r/intersex

Hi everyone, feels good to be posting on here after being a lurker for so long :)

So, I (20M) need some advice on what gender I should select on dating apps. My body looks like a typical perisex trans man's body, however I don't identify as a trans man at all.

I wasn't raised with a consistent gender; not legally, medically, or socially. I was born with ambiguous genitalia and I was AMAB the longest, however I was mistransitioned to female for around three years and underwent SRS/IGM(?) surgery, hence my now more "female" body. Despite my forced medical mistransition, my social transition never followed. I've always been a boy to friends and most family, and I still identify 100% as a man today. This is why I don't call myself a trans man, how can I say I'm transgender when I never really changed my gender at all? I also feel like I don't fit in due to having internal testes instead of ovaries, and XY chromosomes instead of XX.

This raises an issue when it comes to dating apps. To put it plainly, I'm not looking for long term commitments. Most of the relationships I'm looking for are very sexual and casual in nature. As such, I've taken to using the trans man label for my body because it's quick and convenient, but this leads people into believing I have experience living as a girl/woman, and people have asked me to be part of T4T relationships. I feel like I'm invading trans spaces, but I also feel like I can't switch my gender from trans man to cis man without people thinking I have a penis. The first line in my bio mentions that I'm intersex, but people tend to read over it I guess. Unfortunately, the app I use has "intersex" as a separate gender option, so I can't be both intersex and a man...

So, my options seem to be:

1. Continue to use the trans man label, keep turning down those looking for T4T connections, and possibly risk my safety if someone freaks out over me being biologically male

2. Put my gender as a cis man, only for people looking for those with penises to get upset at me

3. Put my gender as intersex and never be recognized as a man

I'm not sure of what poison to pick here. It's 2026, I really wish that apps would let us pick multiple genders 🥲

Hi everyone,

I’m a new dad to a gorgeous 8 month old boy. He was born with ambiguous genitalia (we thought we were having a girl based off ultrasounds when my wife was pregnant) and it took them 5 days to assign a gender. They settled on male after blood tests.

Since then, we’ve been linked in with endocrine and urology teams. He was born with a 46 XY karyotype, has all male parts internal and external (albeit small) and hcg response is good. He also has proximal hypospadias and chordee.

We were told today he has PAIS by the endocrine doctor, something I wasn’t expecting. My wife and I got bloods to run genetics on ourselves to confirm this, so it’ll be a few months before we have a definitive answer but it’s what they’re leaning towards. I’ve been doing a bit of reading about it and it’s been a minefield of differing views/opinions, particularly when it came to puberty.

I want to be the best dad possible to my kid as we navigate this. I thought the best thing to do was to reach out to a community with people who may have similar diagnoses as my kid and see if there’s anything they wish their parents had done differently/were grateful that they did as kids when they were in the same boat.

Thanks for reading.

John

Have you guys had more negative/discriminatory experiences with men or women? In my experience, some men can be jerks, but women tend to be a lot more pushy about things. Any female doctors I've had have dismissed me or ignored pain I was obviously experiencing. The only really good experiences I've had with doctors were with male ones. The bad experiences were all females. I have no idea why. Also, public bathrooms? If I go into the men's bathroom and someone clocks me as a girl, whatever. I get clocked as a guy in the women's restroom? It's over. Security gets called. Almost all my friends are male because they don't care if I'm trans/intersex or whatever. Women end up being awkward/asking invasive questions or just straight up being scared of me.

I feel like I have to masturbate in a specific way for it to be successful and was wondering if anyone also does it the same as I do. I have to use a vibrator and I have to wear underwear while I do it. I also have to spread the skin next to my pp and use the underwear to hold said skin down to let it stick out for me to use the vibrator on it successfully. Sometimes it takes minutes and sometimes it doesn't work at all and it's very weird. I don't get much pleasure from my vulva but I also don't get much pleasure from stroking my pp. If anyone is comfortable sharing I would appreciate it since I've never met anyone that does it in the way that I do.

i found out recently that i am an intersex trans person and it makes sense because i have related to transfems and transmascs. i'm technically both because i'm genderqueer. i have always thought i'm different than other people. i have always felt i'm more transfem. it all makes sense now and seeing this subreddit be so kind and welcoming makes me so happy and secure with myself. it makes me feel seen so thank you guys <3

Mainly at school people will bully me or call me misogynistic because i get muscle cramps similar to how normal females would, the problem however, is i look like a slightly more feminine male, so people constantly think im just making fun of women wehnever i get these cramps, even teacher think it and ive gotten ISS for it, and when my parents are contacted about it they still refuse to believe me even though they know damn well im intersex they think that its impossible since i dont bleed because of it and i only have remnants of a uterus which is slowly "dissolving" (idk how to say it but its becoming less prominent) and everytime this happens, especially because i have a sister, who is also the favorite (i love her dearly, my parents not so much though) they will regularly beat me for it just because i have these cramps and they think im just faking for attention so they want to, in their words, "beat the sexism out of me" or "give me some attention since i want it so much" which obviously said attention is just them beating me.

I have been silent about this for a long time but noticed a growing rise on social media, especially trans related subreddits, TikTok, and in an interview with a trans woman in which they admit they are not intersex but use the label as a way to get a leg up in societal acceptance or for simplicity

And it obviously is not common and it it obviously is not everyone

But It really bothers me because my condition has not been any point of simplicity or any leg up in society for me.

My family treated me horribly, still do, and tried to remove my body parts from a young age, doctors hardly know what to do to help me, and I still am looked at and treated weird like a freak by others...none of this is fun or an easy costume to slip on to get benefits

I once got into an argument with a transgender woman online who claimed it was okay and actually necessary for trans people to consider identifying as intersex in order to get doctors to give them hormones and in order for people to respect them...

And which I was rather empathetic because I do understand the struggle but

Being intersex is NOT a golden ticket nor something that a doctor can just misdiagnose a specific condition with to you just because

It's like if have red hair, you either do or you don't, it isn't something you can self-attribute in a way. Yes you can find out later in life but that's if you find OUT later in life per a specific reason or condition, not just because it's suddenly convenient to appropriate a marginalized group

And yes while there is crossover between intersex and transgender where many intersex people can and do identify as trans, it is not mutually inclusive; being trans doesn't automatically make you "brain intersex so basically you can claim intersex"...which is another thing I have seen on subreddits that I now just have to stay away from for my own sanity's sake.

It also harms both the trans community and the intersex community by pretending these are interchangeable terms, because not only does it water down the unique needs that LGBT activists have built and fought for, but it also confuses the definitions entirely and mixes an experience that just isn't the same. I may never automatically truly know the joys and pains of the life of a transgender person just because I was born with this condition, and they may never automatically know the joys and pains of being intersex just because they are a transgender person

I also saw another conversation in an unrelated YouTube "catching the predator" kind of video, and when the predator was being interviewed, he revealed that he was a man who just happened to crossdress and at one point he justified asking underage girls to see their feminine products by claiming that he was intersex and had both a fully working set of male and female genitalia and thus that he menstruated, although records showed the opposite that he was male identifying with male genitals--and not only did the whole video boil my blood and enrage me, but it made me sick to think that people would use some horribly cheap understanding of intersex, which is already radically misunderstood, as an excuse to appropriate our horribly misunderstood bodies to justify a sickening crime!

And for pete's sake, not even all intersex women do menstruate anyway, so what a cheap and derogatory argument from a sickening person

And don't get me started on the TikTok posts about intersex where there are many comments saying "OMG MPREG/'F*TA' IS REAL...YAOI TIME" or something of the likes, or of people wishing they were intersex for such a reason! The level of misunderstanding....

I've seen so much new takes on the internet from an already poor understanding of what intersex is turn around and make a sheer mockery of the conditions which many of have had to struggle with medically with all of our lives that do pose real and serious life or social implications....it just enrages me

It's even in real life, a girl who bullied me in school (largely because she knew I was intersex when i told her to explain my voice and body) and eventually started to try and copy certain things I did now posted on her TikTok a video explaining how she is a tomboy and its leading her to wonder if shes basically intersex and now she has salmacian-intersex all over all her socials ugh it bothers me a lot...

I mean maybe she's telling the truth but that isn't the point, the point is that I am really disturbed by the rise of borderline mockery of what it is to have an intersex body and grow up with it by turning it into a mere adaptable identity you could just slip on for convenience or cool points

I feel like I have to be silent about this?

Congenital adrenal hyperplasia, non classical. learned of this a few months ago when i went for my first gynecology appointment without being on birth control literally ever.
i came out to my mom as a ten year old because i wanted to be a boy, but i liked feminine things so she talked me out of it. i didnt have the words to describe what i was feeling at that point, which was that i was happy being a girl but felt like i should have a penis (longer than the bottom growth i have from a testosterone high puberty).

i feel very happy as a girl (and as a top lesbian, wondering if that also plays into androgen exposure?) but always wanted a penis and was very frustrated i didn't have one/didn't want to be a boy.

is this a common thing? does anyone else feel like their gender identity lines up with what they were assigned, but their "sex" wasnt?

Hello, I was assigned male at birth and continued identifying as male. I was diagnosed with congenital hypogonadism at around 14 and have had both testicles manually dropped at that time, and have been on testosterone hormonal therapy since 17. I have a medically micro penis, little to no body hair, bigger thighs and butt, and minor gynecomastia. Do I fit the criteria of intersex? If I do consider myself intersex, would I tell people I’m intersex or male? Anyone with same/similar diagnosis?

https://preview.redd.it/t49qpd8hft5h1.jpg?width=864&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d474732394ef61b14d3ae583cdcacb46928fff39

Well, I hope I chose the right name. As the title says, I'd like to look more feminine, but I have a lot of doubts.

I don't want to bore you with my whole life story, but to give you some context, I was born with a medical condition (motor disability, intersex without genitals, XY karyotype; I hope that doesn't affect my posting in this forum). I was raised as a girl and lived happily that way, but I do remember playing with typical girls' toys as a child, but also with boys' toys. As I grew up, reality came into play, and my parents and doctors told me the truth. I decided to be and act like a woman (somewhat masculine, to be honest, but from a masculine woman's perspective) and not take hormones (even though my parents supported me), for many reasons and my own fears (side effects, content from trans people warning about the effects), in addition to my medical condition (it wasn't a doctor's decision, it was a personal one). All my clothes are feminine; I only occasionally buy something masculine, and when I do, it tends to be in feminine colors or very flashy. I feel too old at 31 to consider such extreme changes in my life again. I like being recognized as she/her (I hate when they call me he/his, but I don't say anything, I just put up with it), but as I get older, it's more difficult, or almost impossible, to pass as a woman unless I correct people, and that bothers me a lot. My voice on the phone often sounds feminine, and that gives me a lot of euphoria. Even with some facial hair and without much grooming, I've managed to pass as cis-passing in public. Lately, the idea of ​​hormones has been coming back to me more, more because of society than me, or so I think.

My body is a topic of discussion. I've adapted to it (despite my disability, I don't really know what it's like to live as an adult woman; I'm still stuck in a girl-girl/feminine adolescent mode, so to speak. This doesn't make me too uncomfortable, but it does cause me some doubts). There are certain things about my body that I don't quite like, but overall, I'm 75-80% happy with it (I have very little body hair, mainly on my legs; my arms literally look like a woman's). What I don't like is that sometimes I see other girls on the street and I feel envious of them, wanting to look like them—all Barbies or stereotypical women—or sometimes like other guys. Sometimes I think I fit more into the non-binary or genderfluid category, but I definitely have a tendency towards femininity. I can't choose a completely feminine style because I don't know what it's like to live as a woman, and even though the idea of ​​having some breast tissue doesn't bother me, I'm afraid I'll regret it... (I don't want surgery because of this; I've already been through so much due to my disability that I don't want to risk it with cosmetic procedures. For now, I'm only looking for superficial treatments: laser, external fixation, maybe hormones). And I can't definitely choose the masculine side either, because I feel like I would be giving up a part of myself that I like, and as I grow up I keep losing it, and that gives me a lot of internal dysphoria, not about my body, but sadness.

My face is my problem. I hate taking pictures of myself, I hate mirrors, I think my dysphoria is in my face and not my body. I don't like how time passes and it becomes more and more masculine (I'm afraid of aging like this; I don't want society to perceive me as gay, effeminate, a femboy, or anything like that. I don't really like labels; sometimes I just want to be myself and be treated as feminine). My personality has always tended to be primarily feminine, but as I grow older, certain masculine behaviors appear in me (besides the changes in my face). (I think it's also due to my environment, besides the obvious: my family is all men, and my mother passed away five years ago.) I like some of these behaviors, but others I definitely can't stand.

As a final note: I'm in therapy and receiving psychological support. I have depression, anxiety, and problems with alcohol (I'm working on it). I probably also have ADHD and autism. I never wore makeup as a child, and I find it incredibly tedious to put it on. I never liked styling my hair much as a kid; only my mom did it. When I entered adolescence, I started wanting feminine things, which seemed so strange (because I should have been attracted to masculine things, but it was the other way around). I didn't tell anyone; I just kept it to myself and suppressed it. Now I've just come out for the second time as trans and lesbian, although I'm having doubts (if we can even call it that, even though my family already suspected it). I'm considering laser hair removal for my face and using certain typically feminine products like creams and hygiene products, but I don't see it as enough. I'm not feminine enough for society, and I'm not brave enough to keep questioning hormones, accepting them, or making changes to my hair or makeup. It's too difficult for me, but I do want to look more feminine.

My sexual orientation is mostly towards women, but lately I'm not so sure anymore. I'm starting to find certain men attractive, or I don't know. I should clarify that my lack of genitals and my disability have meant that at 31 I'm still a virgin and literally have zero experience in that area, even though I had a long-distance boyfriend and a couple of online girlfriends. My sexuality isn't about genitals, but about fetishes.

I, a trans man, found out during a hysterectomy I had remnants of wolffian ducts which is not uncommon. However I was also born with mild clitoromegalism at not quite .5 inches and my doctor's growing up told my parents we would keep an eye on it in case things didn't develop as normal but I did get periods without issue and tho I still had a large clitoris it didn't get any bigger till I started testosterone in my 20s. I have never been diagnosed with a DSD condition or labelled intersex but I feel like it could fit but it feels so odd to use the label because my experience is so mild. Am I looking for permission? Maybe? I also know a lot of trans people want the intersex label as well and worry I am just seeking it out and assigning typical experiences as intersex for an explanation for my trans experiences.

i've considered i could be intersex for the past, maybe 5-6 years. mostly just an on and off thinking pattern. and i've had more and more evidence to support it, but as i'm trans masc and been on testosterone for the past 2 and a half years, i feel it's a bit too late to be sure of that.

prior to any doctor visits in the past 3 years, i've always been abnormally hairy. confirmed i had hirtuism by my provider on my pre-t visit. since first menstruation, it's always been increasingly irregular. it first skipped a month after 2 months of starting. over the years, i kept track of how often i had it. 6 times a year, 5 times a year. i would go months, around 3-4 months, without it sometimes until it decided to appear randomly again. sometimes i would bleed heavily, sometimes so light it could be considered spotting. once i have a brief, literally small spotting and thought i started and then it went away! immediately after and never came back for that month. numerous times, i would sometimes have brown discharge that i always passed off as old blood. it often appeared right before my menstruation. once i had it for one week prior to my menstruation before actually bleeding for another week. it was awful. my cycles were somewhere between the shortest of 3 days and (without counting brown discharge) the longest of 8 days. it was never consistent at all. oddly though, i rarely had cramps so that was good. occasionally i did, either long and mildly uncomfortable or painful. terribly so.

i've considered stress ? no. weight ? no factor. it was so confusing. prior to pre-t, it was confirmed my levels of testosterone were already higher than normal and that could've been the underlying cause. my provider even said i could have pcos/pmos, but never confirmed it or gave an official diagnosis. which left me confused. terribly.

moving forward, maybe a year ago, i had a iud that fell out of place (liletta) and they had to do an ultrasound. during that, there was the confirmation that i did not have any ovarian cysts, which was good, but conflicting. i know i don't need to have that to have pmos, but it leaves me feeling. in denial.

i've looked at my labs, my blood tests and it does somewhat look like i could have an insulin resistance, borderline past visit with my hdl being low as 30s with normal triglycerides. i've been doing so much research and yes. it points to i have pmos. i have 2/3 symptoms required and yet. without an official diagnosis i feel i can't trust myself. yes, i self-diagnosed myself with adhd before being officially diagnosed, but that was mental, not physical. i know professionals and doctors could be wrong, but so could i. i just have in mind, if it's not pmos, then what is it? i've always been adamant on labels and essentially just knowing the causes to why i am the way i am. without that, i'm so lost and confused. leaves me feeling like i don't even know myself.

but yeah. didn't mean to rant for this long 😭😭 just had so much on my mind and got carried away. tldr: denial is a bitch to deal with