what no one tells you about your hoe phase
“Slay girl! Go get what you want!”
This is what some people would tell me. And for a long time, I thought I did know what I want. I was in a hoe phase for 4 years, after all.
I’m now in my early 30s. And in those 4 years, what have I learned from my hoe phase?
I learned how to write an eye-catching post on the PH hookup subreddit. I learned where to buy affordable lingerie online. I learned men actually liked the body I thought was ugly for years. I learned how to quickly discard people and to feel ok after being discarded myself. I learned my favorite part about sex was the tension before the clothes come off, and the kissing. I learned it all ended more quickly if I pretended to cum.
What I didn’t know I learned until much later: that I became convinced I was only as good as the sex I gave.
After a healthier/more wholesome dating experience, much heartbreak, and lots of therapy, I was forced to confront things: my anxious attachment. My consistent self-doubt. It had all come from a low sense of self-worth since childhood. Oh, I also was diagnosed with ADHD at 29 so there’s that too lol.
I believed I turned to hookups out of ‘boredom’ but it was actually far from that. In reality, I had internalized that my personality and looks alone weren’t enough for anyone. I would chase the dopamine hit brought on by the feeling of being desired. Forget the slow burn of a normal date—hookups were fast and they were easy. I did it over and over again even when my gut said no. And yet despite it all, this was my subconscious hope every time: “Maybe if they have sex with me and I show how much I want it, they will eventually love me.”
The last time I had a one night stand was one year ago. And just last month I had my heart broken by someone I dated intentionally for a few months, a man who saw me beyond my body. I wanted to keep him more than anyone I have ever dated.
I am still reeling from that heartbreak. But I would rather carry this pain from grief of loving than continue the cycle of sleeping around to numb the pain of loneliness. I am honestly so proud of myself for finally realizing it.
Today, I am continuously learning that I am enough as I am. I still do not completely believe it, honestly. But it is in closer reach now. Little by little. After all, love does take time.