I feel helpless
I first watched porn when I was in 3rd grade. I’m not even sure why I got the urge to, I can really remember. I just remember being afraid and ashamed while I did watched it and when I got caught. I’m 19 now, and since then there hasn’t been more than a month in my life where I haven’t masturbated or viewed pornographic material. I feel beyond lost. I present myself as a Christian to others but I know deep down I’m headed away from God. I’ve viewed probably every fantasy you can think of. Family stuff, cheating, any of that sort of thing. It’s caused me to have a lot of insecurity and envy. I’ve been dating my girlfriend since freshman year of high school and she sort of knows. Just not to the extent of it. I can honestly look back on my life and see how much it destroyed it. My grades could have been better, my social life, spiritual life, athletic career. More recently I’ve gotten hooked on Ai porn fantasy. Texting with bots and creating fantasy. It’s completely ruined my life. I originally downloaded this app to feed my addiction, so I thought I would write out everything I’m too afraid to tell someone. If I ever did, I have no doubt that my friends would look at me different and my girlfriend would break up with me. I never cheated with another woman or anything, but my fantasy’s and the way I view other women is horrible. I know this is super long and it’s my first ever post. I just wanted somewhere to write it all down. I know it all starts with Christ, I just can’t seem to ever shake it.