How do I handle the fallout and guilt of keeping my mum’s dangerous husband cut off?
I (43M) am looking for some perspective and advice from anyone who has had to navigate a low-contact or estranged relationship with a parent due to a dangerous partner.
My sister completely cut ties ten years ago. I live 200 miles away with my wife and two kids (9 and 14). My mum (67F) is married to a man (58M) who has spent the last 25 years systematically isolating her, controlling her, and convincing her she is disabled and helpless. He is dangerous and abusive.
Over the years, his behaviour has been extreme. He attempted to sexually assault my sister when she was under 18, and again later as an adult. He used to prevent my mum from visiting me by forcing her to leave her dog behind, threatening to kill the animal if she did not return on time. He is into QAnon (despite being British) and wears highly offensive, racist clothing around my children. He also keeps a collection of replica BB guns and hunting knives. He pointed one of the guns at one of my children while they were being breastfed.
My mum does not use mobile phones, texts, or email, so our only communication is via landline. I call once a month and keep the conversation light. Updates on what’s been happening, fairly bland conversations, keep the calls brief.
We have not visited them in a year. Recently on a call, my mum asked when we are coming down next. When I tried to compromise in by suggesting a public meeting away from their house, she went to ask his permission, and I could hear him in the background screaming and swearing at her.
Obviously, I am never bringing my children near this man again. But because she is trapped in this coercive control dynamic, any boundaries I set are intercepted by him, and she is the one who bears the brunt of his anger.
How do you handle the guilt of leaving a parent in that environment, knowing she is a victim? If you have had to maintain this kind of hard boundary through a single, controlled phone line, how do you handle the pressure when they demand to know why you won't visit or give up your address?
Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.