u/Realistic_Fun6788

hey everyone! i wanna introduce myself but i don’t even fully know what i am yet. i usually see myself as agnostic, but other than that, idk. sometimes i feel like i align a lot with atheism, but other times, i get this weird discomfort around the idea of there being no god at all.

as an agnostic, i don’t really think god can be proven scientifically, so it kinda comes down to faith alone. after deconstructing islam for quite a while, i don’t think i align with its teachings or the values it brings. i feel the same way about other organised religions, so i don’t subscribe to any of them.

but have you guys ever felt scared? like, i know it’s probably just psychological, because humans naturally fear uncertainty, and nobody actually knows what happens after we die. maybe that’s why religion brings comfort to some people. like muslims, christians, or religious people in general might feel happier believing they’ll go to heaven because they believe it exists. and ngl, sometimes i find myself wanting that comfort too.

one of my criticisms of islam is the idea of eternal punishment for a limited amount of “rebellion” on earth. why tf does 60 years of sin = burning forever? it just feels unjust to me. why would god do that? but then my brain goes, “okay, but what if hell is real? what if god actually exists… and he’s just bad?” lol. i know that sounds wild, but i can’t always stop myself from thinking about it.

my life has honestly been better since i stopped stressing over religious obligations and all that, but every once in a while, i still catch myself spiralling over the unknown future of my sad little mortal life. any thoughts?

hi guys. before anything, happy pride to those celebrating. it’s been around two months since i finally made the decision not to care too much about islam anymore. i think all organised religions, especially abrahamic religions, are mostly just a means to control people. so i decided to leave, despite being rather religious in the past. maybe me being gay helped with this realisation, but i doubt it was the only reason since i did go through a ‘gay muslim’ phase where i defended this religion so much.

i think studying abroad played a huge part too. i got a scholarship and managed to get myself out of rural malaysia. being exposed to so many new things and different cultures made it harder for me to make islam make sense anymore. i tried, but i just couldn’t. now that i don’t join usrah, go to the mosque, or memorise the quran anymore, i have more time for my hobbies and friends. honestly, i’m happier this way.

i’m studying in a secular country, and i’ve made friends with many people, including liberal muslims. they accept that i’m gay and that i have a boyfriend. he’s filipino, and we met at a uni weekend party. i fell for him so hard, and my muslim friends accepted him too, so it was never really a big deal. the complicated part is my best friend here. he’s a guy too, and he’s really nice. he’s a huffaz, although he has told me before that he never really liked memorising the quran and that his family has a lot of influence over him. because of that, he can’t see himself ever not being a muslim.

despite being my bestest friend abroad and sharing so many interests, he doesn’t seem to understand that i don’t like islam anymore. i haven’t directly told him that i’ve left, and honestly, i don’t think i need to. i’m happy as i am. but he keeps inviting me to friday prayers, religious gatherings, and tadarus. mind you, this is also someone i go to parties and concerts with. maybe he thinks doing religious things balances everything else out. what really gets to me is that he even went to mecca and prayed that i’d one day change (leave my gayness behind lol), while at the same time being supportive of me and curious about my sex life in broad daylight. i know he probably means well, but it gets annoying. i’m already really critical of religion, and i feel like i’ve made it somewhat obvious to him that i no longer believe in the idea of god presented by organised religion.

idk man, it’s complicated because i genuinely like being friends with him. it’s nice having someone who understands me and accepts me (yes, my family’s homophobic and religious, so it was hell). i just wish he could accept me without always trying to bring islam back into the equation.