two years today
i hate this actually. i thought i was making a good decision to choose to stop, and i probably did, but i dont feel like it. i have gotten clean from so many things, this particular anniversary for opiates. and i should be happy, but im not. i feel as if i have a gaping hole in my chest.
for a very abridged story, i have aspd. and ive always used because it makes me feel like a human being, because im bored, because i feel empty, because life is easier for me when im nodding. i had a medical emergency in 2023 that led to an overprescription of codeine and it all just spiralled from there.
currently im waiting to go to work for a shift and all thats on my mind is the pharmacies nearby that i can get stuff from again. they stopped selling to me at the height of my addiction, but theyve probably forgotten my face by now.
i never wanted to think i could struggle with something like this. that i was one bad choice away from throwing everything down the drain. but here i am and its getting harder and harder not to do it to myself all over again.
ive only told a few people i trust about this date and theyre all congratulating me. i cant tell them how much i want to rip my fucking throat out, jump in front of a car, stab myself in the chest, gouge my eyes out so i can go back to hospital and get one more shot of morphine and not have to call it a relapse.
im sober. and i miss it badly.