u/RedshiftVelocities

I'm M, early 20s. I've never described myself with the term "incel", and I've never held the misogynistic beliefs. On the other hand I've never had any kind of romantic experience either, and I feel a lot of kinship toward the people on this sub.

Even though I greatly desire a romantic connection with another person, I've taken very little action to actually make that happen. The reason behind this is fear. From what I can tell, that's not an uncommon experience, but most people seem to fear rejection. I don't think I do. Instead, I feel like I fear acceptance, connection, and especially the vulnerability required to experience the first two. let me give a specific example:

One of the two times I've asked someone out was towards the end of high school. She was a friend of mine who I'd gradually developed a crush on, and then harbored that crush for months. I liked her for who she was as a person, and I felt that we could be a genuinely compatible couple. I think I could even argue that I was in love with her.

She rejected me. (Kindly, and we even stayed friends for a little while after)

You would think I would be hurt by that, or at least seriously disappointed. But no! My primary emotional response to the rejection was relief! I think that the very notion of actually going on dates was (and still is) such emotionally uncharted waters for me that it was just absolutely terrifying!

I have a small group of friend, both men and women, and I trust a few of them with my life. Nevertheless, I'm so rarely vulnerable with any of them. I've never, for instance, discussed my romantic struggles. I'm only able to do so here because of the distance and anonymity created by the internet.

Y'all are going to tell me that I need therapy, and you're right. But certain things about my current situation make that easier said than done, and I've managed to come to this level of insight without it. So my question is: what else can I do right now? Thank you for any advice you can give me.