I have posted this before in r/cats but figured you all would like it as well.
Been a while since I’ve posted here. My son, who will be 5 in November, is a smart, bright, funny, spirited, usually kind-hearted kid. He is pretty well-behaved at home and out and about with us. He has typical bad days befitting of a 4 year old, but despite his strong opinions and personality, I do not consider him the “strong-willed child” who we cannot manage.
That said: We have had daycare saga after daycare saga with him. The inverse of what I often hear, he is good at home, and then goes to daycare and acts like a monster. He was in a much larger daycare until age 3 and got kicked out, essentially, because of consistent bad behavior that just would not improve no matter what we tried. We moved him to a smaller daycare and he did so much better, until a week ago. Every single day has been awful. Hitting friends, hitting teachers, pulling hair, screaming, talking back. Today we were asked to pick him up early because it was just one thing after another. I am terrified he is going to get kicked out yet again. And because of when his birthday falls, we have over a year before he starts school.
Not only is he not allowed to act this way at home, he just DOESN’T act this way at home. So we go home and try to correct it, but it is all theoretical. At this daycare and his old daycare, we’ve tried talking about using our words instead of our hands when we are upset. We’ve talked about walking away, and taking deep breaths, and what we can say to our friends and teachers when we’re feeling like we’re so upset we want to lash out. We’ve talked about the golden rule and thinking about how others feel when he is mean, or how he would feel if they treated him the way he is treating them. We’ve tried reading books on the subject. We’ve watched Sesame Street skits (and they seem to work, to an extent—he quotes often the Fly Little Firefly, Fly skit and how we have to think about how fireflies feel in a jar, but then, I don’t know if he is applying that philosophy further.) We’ve tried playing with him with toys and acting out situations that make him upset at daycare (friends not sharing, him not wanting to share, having to stop something that is fun). We’ve tried a reward system for good days (you get a sticker on your chart for a good day and when you fill up your chart you get a toy). We’ve tried consequences like confiscation of toys that remain in “time out” until he acts kind at daycare. We have pep talks right before he walks into daycare in the mornings (“How are we going to act today? What are we NOT going to do today? What do we do if someone makes us upset?”) Nothing. Works. Then he comes home… and he’s fine.
I will say what predicates this bout of bad behavior for him seems to be an upset in his routine. There has been an influx of kids with the start of summer break. The staff who usually cooks for the daycare was on vacation last week, so his teacher took on that role and his class was bounced between other teachers in her stead. His teacher is on vacation this week so the bouncing continues. The daycare director has noted that several kids have had trouble with this upset in routine, but understanding why he is acting this way he is doesn’t make it OK that is he acting this way. Especially with his background of a downward behavioral spiral at his old daycare, I am so scared that his current daycare is going to be scorched earth when his beloved teacher does return.
To that, I am sympathetic because I was an anxious kid myself… for some reason, computer lab made me so anxious that I would feel that immediate spike in anxiety every time we went to the computer lab. I know what it’s like to associate a place with bad feelings and keep having bad feelings there because of it. But my bad feelings were just anxiety and tearfulness, not anxiety and aggression. So I understand what may be happening in his head, but also understand he needs to find a way to cope with it.
I guess I’m just looking not for advice, but for tale of similar experiences that turned out WELL in the end, because I’m feeling hopeless. Did you have a kid who struggled in their younger years at school/daycare but turned out fine? Please tell me.