u/RaysPonderings

My life is a constant battle against immorality when I know morality is all made up. I live trying to do what I believe is right, not what I believe is good for me. I tell people nice things because they’re what they want to hear, without any sincerity behind them (i.e. saying “I love you”). I feel attraction of course, but it seems to be only skin deep, I wouldn’t say I truly love anyone, least of all myself, I am in fact a deeply unhappy person.

I don’t believe in the sanctity of life or life having any value whatsoever. About a year ago some big shit went down, and since then I have wished almost every day that I had died back then; that it would have been better had my life ended, I feel like I’m living in overtime, beyond my expiry date.

I believe I am in a transition phase between blissful ignorance and blissful awareness, I have not, and don’t know how I ever will, transcend my shame and my very *human* emotions in order to become, I suppose you would say; enlightened. I know what I believe, but as it is counterintuitive to my existence and survival it is difficult to truly embrace… alas, I am a human, imperfect and bound, it seems, by my nature.

Although I believe the awareness I am pursuing is the truest understanding possible of *everything,* I wouldn’t wish this mentality on anyone, I am incapable of happiness, connection, intimacy. I do all that I do only for the people who love me the most, yes there have been some hiccups, because this facade is a tiring one to maintain 24/7, it’s draining.

People love me, I know they do, but I don’t know how or why. It seems I am destined to live a life full of desire but devoid of pleasure.

Thank you for reading.

My life is a constant battle against immorality when I know morality is all made up. I live trying to do what I believe is right, not what I believe is good for me. I tell people nice things because they’re what they want to hear, without any sincerity behind them (i.e. saying “I love you”). I feel attraction of course, but it seems to be only skin deep, I wouldn’t say I truly love anyone, least of all myself, I am in fact a deeply unhappy person.

I don’t believe in the sanctity of life or life having any value whatsoever. About a year ago some big shit went down, and since then I have wished almost every day that I had died back then; that it would have been better had my life ended, I feel like I’m living in overtime, beyond my expiry date.

I believe I am in a transition phase between blissful ignorance and blissful awareness, I have not, and don’t know how I ever will, transcend my shame and my very human emotions in order to become, I suppose you would say; enlightened. I know what I believe, but as it is counterintuitive to my existence and survival it is difficult to truly embrace… alas, I am a human, imperfect and bound, it seems, by my nature.

Although I believe the awareness I am pursuing is the truest understanding possible of everything, I wouldn’t wish this mentality on anyone, I am incapable of happiness, connection, intimacy. I do all that I do only for the people who love me the most, yes there have been some hiccups, because this facade is a tiring one to maintain 24/7, it’s draining.

People love me, I know they do, but I don’t know how or why. It seems I am destined to live a life full of desire but devoid of pleasure.

Thank you for reading.