21F confused about my relationship with my father (50M) after discovering things about him
I’m struggling to process a very complicated situation involving my father and my family dynamics, and I’d like some outside perspectives.
My father has always been a caring and supportive parent toward me. Growing up, he provided everything I needed, was emotionally present in many ways, and treated me with a lot of affection and care. At the same time, he has habits that have affected our family negatively for years — daily drinking, smoking, staying out late at night, and emotionally distancing himself from the family.
Recently, while I was home from college, my mother discovered that he had been using “friend/chat” apps where he was paying for subscriptions and talking privately with women. When confronted, he claimed the conversations were harmless, but it deeply hurt my mother and created a lot of distrust within the family.
Seeing my mother cry over this has been emotionally overwhelming for me.
To make things more complicated, there are also older memories that I never fully processed. Years ago, I sometimes felt uncomfortable about certain physical interactions with him, but because he was my father and otherwise loving and caring, I convinced myself not to think too deeply about it. I also remember accidentally coming across explicit content on his phone when I was much younger.
Now, all these experiences are colliding in my mind and creating a lot of confusion. I feel anger, disappointment, disgust, sadness, guilt for feeling those things, and also empathy for him at the same time.
What confuses me most is that after these issues came to light, he appeared genuinely shaken. My mother spoke to him about how his past behavior affected me, and he apologized. Since then, his behavior has noticeably changed — he has been calmer, more emotional, trying to avoid drinking, waking up early, and acting unusually withdrawn and regretful. Even people outside the family have commented that he seems emotionally affected.
I don’t know how to reconcile these two versions of someone:
- the caring father who loved and supported me deeply,
- and the person whose actions caused pain, discomfort, and emotional damage within the family.
Has anyone experienced similarly conflicting emotions toward a parent? How do you process love, disappointment, anger, empathy, and grief toward the same person at once?