r/askadcp

Hi everyone. I hope you're all doing well.

I recently came across this subreddit and decided to share something very personal that's been weighing on me for a long time. I know people here might understand where I'm coming from.

Here's my story.

About seven years ago, two of my closest friends (let's call them Laura, 31, and Milly, 40), who are a couple, decided they wanted to have a child. We talked about it many times, and eventually they asked if I would be willing to be their sperm donor. I happily agreed. We'd been close friends for years and honestly felt more like family than just friends.

They specifically wanted someone they knew, loved, and trusted rather than an anonymous donor. We discussed everything in detail, including the legal side. All the paperwork was officially drawn up to make it clear that I would have no financial, parental, or legal responsibilities toward the child.

Our understanding was that we'd all remain one big extended family. I'd be part of the child's life as their donor/father figure, they would know who I was, and we'd stay close for as long as everyone wanted.

They went through reciprocal IVF using Laura's fertilized egg, and then transferred to Milly, who gave birth to a beautiful little girl about five years ago. Let's call her Cecelia.

At first, everything was exactly as we'd planned. I visited Cecelia often, remained very close with the family, and she seemed to be growing up happy and healthy.

However, things started to change around the little girl's second birthday.

Laura and especially Milly suddenly became much more distant. Every time I asked to visit, there was always some excuse. They had plans, they were busy, it wasn't a good time. Gradually, my visits became less and less frequent.

Another thing that changed was how they referred to me around Cecelia. During her first two years, they called me "Dad" when talking to her. Then, almost overnight, they started calling me by my first name instead.

At first, I didn't take it personally. I understood that becoming parents changes people's priorities. They had less free time, their relationship had entered a completely different stage of life, and naturally their focus was on raising their daughter.

To be clear, I have always accepted that Laura and Milly are Cecelia's parents. I've never questioned that.

But this change was accompanied by other behaviors that felt increasingly possessive.

For example, whenever we'd be with mutual friends and the conversation turned to Cecelia, I started noticing a pattern. At Cecelia' s third birthday party, someone commented that Cecelia had Laura's eyes but my hair color and face shape (honestly, I think she' s taken after me quite a bit too).

Milly immediately looked uncomfortable and insisted that Cecelia also looked like her, saying children change as they grow and things like that.

I completely understand that Milly is Cecelia's mother and naturally wants to feel connected to her. After all, that's one of the reasons they chose reciprocal IVF and why Milly carried the pregnancy. But I felt those reactions were a little extreme considering genetics is simply genetics.

It started feeling as though they wanted to pretend Cecelia didn't have a biological father, even though that had never seemed to be an issue in the beginning.

Over time, they became even more distant. Cecelia had called me "Dad" when she was younger, but after she turned three she also began calling me by my first name, which honestly broke my heart.

By then, I was hardly seeing them anymore. Between the constant excuses and the way they treated me whenever I visited, I started feeling like a stranger in what had once felt like a second home.

At some point, some mutual friends told me that Laura and Milly were going through a rough patch in their relationship. I'm sure that affected our relationship too, although I don't think it should have.

Things reached a breaking point on Cecelia's fourth birthday.

They told me I couldn't come because they were supposedly celebrating at Laura's parents' house in another city. I was disappointed but accepted it.

Still, something didn't feel right. So on the day of the party, I drove past their house just to see if they had actually left.

They hadn't.

The lights were on, I could hear music, and at one point I watched Milly answer the front door to let another guest inside. I was outside watching from a distance.

I was absolutely devastated.

A few days later, I mailed Cecelia's birthday present and sent both Laura and Milly a message explaining that I knew about the party and that I was deeply hurt by the lie.

The gift was returned marked "refused by recipient."

Neither of them ever replied.

I tried calling them several times, but they had blocked my number.

A few months ago, mutual friends told me that Laura and Milly are still having serious problems in their relationship. When I explained everything that had happened between us, every single one of our mutual friends said they thought I'd been treated unfairly.

Now I honestly don't know what to do.

For about the past year I've tried reaching out several times, but it's obvious they've decided they no longer want me in their lives.

I've considered whether I should pursue some kind of legal route just to be able to see Cecelia again, since one of the clauses in our agreement stated that I could have a friendly relationship with her if I wished. But I don't want to force myself into their lives or make things even worse.

My point is I miss my friends. More than that, I miss Cecelia. She was always excited to see me, and we genuinely enjoyed spending time together.

I don't regret helping this couple have a child. I' m proud of Cecelia and I hope she grows up to be a great person. I am only saddened that people who once considered me family could choose to treat me this way without ever giving me a real explanation.

My question is: What's the best way to proceed? Is there anything I can do to fix things without anyone getting hurt?

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this. I tried to keep it as short as I could.

I also hope my experience doesn't discourage anyone from becoming a donor or using a known donor. I'd like to believe situations like mine are extremely rare.

Hello, out of curiosity, are there any DCPs that are fully Asian?

Hi everyone, thank you for your very interesting posts and responses. I hope my question doesn’t appear offensive, it’s sincerely not my intention, I’m only seeking to educate myself. As I read posts from this subreddit as well as donorconceived subreddit, I see that a lot of DCP here feel like they “miss half of their identity”, that “half of me is missing” or “fake”. This defers from my lived experience and from what I read in other sources. Feeling this way implies, it seems to me, that you feel like your donor, even if you never met them, is half of you, that your parent who is also your genetic parent is the other half, and, therefore, that your legal/gestational/raising parent who doesn’t share your DNA is nothing at all, not related at all to you and not any part of you. Am I misinterpreting or misunderstanding? If not, what led you to see things this way?

I don't want to encroach on anyones spaces so I'm sorry if this is the wrong sub. My dad donated sperm almost 35 yeats ago when he was studying abroad, 26 years ago he had me with my mom. Last year I found out I had 11 half siblings from those donations. It was a surprise to be sure but a welcome one, I always asked my parents for siblings as a little kid lol.

Now my question is to the donor children in similar situations, would you want to have contact to the other donor children, let alone the "natural" child (is there a better expression?) that's younger than most and is the only one who lives abroad? My parents suggested that we might visit soon and meet them and I'm just getting anxious at the thought of not fitting in

After IVF to conceive my son, I'm not physically able to carry another pregnancy safely. We have two frozen embryos remaining, and I'm struggling to know what the best choice is.

I love seeing what a fun, cool little kid my son is. I want to give the other embryos that chance, but the last thing I would ever want is for them to grow up feeling unwanted. Surrogacy feels unethical to me for different reasons.

Has anyone been in a situation where there is unlimited contact with the bio family and are geographically close? Shared family vacations, holidays, etc and being open about the donation? And being sure that the adopting family share similar family/parenting values and are financially able to provide for the child, etc.

I feel like this is the only situation I would be comfortable with, until the child is old enough to express the kind of relationship/contact they prefer. Basically like creating an extension to each other's families?

Any insights or perspectives? If it is what's best for the embryos, I would be comfortable donating to research or having the clinic destroy them. But I also don't want to make that decision without fully grasping all options and understanding long term outcomes. Thanks in advance.

Hi all, I just wanted to express my gratitude to this community and the effort that goes into all of your responses and your openness about your experiences. I know every DCP is different and has different experiences but I have learnt so much from engaging with this sub and continue to do so.

After an incredibly tough infertility journey my partner and I were blessed to have an amazing friend offer to be a sperm donor when prior my partner and I had been using anonymous sperm due to feeling like we had no other choice. Changing during this process meant dealing with more stress and bs bureaucratic and highly problematic fertility companies, leading to me making some serious complaints especially regarding their lack of consideration for DCP, but has just reaffirmed our choices. I am hoping deeply from the bottom of my heart that this decision will benefit our child or children in the long run.

Thank you for challenging me, giving me information and being open about your own experiences. Not having a genetic connection to my child has been something that has been so distressing for me but knowing that our children will have access to their history and biology and create the relationship they want with our friend and his family if they so wish is so exciting and I will be eternally grateful for the lessons I learn and continue to learn in this sub.

Thank you ❤️

I’m an asexual woman and not interested in dating or getting married, but I’ve always wanted to have a child.

My best friend happens to be a gay man and I think he has great genes. He’s smart, kind-hearted, good-looking, etc. If I get a sperm donation, I’d rather get it from him than an unknown person who might’ve donated who knows how many times.

I once lightly pitched the idea of getting a sperm donation from him and he was actually very happy about it. In the past, he mentioned that he will probably never have kids in his life because he’s gay and thus it’s not “natural” for him to reproduce. He doesn’t want to have a baby through surrogacy. But it seemed like he loved the idea of becoming a donor for my baby.

If this happens, he will probably be present in my child’s life to a certain extent because I will keep my friendship with him and let my child know that he is their biological father.

The thing is, he has a partner and they might get married. I’m not sure how his partner would feel about him having a biological child with someone else, and moreover, how my child would feel about their biological father not being with me but with his own partner.

What are your thoughts? If we do this, what would be the best way to help my child process this?

First off, I want to preface this by saying I'm still learning, and if anything I say comes across as insensitive or uses the wrong language, please feel free to educate me , that's genuinely why I'm here.

I have a young son who is donor conceived. We've been open with him about it from the start, and our situation is fairly open overall — we used a known donor who is accessible and willing to have a relationship with him as he grows up. We have no idea what this looks relationship will look like yet. We're also aware of three donor siblings across two families, and us parents are in contact. We plan to bring them together when the time feels right, though there are no expectations on anyone. The door is simply open. The donor also has 3 kids who dont know about the donor siblings yet.

My question is about how much we share with the wider world — specifically, other parents and kids his age.

Right now, our close friends and family all know. But when we meet new people — other parents at school, new friends — it's not something we tend to bring up, not because we're embarrassed, but because it's just not a big part of our day-to-day conversation. It's a part of our family's story, but it doesn't define us. That said, if we became genuinely close with someone, I imagine it would come up naturally over time.

What I'm wrestling with is this: kids can be unkind, and I never want him to be in a position where he gets teased because other children know before he's had a chance to decide for himself who he wants to tell. It feels like his story to share when he's ready.

I've witnessed two sides of the coin. Families who don't even tell some of their family and some RPs who tell people openly from day one.

For those of you who are donor conceived — especially thinking back to when you were young — how did it feel when people around you knew? Did you wish your parents had kept it more private until you were old enough to decide who to tell? Or did openness feel positive and normalising? And is there a point at which you felt like it was yours to own and share on your own terms?

I'd really love to hear from adults who've lived this. Thank you in advance.

I (33F) am freezing embryos with a close friend of mine (30M), who I’ve known for 2 years and lived with for 1.

We are both going our separate ways, as we got jobs in different parts of the country (both 1-2 year contracts so future location is flexible).

My donor is someone I respect and trust fully. He is just not one for romantic relationships (has been single since high school), so romance was never on the table. I am divorced and I chose to spend the last few years healing emotionally and setting myself up to become a secure single mother, rather than rushing into another relationship for the sake of having kids. I have wanted nothing more than to be a mom my entire life.

I personally couldn’t get comfortable with the idea of an anonymous sperm donor, so I’m really grateful that my friend stepped up and offered to be my donor. Since my own father was not very present during my childhood (in the picture but traveled for work and was rarely home), I have felt very worried about not giving my child a dad.

My friend is good with kids, and he’s expressed interest in having contact with any child that may result from the embryos. Initially I imagined that my future kids would only see him infrequently and contact him when they had questions. But recently, he asked if he could have them during summers. My line of work is very demanding over summers, so practically I would be relying on childcare a lot during this time of year anyway. And he teaches so he has summers off.

I realize this type of arrangement would cross from a known donor more into coparenting territory. I have over a year before I’ll even consider getting pregnant to think through everything and follow up with all the legal processes, etc. I’m just curious from a DCP perspective, if you have any thoughts or feelings on which would be less damaging/disorienting between having a donor who is more distantly involved vs a dad who is not in a relationship with your mom and also lives in a different place but you get to spend more time with.

I recognize that there are lots of risks with both and that my relationship to the donor may evolve with time as well. Just trying to make the best decision I can. Thank you for reading my essay and for your input!

My husband and I are starting the process of using donor sperm for ivf. Im wondering what are the things you wish you had thought about or think most people don't think about when using a donor? What's the bad side of using donor sperm? Im doing what ifs over here and just want to see all sides. Thank you in advance.

I recently listened to an epidode of the podcast You Look Like Me, and they commented about the influence of the donor's wife on communications between the donor and DCP.

Can any DCP comment on what their experiences have been like.