u/Real_Octavia

Tw: Suicide

They never gave me a choice. They lied to me. They never told me about my ambiguous sex, what the surgeries were for, and whenever I tried to express my pain they just told me that I was causing problems for other people. When puberty began my life became a nightmare and I tried to express my feelings but I was always fought against and made to believe that if I went against who I was “supposed to be” or who “God made me to be” I would be destroying the family and losing everyone I love. I was still a kid.

Now I can’t recognize my own body, while it’s strangely feminine for someone who was forced to go through a kinda male puberty it’s painful to see myself in the mirror, to hear my voice, and to know that my body can never be how I thought it was going to be. Everyday I think about how my inability to live fully as myself was taken from me and how I have suffered through so much bullshit because of what was done to me. I wish I had a choice. I hate everything and I sit and cry so often. Hrt has been wonderful but it can only go so far and I hate that I only get to see a fraction of myself. Some times I wish I just >!killed myself!< because so much of who I am was taken from me.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

Trigger Warning: SA, IGM

>!It sucks so much to have been through IGM and a bunch of other emotionally abusive bullshit and having been SAed in the past. My condition and gender stuff has effected everything which sucks and it’s even worse that there is no one in my personal like or who I know who I can talk to who has been though something similar and who can understand or empathize just people who can mentally and conceptually understand or sympathize. It makes me feel so isolated in what I have been through.!<

Does anyone else feel the same?

Although this might get taken down, I just wanted to put my feelings out there. I don’t know anyone else who struggles with this stuff and I feel like only other intersex people can understand possibly.

I don’t fully or truly believe some of the things I say, I am just expressing how I fee and my emotions and such.

Tw: IGM, Sex, mentions of medical and emotional abuse, infertility, mental health issues, etc.

>!I fucking hate that I makes me frustrated and angry and upset. I wish I could be a good person and just be all happy goodie lovey dovey snd just be happy for others but because I’m a piece of shit I have so much fucking bullshit and pent up grief that I can barely fucking think. It so frustrating how can so many people enjoy their body, be themselves, be loved and have sex and enjoy it. I can barely interact with my body without wanting to die or being hurt or in pain because of IGM and so much more. I can’t even recognize my body and gender dysphoria is so bad all the time and I feel so much fucking pain and I get so upset and jealous that other people just get to experience being loved and finding others and having sex and being able to live freely in themselves and their body so fucking straight forward. They don’t have to spend thousands of dollars for surgeries to undo what was done to them and have to go through of therapy just to get a fraction of what everybody else experiences and I can’t ever TRULY get to do what everybody else can. Everybody gets to not have a fucking mental break down or panic attack from doing stuff like going to the fucking bathroom or taking a shower. It’s so goddamn frustrating and isolating and it pisses me off and I hate that it does. I’m so fucking jealous and frustrated that people can just do stuff and enjoy their body and sexuality without having to deal with the fact that their ability to feel, recognize themselves, live in a body that they fit in, and the ability to be fucking loved without having it was ripped from you before you even had a chance to know what was lost. They don’t have to deal with a body that was altered without their consent, have medical records destroyed, deal with the gaslighting, emotional trauma, and abuse. They get to experience living in a body that has never not been straightforward or easy. I hate being angry. I hate being upset. I wanna be able to simply just be happy for others but everyone in my life and it seems the whole world loves romance and love and intimacy and talks about it as if it’s the highest point of living as a human and I’m sitting here having my ability to do the thing that make us human pulled from my arms and people justify it. How the fuck am I just supposed to be ok with it and learn to deal with it. I can’t have kids, I can’t do anything others can and I feel like shit. I’m basically a fuck up that nobody will ever love. So it pisses me off when the world moves on and people get to be in love and experience things that I feel are or are just straight up are impossible for me and I am tired of just pretending it doesn’t fucking hurt. I just want to know that I’m worth loving.!<