u/Responsible_Can4808

I feel like im a burden, I genuinely do

Im 16 and i feel like my whole life ive been absolutely nothing

I hurt myself and hurt people I care about in the process I cant even help it its like im a ticking time bomb that could explode anytime all because I think people are going to leave me and it varies on whether id yell and scream or push away people and try get them to leave me

I got told by a psychiatrist last week that I have symptoms of extreme emotional dysregulation and disassociative symptoms and I have no certain diagnosis due to it being my first session, I just want to know whats wrong with me

Ive let people use me whether it would be as a punching bad, a void to let out and scream everything out to and for my body but I still cant find anything to live for

And my stupid emotions eat me whole I dont even know who I am because all I do is take my closest persons personality and abide to what they want

I let them break my boundaries I let them use me financially I let them use me entirely and I still feel like no one loves me

I dont even believe my family when they say they care about me because ever since I was a kid theyve yelled at and hit me for crying but all of a sudden they care now

Like where was the enthusiasm for this when I was 6

I just want all of this to be over I just want someone to love me

My bestfriend says he loves me but I refuse to believe that knowing how abusive I can get

All I am is an addicted freak who cant do dogcrap with their grades or hobbies, and all I can do is be a terrible person

For context, I'm currently 16 and have been going to counselling since last year. Early Feb I got referred to the psychiatric department and I'm unsure how to go about the first session. So far, when my parent brought me to the place it was quite intimidating.. As I got registered, a nurse brought me to this secure room to ask me a few questions relating with self injury and how Ive been. I was scared and lied about a few things, until she grabbed my arm and checked my scars . I dont really know how to feel, but afterwards I got registered to meet a genuine doctor in 1-3 months. Does anybody have any advice for me or experience? As well as how the doctors are like in the hospital? Thank you!