There Is Always a Bigger Fish
ok so i'm writing this from my throwaway bc my main has my art and i don't need weirdos. but i HAVE to tell this story before i forget.
so we have this roll20 group right? dm alex, me (lyra, elf cleric), my friend mira (tiefling wizard), and this dude... let's call him chad. human barbarian. big surprise.
from session zero chad was like "i'm the alpha" unironically. kept making jokes about how he'll "put a baby in one of you girls" and "you need a real man to carry on your elf genes" and shit. mira and i just... ignored it? like we didn't wanna make it weird. dm alex never said anything either.
anyway.
one session we're in this "temple of pleasures" (dm's words). chad is already like "i roll to seduce the hottest priestess" before alex finishes describing the room. alex says "ok but first everyone make a con save". we all fail. blackout.
we wake up. alex says "you don't remember what happened. maybe... intimate stuff with the clergy."
chad immediately LOSES it in vc. "HAHA I KNEW IT I TOTALLY BANGED LYRA AND MIRA" - i swear to god. mira types "????????". i just sat there.
alex goes "actually chad your character doesn't remember either. the priests were all nonbinary and very skilled. could be them."
chad: "whatever i still banged the sexiest priestess there"
alex: "there were no priestesses. but anyway. one of the characters is now pregnant."
silence.
chad: "called it! which one of the girls?"
alex: "the pregnant one is your barbarian."
i wish you could have seen his face on camera. like his brain just... blue screen.
chad: "my guy is a DUDE"
alex: "magic temple. divine conception. it happens. you'll get a baby bump in a few sessions."
chad laughed it off like "haha good one alex" but alex wasn't laughing.
next session: "-2 con saves, you feel nauseous." session after: "your belt is tight. your abs look... softer." session after THAT: "you waddle slightly. speed -5ft."
chad finally snaps: "ok this isn't funny anymore. remove the debuffs."
alex, calm as hell: "but you agreed to get pregnant. you literally cheered."
chad: "I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING"
alex: "in a world with dragons? male pregnancy is the least weird thing. you rolled to seduce. you didn't ask who you were seducing."
chad just... disconnected. we heard him scream through his mic for like half a second and then silence.
mira and i looked at each other and both FELL off our chairs. i was laughing so hard i choked. mira spilled her monster energy all over her keyboard. we laughed for like ten minutes straight.
then alex typed in chat: "sorry. i have an mpreg fetish. couldn't help myself. i'll tone it down next campaign."
we're still looking for a new dm. but honestly? chad deserved it.
- lyra (not my real name, please don't dm me about mpreg i swear to god)