How to move forward after sexual abuse
My husband (28) and I (28) have been together for 10 years, married for 8. We were believers when we met but walked away from the faith after some “church hurt,” we were trying to figure out. I was sexually assaulted before we got together, and he knew this, even cried with me over it. Our sex life was never great- very active but completely catered to him because that’s the only exposure to sex that we had had- very catered to male gratification. When we got pregnant with our 3rd, I was unable to have sex due to some complications and extreme pain. I offered him other forms of intimacy, which he declined. He ended up raping me and we almost got divorced over it. This was 5 years ago, and we had done a lot of healing ( yes, therapy in various forms) to where sex was wholesome and fair to both parties. A place in our relationship I didn’t think we could get to. We even rededicated our lives to the Lord and were baptized together. Things were so much better.
However, we had our 5th last year and he sexually assaulted me again. It was a traumatic pregnancy where I was hospitalized a big portion of it, with many surgeries, and our baby ended up in the NICU. The assault happened when I was pretty freshly postpartum.
Since then we have tried counseling, mentoring, etc. Our church knows and they were very supportive of divorce if I wanted that. I did not have the resources to do so at the time and we stayed together.
He has finally started becoming a true man of God and has made so many steps and improvement in life, but I feel like I cannot move forward. I know it’s been a year (we even had another baby), but I feel no physical attraction towards him, or desire. I can barely handle him touching me in non sexual ways- hand holding, hugs, etc. It genuinely makes me ill. The sex we’ve had, which is already rare, is awful. I feel like I am betraying my body and I can barely participate. I feel like now that I am out of fight or flight and traumatized mode, my body and heart are just done. I am so glad he’s becoming an amazing man of God but I’m just so shut down.
I know I am biblically supposed to have sex with him but it feels like a betrayal of my autonomy and every time cements more and more that I hate it. I know that the Bible says if I withhold sex, it’s a sin, and I don’t want to do that but I cannot handle sex with him. Is divorce the only option? How could I even go about healing? I don’t want to sin or cause him to stumble by withholding but I have genuine panic and nausea at the idea of being with him. I prayed for so long for this better version of him but now that he’s becoming that, it feels like too late.
Note: We get a lot of crap for being young and with 6 kids. We have had different birth control methods fail. I am in individual therapy and so is he. We took a break from couples therapy due to finances. I am also AuDhd so physical stuff can be really complicated for me already.