u/ReenReenn

I (F24) got a job as a recent abroad freshgrad in a field that's completely different from my background (science background, work is sales/marketing). I chose to work here to fill in time before continuing master's abroad and try to get a scholarship in my dream uni for the 3rd year in a row

The work itself is fine, and the people in the team are mostly nice, but my direct boss is just not there to guide me through things. I've tried to follow his way of doing things, but it's often just not enough or he thinks my questions are stupid. Apparently it's a recurring thing with him based on what I hear from the older coworkers that's worked under him

It's my 3rd month in this job and I've lost all desire to perform or even work because of this. Already got Surat Peringatan 1 since I keep being 1-5min late to work. These days I just clock in, do the bare minimum necessary things to keep the work going, and spend the rest of the time daydreaming or looking at things that I'm interested in while still trying to look busy

Working here made me realise how out of place I am now to the general culture in Indonesia. Aside from my boss, the constant underlying sense of judgement and conservative way of thinking from other coworkers made me feel even more isolated here. But I also understand that I'm really lucky to have this job with an above-average salary for a freshgrad like me

It also opened a whole can of worms for me, whether I will ever find a place somewhere in the world where I can truly do something that makes me happy, or at least tolerate enough to keep doing

For all my life I have always been told "you're too sensitive", "you lack motivation", "you gotta have the grit and perseverace". And the thing is, I fully understand what they mean, and I can see it too. All the wasted potential that could've been utilized had it been given to a more motivated person

My perspective now in life is I just want to have a good time here, and if I'm not, then I don't think it's worth to keep going

I genuinely respect people who have strong will to live even after facing many adversities. I want to be like them, but after everything, I keep going back to "if anything extreme happens to me or my family that affects my quality of life so much for the rest of my life, I'll just end it all"

I wonder if it's my inherent unbalanced brain chemistry, or lack of motivation or willpower, or a mindset problem, or the sheer privilege I have

So I wanna know what others think. How do you change this mindset? Or how do you keep moving forward? Even just sharing what you think is ok. I want to hear others' perspectives on this

First of all I (24F) apologize karena my ramblings bakal keliatan ga napak tanah for a lot of people here, but I need outside perspectives and reality check

So I'm a biology major freshgrad from Japan uni (taught in English, not Japanese so my Japanese isn't fluent), baru lulus akhir tahun lalu n balik ke Indo sampe sekarang masih pengangguran. Dulu plannya langsung lanjut masters foodtech di Europe (Sweden) tapi ga dapet beasiswa so I decided to go back home first and do a gap year

This year I tried again but instead in Belgium (amongst other countries). Got admitted early but masih nunggu pengumuman beasiswa. Sambil nunggu I figured coba cari kerja disini itung" sebagai plan B, but almost no company wants overseas freshgrad like me except for some export marketing roles. Even then, gaji pada ga sesuai ekspektasi and then the company ghosted me. Now I feel too exhausted to even try to get in the corporate rats race in Indo

Back to that Belgium scholarship, ga dapet juga. I basically broke down with that news (or lack of, really) and feel like such a loser. The tuition itself increased 8x from last year's to ~200jt, belum living cost yang mereka minta masukin di deposit account sebagai jaminan pengajuan visa, juga sekitar 200jt. 400jt for a year diminta upfront semua and that's just for the tuition and bare minimum living cost

My parents said bisa biayain, that I do not need to worry about it as long as I'm serious with the degree and my desire to look for a future abroad, even told me to just consider it as a loan and I can pay back to them slowly overtime so I don't feel like such a burden. Still, I just can't in my good conscience ask them to pay that much money that's basically almost all of their savings after years of working. If an emergency occurs, what will happen when I already took their safety net away?

I feel so ashamed and angry at myself for being so arrogant with all my past decisions. I thought I had it all figured out and can achieve whatever I want, then I thought I've gotten humbled and wisened up enough to actually work for my goal, and now I just feel like a sore loser who fumbled every opportunity by tunnel-visoning so hard

Jujur I know I still have that tunnel vision with the masters in Belgium/Europe hence my current condition, but I just can't seem to let it go, with it being the first goal I really want to achieve and work for in years, maybe first time in my life so far. Dan aku juga udah ngerasa ga cocok banget tinggal di Indonesia setelah ngerasain how freeing it is to live amongst more open-minded people and the general quality of life abroad. I feel so pressured to live according to the norm here, and I feel disgusted with the casual racism, homophobia, religion-pushing happening even within my own friend group and family in here. But I look at the other option and I don't think I'm worth 400mio and debilitating my family's finance for the foreseeable futire

Again, I am so sorry that this whole post is so out of touch with the reality of day-to-day life in Indonesia. I also know that this post isn't specific to topics related to fellow puans, but I just feel safer to spill my guts out in here compared to the main subreddit or other places. My mind has closed itself off from the people I know irl but I know I need to hear what other people think to get out of this headspace. Please, feel free to hit me with the reality check, you can even write it as harsh as you want. And thank you if you managed to read this far