I feel guilt for hating my sibling with BPD
We had a difficult time growing up. I was very mentally ill as a teenager, I was abused at school by my peers and my mum was verbally abusive to both me and my sibling.
I was diagnosed with PTSD back then from what I experienced and both me and my sibling were in and out of therapy at various stages.
Eventually university got me out of town and away and I did a lot better. Though I had therapy I definitely struggled with my PTSD a lot still and probably needed to be medicated and wasn't. My sibling being younger dealt with our mum for longer.
Eventually she ran away from home with a guy and I'd see her very rarely.
It wasn't until after COVID how badly they were doing came out. They did a lot of self harming and drinking to cope and eventually after having a baby and the guy leaving them they started to try to commit suicide frequently. Me and my partner supported them a lot.
It has been so many times that I have completely lost count but it was at its worst over the last couple years with at least one attempt every couple months.
One time I found them in the bathtub having had an overdose and cut their feet to bleed out. The ambulance crew told me I saved their life. We went no contact for a few months after that and I had therapy. Then nan died and my sibling was back in my life. They were still very unstable and I found myself trying to support them again. They couldn't stop destabilizing themselves by dating and drinking too much. They tried to kill themselves multiple times again.
But in April they failed again, went home untreated from a and e. They insisted they didn't need treatment they just needed to rest. I didn't believe them and sent an ambulance. They were annoyed and turned the crew away refusing to go with them.
Two days later they were in hospital with organ failure. I said goodbye to them and they were sent to a specialist hospital, it was very unlikely they would survive.
When they did survive I felt awful because I wish they hadn't. They've given themselves a brain injury and partial blindness from the side effects. It's been months of recovery and they are getting better. They are still my sibling inside even with confusion and cognitive changes.
I've been visiting them in hospital, but the visits are getting less frequent now as I just find the more they recover the more I want nothing to do with them. I feel like an awful person, but life would be better without them. Alive or dead.
I wish I could feel differently I've been carrying it a lot. I've had frank conversations with my dad and partner about it, and they understand why I feel this way..but I still feel like I'm failing them by not being able to forgive them.
Logically I know it's not their fault and they were suffering but there's only so much I can put up with. I don't know if anyone here has gone through something similar but it's hard to know where to go from here. I seriously consider going no contact again but feel like I'd be abandoning them and bad for wanting to.