No idea if autistic or not. Freaking out.
I am completely confused and overwhelmed. I have gone from sort of positive to totally confused. And I have no idea whatsoever if I am or could be autistic. Not knowing has taken over my thoughts, I can’t do anything as it is all I am thinking about. I have done no work.
Background: 33f. Always been anxious. Diagnosed ptsd after got very bad 6 years ago and I couldn’t do anything/ hurt myself/ didn’t function. First time I’d spoken about mental health to drs. Anti depressants and beta blockers - still taking.
Jan 26, things better, still anxious, but have full time job and love my partner- would like a baby. Went to gp re medication and interactions. I was nervous - new person/ situation. Well gp was ‘worried about capacity’ and my notes say she thinks I am ‘severely acutely disabled’ in some scenarios. Psychiatrist for medication. Back to gp. Referred for autism assessment.
drs appointment so stressful any time, admitting I’d like a child=more stressful. Couldn’t speak so gave her my written speaking points. We have digital doctors notes so I check what she writes about me - she is worried I couldn’t go to appointments, don’t make eye contact, sit in a hunched position and fidget. She said that she questions if I could handle being pregnant or a parent, and that medical staff might raise concerns because being anxious can be interpreted as not engaging.
Is something I have considered for a long time, partner is convinced I am. Head of my work team assumed I am (asked her if she assumed and why she always knew what would make me overwhelmed when I didn’t myself, she said yes, assumed I am autistic, is aware what would stress her autistic family and noticed stresses me so then applies to future also).
I have no idea if I am autistic. I am freaking out. What if I have made myself appear autistic to them by accident and I’m not? I have no clue if I was just being genuine self at appointments or not. I cannot stop thinking about it. I am getting no work done. I don’t want to be assessed if I’m not. I don’t know if I want to be assessed if I am. But I do need to know.
I know anxiety does not equal autism and more than that. That is why I am freaking out. As I have no idea if other bits align.
- yes, some issues with noise and being touched by others, but not disabling
- yes, strong hobbies (anything crafty, pottery, bread, dogs)
- no friends, but partner with adhd
- bad at having conversations, would never think to text someone
- obsess over thoughts but also ideas and people
- often avoid eye contact, told sometimes too much though, can do it if need to be normal
- have a job, stayed same place
- convinced others don’t like me, issues with previous manager
- routine (get up, dog walk, coffee, work or hobby, dinner, dog walk, lounge, bed)
- don’t like change (of managers, of people, of where I have to sit, of what to do)
- I don’t stand out, not sure if would always come across as different e.g. I can say hello to people with my dog
- I can do things if I really want to (transport, crowds)
- am I just anti social and rigid
- I fidget and pick, but I can stop
- I can talk to people if needed
- eat most food, just prefer the same
- can be sarcastic
- don’t make jokes/ often get don’t understand