I knew this would be the result, but I’m still devastated. I haven’t told anyone. I don’t even know what to say.
I was 3C at diagnosis. Levels 2 & 3 nodes have resolved, but the largest positive node only shrunk by 50%. No change in my tumor size even though my MO kept saying it was smaller and softer to the touch throughout.
I’m just really scared.
TW: illness, cancer, weight fluctuations
First picture was 11/2025, in the best shape of my life, unaware that at 35 years old I had a 3cm aggressive tumor growing in my right breast
Second picture was last week, after five months of intense chemo (I’m 5’2 for reference)
I was told I probably wouldn’t be able to exercise the way I want to during treatment, and to try walking and yoga instead. I was told most women actually gain 10-20 pounds during breast cancer chemo. I was prepared to be a version of myself I don’t recognize.
Yes, all my lifts dropped dramatically. Curls were 20-25lb DBs, now 15lb DBs. OHP was 70lb bar, 35lb DBs, now 20-25lb DBs. I was benching 110lbs but have dropped to very light 60-70lbs because I’m afraid of crushing my chemo port in my chest 😂
Being in good shape didn’t prevent me from getting cancer, but it allowed me to (mostly…) breeze through a difficult chemo regimen. It gave me a foundation of not just strength, but grit, determination, and mental toughness. I’m going to lose more strength when I can’t lift over 5lbs for 8 weeks after surgery, but I’m pretty convinced muscle memory will bring it back quickly.
I had my last chemo yesterday (!!!) and I’m going to use the absolutely insane amount of steroids I’m given (to make my nausea meds work better) to my advantage and go move some weights around. The comeback is always better than the setback, ladies 💛💛
Re: my last post I’m going to ask for a urine culture Monday to be safe 🙂🙂 Just made the ill advised decision to not mention my cloudy pee in favor of getting my drugs
Buttttt I made it! I don’t need to sugarcoat anything to you guys, you know how horrible chemo is. And I’m too in the thick of it still to say “everything happens for a reason” or some other positive crap. Step one of a multiple step plan to not have cancer, done!
My mom got me this cute little bell necklace, because my infusion center doesn’t have a bell (was mixed feelings on whether to ring hypothetical bell anyway). Since I generally am anti pink and ribbons, I think it’s a perfect reminder of my strength without being overtly “breast cancer”
I did wear the sweatshirt she got me though. Was hoping it would get my a free dessert, but alas no such luck.
Genuinely more anxious now than I was the week I was diagnosed. If that’s possible?
I haven’t been feeling great since AC #3. A ton of weird things- super painful sex, cloudy pee, but urination isn’t painful. I think that means I have a UTI, but I’m afraid I won’t get chemo with an infection.
Terrible tingly feelings and weakness/ heaviness in both hands/ arms during the night, which I think is more an orthopedic issue than neuropathy from chemo but again, I don’t want to risk getting a dose reduction. Even though it’s to a point where I can’t sleep. Which is probably contributing to my slightly manic mood.
SUCH BAD JOINT PAIN in my lower body, I’m convinced I have bone mets. 35 going on 85. And I have soreness in my armpit where my positive node was, and while no one has been able to palpate it since like January, I’m convinced it’s growing again. Or I’m so anxious I’m having phantom pain. I don’t even trust myself or my body anymore.
I wish I was one of those people who couldn’t feel their tumor, but she’s still hanging out. I’ve heard so many stories of people who have had a mass post chemo but ended up with a complete response. But I’d probably feel better getting poisoned if I had any indication it was working?
Also why is it “achieving” PCR? Not to be a millennial, but that isn’t very inclusive to those who “didn’t achieve” it. We all still showed up to chemo! I’m too competitive to feel like I didn’t achieve something I had zero control over.
Anyway, I should probably take an Ativan but my bloodline is fulll of addicts and I’m afraid of everything with addictive potential.
Lord just get me to the OR already.
I’m sorry that every time I post on here it’s a negative rant. I promise I’m funny and bubbly in person!!!
I was diagnosed in December. Since then, one close friend bought a house, another got pregnant with baby #2, and my sister just bought a house.
And I’m just here… in my childhood bedroom. Because I got laid off after my diagnosis and had to move back.
I’ve always felt “behind”. I dated an abusive POS from 24-33. Went into credit card debt (that I recently finally paid off) from leaving him. I waitressed full time until 32 and my parents always reminded me how disappointing it was I didn’t have a “real” job. I was just getting my life on track (“career”! Apartment! Amazing boyfriend!) and then poooof. Cancer fairy gifted me stage 3 cancer at 35.
I’m excited and proud of my sister for buying a house. I can’t wait to snuggle my friend’s baby. I’m so happy the people I’m close with have so much excitement in their lives. And I feel like a selfish brat for being unable to be happy for them without also feeling sad for me.
I don’t want to just talk about cancer all the time. But then when I hear the things my friends and sister talk about, I feel like I can’t relate to any of it. I know I’m being impossible. So it makes me isolate. And I also know that’s never once been good for my mental health.
I hate that I have to start from scratch with getting a job and learning a new job after all this trauma. I hate that I can’t afford shit. I hate that I might never have kids.
I hate it hereeeee
Edit: just wanna say thank you all so much. You make me feel so seen in ways the “real world” just doesn’t get. I’m so grateful for this community and this space
I’m in the US, so not sure about availability elsewhere!
My old brow routine emphasized just darkening my brows, so I’ve been playing around with what to do now that I have about five sparse hairs on each brow line.
This stuff is supposed to last a few days. When I tried to remove it 24 hours later because I went a little too think on my first trial, it won’t budge! It’s nice to not have to fill them in every day though.
Any other products you’d recommend, let me know! Doing my makeup (with nowhere to go) has become a calming activity during chemo for me 😂
I thought I would be much more excited about finishing chemo in two weeks and I’m mentally, physically, emotionally more defeated than ever. I just got home from going to my boyfriend’s niece’s soccer game and I need a nap because apparently sitting in a chair and talking to five people is now exhausting.
The year prior to getting cancer I was in a really good place after leaving an abusive relationship and years of financial/ employment instability. Happy new relationship, good job, living on my own for the first time at 35; I couldn’t believe it was my life (in a good way). Now I’m living at my parents, I got laid off and don’t have a job to go back to after cancer and I can’t believe this is my life (in a bad way).
This last round of chemo was incredibly tough but if I say how shitty I feel, everyone around me says I should be grateful it took this long to feel sick. If I say how devastated I am that I still have a palpable lump (albeit smaller) everyone says I need to think positive. If I try to talk about things like going back to work eventually (which I think IS a positive), everyone says I’m getting too ahead of myself. My birthday is two weeks after my last chemo and my mom suggested a weekend away and I said I would rather book an Airbnb for myself only for my birthday and she cried. Oops I forgot that even during cancer treatment, I’m still responsible for managing my narcissistic mom’s feelings!
I’m tired of everything and everyone at this point and I feel like nothing is bringing me any amounts of joy anymore. I just sit with my cats in my childhood bedroom and think about how I look and feel like an egg (round, smooth, hard exterior but absolute mush on the inside). I’m overrrrrr it.
The last 24 hours have taken me for a RIDE and I am so glad I only have to do this once more. If I wasn’t in the midst of literal chemo I would’ve assumed I got a stomach bug because that’s what it felt like.
I get chemo on Fridays, Monday is usually my “worst” day with mild nausea & fatigue. I’ve had very few side effects so far (or I’m lying to myself) and was feeling a little too confident I was going to make it through this whole chemo experience like a champ. I go to get my Neulasta on Monday, lift weights, walk 3 miles, run a couple errands. I feel good!
Monday-Tuesday around 2am, nausea hits me like a truck. Can’t sleep, can’t lay, can’t sit up. Cold sweats. Take zofran. Still throw up. Can barely keep water down. Essentially lay in a pile of misery all day. Start feeling a little better at night and eat a bowl of pasta successfully.
Today, I wake up totally fine. Like that didn’t even happen. Alert and perky, no signs of nausea. What a time. Learned my lesson to make no assumptions about chemo (and to not wait to take zofran until I need it- this was the first time I’ve taken it).
If anyone needs me I’ll be giving myself hemorrhoids from all the anti nausea meds over the last day. Stay strong my friends!