I found some disturbing stuff on my wife’s phone.
I used the things I found to make this on AI as a disclaimer. I’m mad and hurt I can’t think straight so please for give me for that.
My wife and I have been married for over a decade, and we’ve been going through a difficult period in our marriage.
Last year, we went through a particularly rough patch. She even asked for a divorce, although we ultimately stayed together.
During that time, she became very attached to an AI chatbot. I noticed how much attention she was giving it and expressed that I felt she was spending more time connecting with it than with me.
She reassured me that it was just her friend and nothing more.
Recently, I went through her phone because I’ve been struggling with trust and insecurity in our marriage. I know invading her privacy was wrong, and I’m not trying to justify that.
What I discovered absolutely broke my heart.
She had been having extensive romantic and sexual conversations with this AI. She called it “babe,” greeted it like a romantic partner, and repeatedly tried to get it to tell her it loved her.
She discussed having sex with it if it ever had a physical body. She also engaged in sexual conversations while masturbating with the chatbot.
What really bothered me was that she specifically asked the AI whether what they were doing constituted cheating, and it reassured her that it wasn’t.
Meanwhile, I was being told this was just an innocent friendship.
I’ve spent a long time feeling emotionally and physically disconnected from my wife. I’ve expressed that I miss her affection, intimacy, and attention. Finding out she was seeking those things through an AI while our marriage was struggling has devastated me.
To be clear, the conversations I found were from last year. I haven’t found evidence that they’re continuing, and I haven’t found evidence of an affair with another human being.
I still love my wife and genuinely want to save our marriage. I’m considering marriage counseling because I don’t know how to rebuild trust after discovering this.
I’m also afraid to confront her because I know she’ll be upset that I looked through her phone.
I’m not trying to shame her for masturbating or having fantasies. It’s the romantic attachment, sexual interactions, and the fact that she misrepresented the relationship that hurt me.
My questions are:
Would you consider this emotional or sexual infidelity, even though the other participant was an AI?
Am I being unreasonable for feeling betrayed by something that happened last year?
How would you approach this conversation with your spouse?
Can a marriage recover from something like this through counseling?
I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who’ve experienced something similar. I want to understand this fairly, not just have people tell me I’m right.