Recipient parent planning anonymous donation — what would you want me to do differently?
I'm about to start egg donation in Spain, where donation is anonymous by law. I've been reading here and elsewhere for weeks and I'd value your perspective, including the parts I won't enjoy.
Where I've landed:
- I will tell my child early, before school age, and keep it an ordinary fact rather than a revelation.
- I will never lie about it, and I won't wait to be asked.
- I'm keeping every document — carrier screening, donor phenotype, clinic records — permanently, so the medical information is available to them.
- I won't stand in their way if they want to search as an adult, including through DNA databases. I'll say so.
- I'm asking the clinic for whatever non-identifying information they'll give me, so I have something to hand over.
What I'm not doing: choosing an identity-release country. Partly because the Spanish system is the practical option for me, and partly because I hold a position I know is contested here — that a child's interest in knowing their origins has to be weighed against the donor's interest in the terms she agreed to, and against my family's privacy. I don't think the child's claim automatically outranks everything else. I understand that many of you disagree, and I'd rather hear why than have it left unsaid. I'm also aware this costs my child something they didn't consent to.
Two questions I've been unable to answer from reading:
For those of you who haven't sought out your donor, or don't intend to — how do you think about that? Is it indifference, a settled decision, or something you've had to make peace with?
And separately: do you think of your donor as a parent, or as a different category of person entirely? The language varies a lot and I don't want to assume how my child would frame it.
I'll be honest about why I'm asking. I haven't started treatment. If I can't find a way to do this that I think is fair to the person it creates, I'd rather not do it at all — so I'm asking before, not after.
Given the route I'm considering, what would you want me to do differently, or do in addition? And is there anything you wish your parents had done that I haven't thought of?