rushed to teach her everything like 2 weeks before her birthday because her permit was about to expire and completely stopped teaching me. When they finally let us go out without them, we had to do it together. I could literally go on and on about the things we had to do together, most of which could've been done by ourselves. I think my parents think that if she and I are close, we'll always have each other and wouldn't need friends.

Now she's starting college. I'm really happy for her, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not hurt by it. Her life is finally beginning, and mine is staying the same way, just without her. She gets a real teacher, real work, real friends, a LIFE, and I'm still stuck with Kahn Academy, work I already know or can barely do, no friends, and no life. I hate that I feel this way. I hate feeling jealous. My mom keeps asking me if I want to skip 12th grade and go off to college. I tell her because I'm obviously not ready, but she wouldn't know that because she isn't involved with my schooling at all. But it's whatever. I'll get there eventually, I guess.

Sorry if this made no sense.

I kept getting in trouble every few months since April last year for "disrespecting my dad." I didn't want to talk to him or be around him, but I never went out of my way to be mean to him, which is how my mom made it seem. All of this started because she told he he used to 🍇 her. She DID NOT spare ANY details. Like at all. Then, he peed in the bed next to her and didn't even clean it up or acknowledge it. THEN, I had to help her with something HE should've helped her with. All of this happened in a span of a couple of months. I think my reluctance to want any kind of relationship with my father is valid, but I could be wrong.

Fast forward, after wanting a divorce, asking me for reassurance about said divorce, and considering steps to begin said divorce, she magically loved him again, and he became her pride and joy once more 🙄😬. I'm not like them. I don't move on from literal sexual assault like it's just a casual argument. But they didn't like that. Thus, the constant lectures and threats of being kicked out of the house, as well as being called ungrateful, began. Like omg excuse me for caring. She moved on, obviously, and expected me to move on to as if this information wasn't entirely new to me. Despite literally describing what he did to her as 🍇, she now denies it being that, and admitted to doing the same thing to him, and that it was just a misunderstanding because he likes that stuff and she doesn't. Girl. GIRL 😶.

After that, I was tired, mentally and emotionally. And now, I honestly don't feel anything anymore when it comes to them. Like, if y'all want to divorce every few years and then act like nothing happened, have at it. It's hard enough being home all damn day with no life outside the house. Try dealing with your parent's cracked relationship as well as juggling the uncertainty of your future, trying to keep much of yourself a secret so your mom won't be depressed, trying to show some of your personality so your mom won't think *you're* depressed, AND teaching yourself everything while falling behind drastically. Like, y'all can divorce, or not, I don't care. Just leave me out of it.

Now, it's like I barely care about anything relating to them. My mom was telling me about her headache, and I didn't even care. She was sick in bed, and I barely batted an eye. Before everything happened, I naturally used to try to help out in any way possible. Now, I force myself to. She was even telling me about her fear of one of the stary cats we feed possibly being dead, and I forced myself to TRY to comfort her. I hate it so much. It's like I'm numb inside. I feel like such an asshole. It concerns me, honestly, because what if it's permanent? What if I'm stuck this way, and when I finally make my way into the world, I'll be a shell of a person? I don't know anymore. I just wish I could rewind time back to 2024. Nobody knew I was gay, I was in driver's ed, I wasn't bored 24/7, and everyone was happy. Happy enough, at least. I was still teaching myself everything, but the severity of it wasn't something that ate at me all day.

I'm sorry if this wasn't the right place to post this. And sorry if it's messy.

I'm gonna try to explain as best as I can.

So, I'm out to my immediate family. My mom knew first, then she told my dad, who didn't really acknowledge it, and my sister found out recently. My mom and dad have known since last year; *eveything* was fine. My mom was incredibly supportive and encouraged me to be myself. She was always checking in with me to make sure I was okay. My dad kept quiet about it, which didn't bother me because I didn't care anyway.

Recently, I made the mistake of letting an explicit music video play on my TV. The thing is, I hadn't seen that video in years, so I completely forgot about the sexual nature of it. My parents saw it, and my dad was pissed. To sum that two-hour conversation up, he ends up telling me that I'm possessed by a homosexual spirit, and that the spirit makes its presence known *sometimes*, those times being when I walk, talk, and in my mannerisms. He said I didn't used to be this way, and that it hurts him. He said a lot more homophobic stuff, like the fact that I apparently chose to be gay, but that's irrelevant. What hurt me the most was that my mom backed him up. It confused me so much, and it still does. She said she's worried she's going to hell for me being gay, she's worried for my dad's legacy and bloodline (the same bloodline she said she was disgusted by months before that conversation), and she's worried for my future, which is a little understandable. She said that I know my dad doesn't like gay stuff, so I need to "respect his household." Might I add, it's only "his" household when one of us is in trouble with him. Any other times, it's hers.

Also recently, something happened, and it broke my mom. She told us how depressed she's been. I won't go into detail because it's not my business to tell, but it was pretty bad. But the relevant part is that she said me being gay is part of what's making her depressed. She also brings it up sometimes, slyly, when she's scolding me. She didn't used to.

Since that day, I've been trying to hide every part of me that makes it obvious. He, my dad, said it's in the way I talk, walk, and in my mannerisms, so I've been speaking less, walking slower, and staying to myself. I refuse to turn my TV on because it's Pride month and I don't want to be scolded. To sum it all up, I've been trying to go back into the closet. It hurts, but I'd rather I hurt than my mom. She already goes through enough. I've noticed that I lost so much of myself since that day, I don't even recognize myself anymore. I've lost touch with my dreams, my music, and my personality in general.

I don't want to be a shell of a person, but I also don't want my mom to hurt anymore. I don't have anybody to talk to about this (I'm homeschooled), so I keep EVERYTHING bottled up, and it eats at me every single day. I just don't want to lose the sliver of self-love I had.

I'm sorry if this was all messy. I'm doing two things at once rn. But any advice is appreciated.

Around this time last year, she told me that my dad used to 🍇 her. She was upset with him at that time over something else, and I'm pretty sure she was considering divorce. Then, like always, everything was magically better between them. But not for me. I was passed. But apparently, me not wanting to talk to him or be around him was disrespectful, and I needed to stop. Fast forward a few months, something else happened between them, and she explicitly said she wanted a divorce. She even asked me if she should, and of course, I said yes. I overheard her talking to someone else about it and ended up hearing some more atrocious shit my father did to her. Then, of course, everything was suddenly sunshine and rainbows between them. Again, I was PISSED. Like, everything that he did during that time shouldn't have been excused, and everything that he used to do should've ended with divorce. I was still upset, obviously. My mom realized it and told me I was disrespectful and asked why I felt so negatively about my father. I told her why, she got upset, told me to "wear a smile," and proceeded to stay upset with me for that entire week. Fast forward a few more months, they're upset with each other again, then, as expected, everything was magically better. After that, I've kinda just been numb to it. They've been doing this since I was a child. Them almost getting a divorce is tradition.

Anyway, a few days ago, my mom got upset over a text I sent her that was lost in translation. I explained it to her, and she proceeded to tell me the reason she didn't believe was because of how disrespectful I am to my father. She started yelling at me about how mean I am to him and why I shouldn't be because he takes care of me and that I'm ungrateful. She said a lot more, but it's irrelevant to this. She then asked me to speak, and I just said I was sorry. If I spoke, everything would've gotten worse. She said she was disappointed that I had nothing to say and hasn't spoken to me since. She said to look back on this conversation when I'm wondering why things are different between us.

She's making it seem like I purposely go out of my way to bully him. I don't. I just don't want to talk to him or be around him. And who would after learning A SLIVER of the mess he's done? And literally a month ago, he told me that I'm possessed by a homosexual spirit and blamed me for that spirit touching him in his sleep. I don't understand why all of that just goes over her head. I'm trying so hard to forget about everything, but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore. My mom and I have always been close, but I think all of that is gone now. I don't think she'll speak to me again. I feel terrible.

Raise your hand if your parents think you can find EVERYTHING relating to school online 🖐️😭. For context, I'm homeschooled. I try to joke about things to deal with it better.

I would love for them to drop that belief. The only reason why they think that is because my sister, someone who doesn't care about school AT ALL, said so. And I found this out because my mother was telling me why she never bought workbooks throughout the entire 7 (or 8) years of us being homeschooled. I told her that what my sister said isn't true, and not to believe something like that from someone who's thinks education is useless. She apologized and actually bought me workbooks and said she plans to buy other ones when she can afford it. So I thought we were done with that. NO. Now I'm expected to figure out how to find and take the SAT with ✨the internet✨. The issue is, yes, I found out how to take it, but it costs way too much, so I won't be able to. And another thing, I didn't even know what the SAT was until last year because my uncle brought it up. I don't know any of the tests highschool students are supposed to take because I NEVER TOOK THEM. The only tests I take are end-of-grade tests. That's it. So now I'm expected to take this random fucking test, why??? I bet they'll forget about it within the next few days. No one is involved with my schooling except me, myself, and I. I've been my own teacher, guidance counselor, and principal. Bitch, I do at all 💅. Like omg.

Seriously though, I don't understand how I stay sane.

He barely speaks to me now, post him deciding to bombard me with his feelings of me being possessed by a homosexual spirit and how much it "hurts" him (like wtf 😭💀). He won't even look at me sometimes. I don't know what the fuck has changed, because he's known about me being gay for an entire year now. But now I'm a demon lmao. Boo 👹👻. It's funny how he notices these "sudden feminine changes" in me but fails to realize I have been hiding my legs. Like omg you don't know anything so stop acting like it. Parent or not, I don't care. He doesn't know me like my mom and sister do. And, what he also fails to realize is I'VE BEEN HOMESCHOOLED SINCE 4TH GRADE. I'm around 2 girls ALL DAY. No friends, no life outside the house, nothing. I wasn't going to be masculine even if I liked girls.

At this point, I'm over it. I'm over Christianity, caring about what my family thinks, and trying to make myself digestible. I hide so much of my queerness from them for my parents' sake so they can sleep at night. I monitered every move I made to make sure it wasn't "too gay." But, clearly, it's not helping much.

Therefore, I'm done. If I have to live with the fact that I share a last name with numerous pedophiles and pedophile advocates on HIS side of the family, then he can live with having a queer son. If I have to go on with my days knowing the atrocious shit he has done, then he can live with having a gay son. Like why the fuck does it bother him so much? I just KNOW he would like it better if I were one of those hideous, evil alpha males.

I went through so much to have a *sliver* of self-acceptance. I refuse to give it up over some bullshit like this. My entire immediate family knows I'm gay now. I know my mom is still struggling with it, but I honestly don't know how to feel about that because she doesn't show it. Like, at all. So, only my dad is taking it horribly. Whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm not hiding myself anymore. If he doesn't like it, oh well 🙂🤷‍♀️. The diva stops for no one 🫦💅. It's always the old ones with bad hygiene that act this way.

Sorry if this is random. I needed to get this out because it's been festering in me all day. And y'all are my closest thing to friends.

For those of you who saw my post about my dad still being homophobic earlier, this is an update I guess.

He confronted me about everything. I tried holding my own but then my mom inserted herself, which threw me off.

They think I'm being attacked by a homosexual spirit. They said they've been attacked by homosexual spirits before as well. They think it's coming from the music and movies I watch, and that I didn't used to be feminine. Apparently I used to walk around with my bible (I have zero memories of this), and I clearly don't do that anymore, so that's apparently a sign of a negative change in me. My dad also said he think the content I consume is the reason why he's been attacked. They both started saying how they're upset that they won't have a legacy and that the family name stops with me, and that it hurts them. Then my mom started talking about how disrespectful I am to my dad, which had nothing to do with anything. My dad said it explicitly that he thinks me being gay is a choice and that he wishes I would choose otherwise. My mom hinted at it. They said that me openly looking at gay stuff is disrespectful to my father because I know he isn't comfortable with it, and that I need to respect his household. And, of course, "We aren't homophobic. We just don't agree with the lifestyle. We aren't scared of gay people."

When my mom joined in, I thought she was coming to defend me, but I was obviously wrong. She's known about me being gay since this time last year. I've never truly felt comfortable, but I always knew if I could talk about it to anyone, it would be her. That feeling isn't there anymore. She's always tried to be encouraging when it comes to me being gay, or so I thought. She was even pushing me to come out to my sister at one point. When I came out to her, she told me her concerns and how she felt, but I was under the impression that she worked through it. All of this hurt me so much. I honestly don't care when it comes to my dad because I knew what to expect. But her??? This woman told me that she knew I was gay because my mannerisms give it away, but now those mannerisms come from a demon? Now the same thing she tried to make me feel comfortable with, apparently since before I came out to her, is demonic?

I'm done. I'm done trying to be myself. I'm done with everything. Recently I've been trying to be more transparent, at my mom's request, ironically, becuause she feels like she doesn't know me anymore, but that's a dream out my reach. If being myself leads to this, then that version doesn't need to see the light of day right now. I find it funny how I was just watching Dead Poets Society last night lol. The only seemingly good thing that came out of this is that my sister knows I'm gay now.

Please don't come out if you aren't 100% sure everything will be fine. It isn't worth it.

I had the music video for Angel Baby by Troye Sivan playing on my TV earlier. The way my room, and the house, is set up, my TV can be seen from the kitchen. I couldn't see him because of where I was sitting. Eventually, I got up because I had to give something to my sis and, behold, there is my father, watching my TV with the most disgusting look on his face. Like, he literally looked like he saw someone disembowel themself. I said hi to him and he responded flatly, which is what he does when something upset him. He knows I'm gay; my mom told him last year despite me telling her not to (It's fine, though). He has a gay cousin (or uncle, or brother. I don't know who that man is to him😭) and, from what I've gathered from stories my mom has told me, he had no issue with him. So, he shouldn't have an issue with me being gay. But here we are. He asked me once if I have a crush on a girl, while knowing I like men. My mom was PISSED lmao. The question was just weird as a whole because I'm homeschooled; the women in my life are my mom and sister 😬🤮. He also raised me as if he was more scared of me being gay than me becoming an incel. Given his track record, that's probably what he wanted😶. His incestuous family is full of pedophiles and pedohile advocates, but he draws the line at queerness. Got it. Makes perfect sense 🙄.

Anyway y'all, life is short. Piss off a homophobe 👍💙.