u/Reecethehawk

The owner of the expensive car gets out of his car and says “give me 100,000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!”
The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins do you? Well bring me 100,000 dollars or I’ll beat your dad up!”, the son answers, in a very calm and reassuring way “Okay give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
15 minutes later the son pulls up with a jeep and a man steps out, walks straight up to the bully, and absolutely flattens him, leaving him groaning on the pavement.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad for the last time I train seals. Navy seals. Not dolphins.”

He thinks for a moment as the officer is getting closer and then floors it, 95… 110… 140… Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows down and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.

"You were going a little fast there" the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."

The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a police officer. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the mirror, I thought you were bringing her back!"

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Cristiano Ronaldo?"

"No dramas boss, Ronaldo and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Portugal and knock on Cristiano Ronaldo's door, and Ronaldo says,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a chat!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Ronaldo's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Ronaldo was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"Iron Mike Tyson" his boss quickly retorts.

"Yep," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to New York," and off they go.

When they get there, Tyson spots Dave and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to the gym, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave Iron Mike Tyson's house he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope" his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What the hell has happened here?"

His boss looks up and says, "I couldn't take it anymore... you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, "who the fuck is that up there on the balcony with Dave?"

It was a martial arts match

The first suitor returned after two weeks with hundreds of horse-drawn carriages filled to the brim. He had managed to find one million ping pong balls, and the princess was quite impressed.

The second suitor, determined to win, spent months at sea, returning with a fleet of massive cargo ships. When they docked, they delivered 100 million ping pong balls. The princess was certain he was the winner.

The third suitor didn't show up for a whole year. When he finally arrived, he was bruised, battered, and covered in scratches. He limped up to the throne clutching a single, heavy brown sack.

The princess laughed and said, "What are you doing? My second suitor brought 100 million balls! You're wasting my time with one little bag."

The man looked up, confused and exhausted, and said, "But princess... I thought you said King Kong balls!"