A letter to Griff
Years ago I started writing an elaborate fanfiction for BF (which back then, I never posted lol) to deal with the absolute trauma and grief this series had given me. Recently I've been revising it, and editing it more, (to post it belatedly) and I reached a specific chapter I wrote back then. (following anime timeline)
Context: Ash survived, and he is now temporarlily staying With Max, Jessica and Michael in LA. Eiji came to visit during Christmas, and he gave Ash a notebook to put whatever comes to his mind in.
After weeks pass, slowly more personal things enter the notebook. Eventually one night, he is up late with Eiji sleeping next to him, and he writes a letter to Griffin.
I liked how the letter came out, so I wanted to share it with you and am very curious to hear what you think, so, here it is:
Griff,
You wouldn't believe who I found.
Actually he found me. Sort of. It's a long story and you'd probably think it was funny that out of every reporter in New York I ended up with Max. I didn't think it was funny at first.
I hated him when I met him.
That part might have been unfair.
He told me what happened in Iraq.
I now know he didn't leave you.
He was looking for you.
I was wrong about him.
You were right, though. He's annoying as hell. I don't know why you liked him.
I live with him right now. Him and Jessica and Michael. You never met Michael. He's eight and he never stops talking. He keeps leaving shit in my room. I own a dinosaur now.
Don't ask.
Max kept some of your writing.
He says you thought it was bad. Some of it was.
Some of it was really good.
I remembered how much you wrote. I remembered the letters. I still remember waiting for them. I used to know when the mail came.
I found one of your notes where you reminded yourself to ask if I finished Bradbury. I did. You never got to ask me.
I read all the time now. You probably knew I would.
I write some too, I guess. Not like you. Mostly notes. Things I read. Things I want to remember. Japanese.
I'm going to Japan.
There is someone. His name is Eiji.
He's Japanese. He used to pole vault. Now he's a photographer. He has terrible survival instincts.
That's not really true. He's braver than almost anyone I know. He just does stupid shit when he thinks somebody needs him.
You would like him.
I think you would.
He stayed.
He knows everything. Or enough. More than I wanted him to. He stayed anyway.
He thinks I'm good.
I don't know what he sees.
Sometimes I think, maybe whatever he sees in me is something you put there.
You were different from me.
You were warm. You made people feel safe. You were patient. You wrote stupid poems and made hot chocolate and knew how to make a house feel like somewhere I wanted to come back to.
I'm not like that.
At least I didn't think I was.
But now Michael comes to me when he needs help with homework. Sometimes when he's scared too. Eiji falls asleep next to me like he doesn't think anything bad can happen there. Shorter trusted me. You did too.
Maybe you were all seeing something I can't.
Or maybe you're all idiots.
I hope it's the first one.
I know about the nightmares now.
I know what Banana Fish did. I didn't know then. I didn't know you were living like that.
I wish I had known.
I know I was a kid. Max keeps telling me that like it changes anything. Maybe it should.
I used to think you couldn't hear me.
Sometimes I talked anyway. Sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I got angry at you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I got angry at you. I'm sorry I left you alone in that room more than I ever ment to, and not only because I was busy. Some days I just couldn't look at what was left of you. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you died.
I know you wouldn't blame me.
That almost makes it worse.
I miss you.
I miss you so much, Griff.
I don't know if you'd be proud of me.
Max says you would.
Eiji would say that too, probably. They're both biased.
I'm trying.
I really am.
I wish you could have met Eiji.
I wish you could see me now.
I love you.