u/Revolutionnnn6969

i had finally decided to move on. this was my 5th attempt, and i did not feel like doing this anymore. i gave it everything i had for june cycle—i made notes and studied all day, didnt go out of the house, almost stopped taking calls from my boyfriend and friends. boyfriend and i had so many fights because of how unsustainable the relationship became when i refused to call him while being on long distance and not being able to meet since january. my friends slowly stopped calling me to hang out with them because i would always say no. the only close friend i have left is the one who prepared for upsc. we would talk hours on call and discuss studies. she taught me so much, especially maths, reasoning and indian and western logic (she is a philosophy student).

after my exam in june, i had completely stopped looking at net. i finally decided ive been chasing this too long, and decided i was gonna sit for bank/insurance exams. i had finally started studying. finally thought it was super adult of me to not waste my years in phd and then sit and wait for asst. prof. vacancies. i am not young anymore, unemployed, living at home since january now. i already have a gap in masters. i have joined extra courses so that my cv isnt empty for the year. my parents are pressurising me to get a job asap so that they can get me married (they dont really like the fact that i have a boyfriend, they want it to be converted to husband so that its socially acceptable). i dont want to think about this shit.

i dont know how yall prep for phds. i think i have ruined my chances even if i do crack net someday. i dont know what to do my phd on anymore. my masters dissertation was shit because i was super depressed back then and just aimed to reach the word count somehow. i have nothing to my name except a masters degree with mid cgpa and a gap year. no publications, no extracurricular activities, no job experience, no net or gate or set, absolutely nothing. people tell me a b.ed would be a good idea, but i cant go to uni for another two years while my batchmates are all working and going out of the country and getting published in books.

i generally vent on instagram a lot, but i didnt really open instagram since the re-net announcement. i feel like its my duty to share and speak up on my platform, but i dont want my batchmates to see me struggling with something that is basically nostalgia for them atp. i dont know how everyone else was so much better than me, ive always been pretty average in class.

i know everything that i wrote a book chapter on above cannot be blamed on re-net. most of it cant be. i have been frustrated, suppressing, holding onto the hope that i will do better the next day. but, having to redo things that i have given up on has made me finally break down. i feel so full of other things in my brain that i cant study a single line. i feel so numb that i cant bring myself to be tensed about my exam. it just feels so far away. i dont know who to share this with because i am deeply ashamed of how many times ive failed. i dont want to talk to my boyfriend about this because he keeps telling me to put these emotions on hold rn and study for the next 20 days (which is valid, but i am unable to do so). my parents expect me to not look at anything but books for the next 20 days, every moment i spend on something else is a waste. my mom thinks this is a golden opportunity and i get a second chance and almost an extra month to study 🤡 my father is better, but what is he gonna say except "your anger is valid but you should not engage in it and study for the next 20 days." i dont even have anger. i have stopped talking about net to irl people. i dont have the energy to contribute to the ongoing protests. i dont have to energy to have opinions about what is going on. i dont have the energy to stand up for myself. i dont want to do anything. i just want to binge eat all day and be alone so that i dont have to engage with anyone and no one has to look at me.

im sorry for the autobiography, i know this is not what the subreddit is for. hopefully i will feel something after venting this much.

GUYS I AM GOING CRAZY SO CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME:

If the papers are cancelled for errors/repeated questions, why did NTA take so long to release the re-exam notification?

I am pretty sure this is what literally EVERYONE is thinking. Like even if we ignore all the shady sh!t going on with Socio paper leak and repeated questions, this simple thing cannot be denied. Are people at NTA such slow readers that it took them 2 months to read the question paper THEY MADE and find errors in them?

A lot of students, especially literature and socio (idk any commerce people but I'm sure they felt this too) could literally predict that pur papers are gonna be cancelled. Sociology was leaked, English had way too many repeated questions so ofc there was a chance (again idk anything about commerce don't come at me). If we could read the question for 3hrs and yk engage with the coaching channels on yt a bit and come to this conclusion, why did it take NTA so long.

The answer is very fvcking simple. Jantar Mantar.

The protest was literally at its peak when we were supposed to get the answer key. Imagine if NTA announced another paper cancelled while students were literally on the streets right outside their gates. While students were already fvcking angry about kids getting beaten up by police for no reason. IT WOULD LITERALLY BE ADDING FUEL TO FIRE. And they cannot afford to do that.

Look at what happened in Bangladesh. That was a students' protest too. Look at how Gen Z toppled Nepal's government. Indian govt was sh!tting its pants when students were gathering at Jantar Mantar. Protests happened ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. If they released this same notice back then, things would have taken a turn much bigger than the govt could ever control.

So, the best option for them was to wait. They first made Dharmendra Pradhan resign and pretended that they have solved everything. Then they let people forget about the protest. They waited until the reels of kids getting dragged and assaulted for standing up disappeared from our feeds. They waited till the people of the country were back to being docile again.

(Also I am an english student so don't mind me if I say the release date of the result was meticulously planned. They released it right after Independence Day, when emotions are high and people especially love their country. Even if you harbour deep resentment towards the current government, you feel a sense of pride and gratitude towards the people of the country who fought for our freedom. You remember to be grateful to what "this land has given to you." It is such a feel-good day. Bittersweet. Nostalgic almost, to the days of your school where you danced to "I love my India." It is not a day you would necessarily focus on the worst aspects of the current government; it rather a day for you to enjoy the freedom which you had absolutely nothing to contribute in the fight for. Of course you would be less likely to blame the country (which is a sit-in for the govt because metonymy-part for whole) when you feel this bubbly joy inside and you are thankful to the flag. When I tell people that the current govt is cunning in planning its every move, this is what I mean. This is my analysis of the situation.)

Now that everyone is back to being docile, innocent creatures (goru ekti niriho prani aah vibes), they drop this sh!t with absolutely 0 accountability. "Omg there were so many errors guys it's not fair to YOU. We care about YOU. That's why you have to sit for the exam again uwu~" NTA bro YOU made the paper. It is NOT fair to us. But where is your accountability? What steps did you take to ensure it won't happen again? Where is your acknowledgement of the socio paper leak? What guarantee can you give that the next exam won't have errors, or the paper won't be leaked again?

I have ranted enough. To say I am frustrated is such a fvcking understatement. I don't want to rant about my mental health here. Just wanted to let out some anger. Also I am like 90% sure I am correct about this conspiracy theory.

***also, I know students are protesting in Jharkhand, but let's be honest, neither the central government nor most people in India care about it. Jharkhand is something people don't care about (I say this as someone who lives 2hrs away from the Ranchi). Delhi will always be more important than Jharkhand. Students beaten up in Delhi will always have more sympathisers than the same thing happening in a "tribal" state. I would rather avoid the analysis of that here, but I think you get my point.

edit: this is a conspiracy theory and in no way am i saying this is true. also i 100% did not participate in NEET protest or post anything against the current allegedly fascist regime. i never even called the regime fascist. i really love my country and i really respect the current ruling party, and i am not calling them useless and not implying that the country is being destroyed by them. i think corruption in the ruling party and the bureaucratic bodies like nta is simply a conspiracy theory and i am sure they are 100% honest people and english paper did have 100s of typos and errors, i probably just missed all of them. thank you and best of luck i love my country i love my prime minister 😔😔👍

I don't understand what they mean by the paper being riddled with errors. That is absolutely NOT anything new. Also why did it take them two months to find the errors we found within 3hrs in the exam hall 🤡. I am super frustrated. I don't understand why the paper is cancelled. I don't understand how it is fair to just tell someone "surprise mfer you got 24 days to prep for something you thought was over 2 months ago." I am baffled by whatever the fuvk notice they released because it sounds like they cancelled the paper for absolutely nothing? Someone who is more emotionally stable rn can you explain why the cancellation happened?