Does this count as genderfluid? I would think not, so what is actually going on with me?
So I came here to ask you all for advice on whether my recent feelings count as genderfluid. Now I’m going to guess not, but I’m really just hoping that you all will be able to connect it to something else, or at least just explain what is going on because my brain will not let go of this.
To start off, I’m a guy. I was born a guy and have felt so all my life. Very late last year I sort of started my queer journey as a person when I came out as bi to a few friends, and later abro (so I already have some minor experience with all of this changing stuff). From then to now, I’ve noticed myself intermittently feeling a lot more fem than normal which I found odd, but went with it and enjoyed it. Now the thing is, I definitely don’t feel fem all the time. I can explain it like this: When I’m in school, with those friends, having to manage work and talking to certain people, I’m at the default, which I would think is feeling more masc. On the weekends when I’m away from school and with my other friends (who are much more accepting than the people in my school) I gradually start to feel a lot more fem. This has been an on and off thing for a while stretching from January to June, but now I’m on summer break. I’ve been away from school for weeks. Because of this the same thing has been happening where how fem I feel as been building … and yesterday it… popped? Essentially what happened is that I randomly started thinking about something that sort of stressed me out (Sort of related to identity, but it isn’t actually important), and my OCD didn’t like this which caused me to overthink about it, and all feelings of femininity to float away at that moment… I was genuinely confused. I felt like I had just gone back to the “default”, but it actually made me question this time what the default is because I sort of just felt nothing for the next 2 hours. Now it's the morning, and I’ve found myself actually sort of longing to feel that femininity again, but it's not really the same and it just doesn’t feel right, right now. It's sort of like I want the dopamine and feeling that comes with being cute, but I have no want or motivation to do it.
Anywayyss.. This finally got me seriously thinking about gender identities, and what all of this means in relation to it. First realization: I don’t think I’d ever want to be a girl?? The she/her pronouns just feel so wrong, and I don’t think they fit me at all, despite this weird experience I’ve been having with femininity. I mean I know that gender expression is different than gender identity, but what does it mean that I’m having the same kind of ebb and flow of masc to fem feelings when I don’t want to change my identity? Is that normal? A similar thing applies to they/them pronouns. I don’t think I’ll ever not be a guy, it just feels completely wrong.
So if I’m not genderfluid, what is with these weird sudden changes I feel with how masc or fem I feel??? It always makes me question if I was just pretending to feel it before and it's so annoying (Same thing applies with me being abro, I spend way too much time thinking about these things). So really; am I just cis? Genderfluid? Agender even? I don’t really understand gender identity, or what it feels like. I think the the cis people I know just consider their identity as what feels normal, and the default. Not overly masc or overly fem, just what has always been normal, but I feel like something is off with me. I mean, if I sit in my room too long I sometimes start to feel fem, but if my parents come in to talk to me I immediately start to feel a lot more masculine. I’ve spent at least 2 hours contemplating, I think I just want answers even though it's not that easy. Thanks for any help!