A wound reopened…
I received an email today. It was a letter from my husband. Sometimes he likes to write letters to better express himself. I won’t go into too much detail but he feels guilty and sad. Sad that he sees so many other people close to us having children. Guilty because he feels like he wasted our chance of ever having children.
Two years ago we stopped treatments. Two years ago we began the process of grieving the child we would never have. He never expressed his emotions, but I was always open to hearing what he thought or how he felt about it. The first year was the hardest for me, 3 of our closest friends were pregnant and it felt like such a punch to the gut.
This last year has been easier; less crying, more accepting of what life will be like from now on. Of course days like Mothers and Father’s Day are rough, but I think this year hit him hard. I guess in my own grieving I had not thought much about his.
While I’m glad he felt he could come to me with how he feels now, it feels as if a wound that has barely closed has been torn open again. All the emotions I felt in the beginning are back. My mind can’t stop thinking about the what ifs, I can’t stop crying, and everything just feels empty again.
I know I’m not alone and I’m so grateful I’ve found this sub. I’m not sure why I’m writing this out, but it feels good to express myself while not burdening him.
I told him the pain of grief will never go away, but things will be ok…