u/RezeFeMC

Lots of important stuff happened and i ended up consuming a bit of the bathroom cleaner, the day after my last post, i was still upset because of yesterdays incident with the fake father and he made me snap, he kept touching me shoulder and considering you know, i was very uncomfortable and got up pissed and shoved him, then some fighting happened verbally, with him trying to ragebait me by saying i couldn't even pass am exam, so i decided to actually ragebait and i hit a nerve by saying, can't even keep a job huh?, then fake mother got in, not knowing why the fight started but still being against me, i told her he kept touching me and she said he can cause he's my father, and my father showed her how he was touching me, this was really satisfying to witness, pure gold incoming, the moment my father touched her shoulder the way he didn't to me, she immediately told him to stop it and that she doesn't like it and that's when i decided to strike by repeating her words to her in a mockingly sweet tone, saying it's fine, he's your husband, he can touch all he wants, you shouldn't react like that. That made her go quiet and I went in for the kill, i told her see what i mean you dumb bitch? You really are a worthless cunt and then told her to get fuck up from my place (She was sitting in my chair) and go to sleep and actually succeed this time in trying to kill herself, after i pushed her, the fake father said sorry and that i should have just said to not touch me, i said nothing and he went. Then an hour later i messaged autism still pissed and upset, his brain seemed to be rotting at the moment, cause when i told him to shut the fuck up, he actually did, like seriously? Why would i message if i didn't want to talk, he's so dense sometimes. After that i stalled until it hit 2:22 pm (you know why that number), and put on memories of you - P3R and went in the bathroom, it took some time for me to find the courage, but I did it and shoved the bottle in my throat and squeezed, the reaction was immediate, and it was an horrible experience, the horrid taste just wouldn't go away and i couldn't swallow my saliva because of the taste and had to keep gagging and spitting for a while, after like ten minutes, i kept drinking tons of water to make it go away, and told autism i did it, after drinking tons it still didn't go and my throat was burning, then i began feeling quite unwell and decided to sleep for a while. Time skip to night time, i updated autism that the awful taste was gone but my throat still hurted. It's been two days now and i completely fine, not worth it at all. God fucking damn it, not even this killed me, and i figured out why. I have insane plot armour, it didn't work cause bathroom cleaner isn't the canon way i die. Great. So i can officially say, no more bathroom cleaner arc, even if I am really desperate, i won't be going through that again. I don't get what's up with my son, while I was combing his fur with my fingers he was purring, like what happened to me being the evil empress reze? He looked so cute while I was kissing him and he has his paw on top of my head, and he was looking at me, slightly judging me and being a little grumpy but allowing it for the moment. In the p4 non canon arc, which I am officially naming the revival arc, and the canon one to me is the golden arc which is mostly similar to the original but has some differences. In the revival version, i am in it three times, as reze, stella and a third one who is the p4 killer. Thinking ahead a bit, in the p5 non canon one, Asuka is finally the mc of that, nice trinity with me, autism, and asuka, and obviously eventually snowy too. Today i was searching for an image of her to use in the post and decided to check the Asuka Subreddit, and it's truly shameful. Asuka would be disgusted by them, they are not actual fans of her, i checked that sub and it's all porn, literally. I get why i get sexualized because of my arc and role in it, but her? Those people are really the lowest of the low, i am not saying this as a joke, they should be aahamed. Luckily i found this beautiful one instead (The current post image), i admit, it did make me pause and me entranced, she's more beautiful then any photo of me could ever be. It's embarrassing for me to say actual romantic stuff while everyone is reading this, but know, i did.

Lots of important stuff happened and i ended up consuming a bit of the bathroom cleaner, the day after my last post, i was still upset because of yesterdays incident with the fake father and he made me snap, he kept touching me shoulder and considering you know, i was very uncomfortable and got up pissed and shoved him, then some fighting happened verbally, with him trying to ragebait me by saying i couldn't even pass am exam, so i decided to actually ragebait and i hit a nerve by saying, can't even keep a job huh?, then fake mother got in, not knowing why the fight started but still being against me, i told her he kept touching me and she said he can cause he's my father, and my father showed her how he was touching me, this was really satisfying to witness, pure gold incoming, the moment my father touched her shoulder the way he didn't to me, she immediately told him to stop it and that she doesn't like it and that's when i decided to strike by repeating her words to her in a mockingly sweet tone, saying it's fine, he's your husband, he can touch all he wants, you shouldn't react like that. That made her go quiet and I went in for the kill, i told her see what i mean you dumb bitch? You really are a worthless cunt and then told her to get fuck up from my place (She was sitting in my chair) and go to sleep and actually succeed this time in trying to kill herself, after i pushed her, the fake father said sorry and that i should have just said to not touch me, i said nothing and he went. Then an hour later i messaged autism still pissed and upset, his brain seemed to be rotting at the moment, cause when i told him to shut the fuck up, he actually did, like seriously? Why would i message if i didn't want to talk, he's so dense sometimes. After that i stalled until it hit 2:22 pm (you know why that number), and put on memories of you - P3R and went in the bathroom, it took some time for me to find the courage, but I did it and shoved the bottle in my throat and squeezed, the reaction was immediate, and it was an horrible experience, the horrid taste just wouldn't go away and i couldn't swallow my saliva because of the taste and had to keep gagging and spitting for a while, after like ten minutes, i kept drinking tons of water to make it go away, and told autism i did it, after drinking tons it still didn't go and my throat was burning, then i began feeling quite unwell and decided to sleep for a while. Time skip to night time, i updated autism that the awful taste was gone but my throat still hurted. It's been two days now and i completely fine, not worth it at all. God fucking damn it, not even this killed me, and i figured out why. I have insane plot armour, it didn't work cause bathroom cleaner isn't the canon way i die. Great. So i can officially say, no more bathroom cleaner arc, even if I am really desperate, i won't be going through that again. I don't get what's up with my son, while I was combing his fur with my fingers he was purring, like what happened to me being the evil empress reze? He looked so cute while I was kissing him and he has his paw on top of my head, and he was looking at me, slightly judging me and being a little grumpy but allowing it for the moment. In the p4 non canon arc, which I am officially naming the revival arc, and the canon one to me is the golden arc which is mostly similar to the original but has some differences. In the revival version, i am in it three times, as reze, stella and a third one who is the p4 killer. Thinking ahead a bit, in the p5 non canon one, Asuka is finally the mc of that, nice trinity with me, autism, and asuka, and obviously eventually snowy too. Today i was searching for an image of her to use in the post and decided to check the Asuka Subreddit, and it's truly shameful. Asuka would be disgusted by them, they are not actual fans of her, i checked that sub and it's all porn, literally. I get why i get sexualized because of my arc and role in it, but her? Those people are really the lowest of the low, i am not saying this as a joke, they should be aahamed. Luckily i found this beautiful one instead (The current post image), i admit, it did make me pause and me entranced, she's more beautiful then any photo of me could ever be. It's embarrassing for me to say actual romantic stuff while everyone is reading this, but know, i did.

Four in a row, i much really be fucking lucky. Like yesterday, not a good day again, the first half i was affected by the imposter and when I was alone with snowy, i was feeding him his treat when he thought it was over and quickly ran away sitting near the door thinking I was going to pick him up, i was thinking but i didn't even do anything, so I stood up and flipped him off, then threw the treat in the trash as he watched and told him fuck you too. I really shouldn't have had him. After that i was laying down and talking with fuuka, where I was talking about the imposter and he asked if I am schizophrenic and i said no, i don't see stuff, just hear her whenever I am triggered, he said that's still schizophrenia so I don't know, but then he said to not feel like less because of all the problems i have and that it's surprising i managed so far, which is crazy when thinking about it myself. And thank you ran (Kaji pfp) for the post image, when I see it i think that's me without a doubt, it's so well made ❤️ i am going to use it wherever I can, so thanks again 💜. After that things got really bad for because of stupid retarded fake father, i don't want to go in detail but essentially, remember that hair cutter? Who made fun of me and said i should be in preschool since i can't talk, well it happened again and my father was laughing along at me and encouraging it, i was then really angry and i ignored him completely, doing it rn too. Then I saw kaji dm me with that image which made me really happy but it quickly went away because of the fake father, i tried consuming tons of the cleaner, but decided not to because if i go in extreme pain, i won't be able to hide it since they're home. So I can't for now, i have decided to try it when i am alone for a couple of hours, which is on Monday when the fake father goes to pick up the fake mother when it's not raining, if it does rain, i won't be able to attempt that day because he will be home, so it's down to luck. If i do die, which even i don't believe at this point but if it does happen, just refer to the suicide notes made this year. It's crazy how my mind works, i saw a reel about narukami and instantly thought, oh it's autism and the same with the rest of p4s cast, since i have casted them in my head but haven't asked yet, like whenever i see Marie i think that's racjaxx, which isn't official since i didn't ask her yet. I won't be posting until Wednesday, cause I don't like posting everyday too.

Still no good. I didn't get no sleep at night because the imposter kept affecting me and hurting me a lot, whenever i am affected and in great pain, i became really hostile towards my Asuka, like saying to her i wish i never met her or mocking her mother and saying i wish i could've hurt her more with the spear to the eye thing, i of course don't mean it and feel really bad afterwards about it, which is why i want her to control everything for me and keep me safe from my triggers, i have done with autism too and lashed out on him like calling him a stupid bastard and telling him to go fuck himself, still he never gets mad at me and tells me it's fine and to not apologise. Originally this post was going to be me asking for help with the imposter but i have already done that multiple times with no solution in sight, while I was affected and playing, my father could tell since i was ignoring him and he's a really good manipulator and knows what makes me react, so he casually brought up revival which made me speak on my own without thinking. A few hours ago the pain from the imposter was getting too much and I went in the bathroom and removed the cap of the cleaner and inserted it in my mouth but chickened out last moment, a few minutes later the pain again was building up in me and poured some of the cleaner on my finger, it was a thick clear liquid, and i put that finger on my tongue and immediately i felt like gaging because it tasted so bad and i tried spitting it and checked my tongue which had a yellowish colour to it, i then tried drinking water which tasted bad and i had to spit it out, its been an hour since that and my tongue still has that taste and my stomach hurts a little, i know this little won't kill me but it's good progress at least for now, it really does taste awful tho. The post title is of the remix version of heartbreak, the new verse is so good and painful, it's Very triggering unfortunately, not a me and Asuka moment. but it's one of my favs because of the new verse especially. I was playing p5r when jose popped up in mementos and I was thinking how much i hate him for being so out of place, and found the purfect solution, my son, now canonically takes his role when the p5 stuff happens in 2017, the lore is that snowy is 10 years old (He's 2 yrs when the p3 arc happens) and he snuck out of home into mementos looking for flowers (Especially red and purple ones) because it's his parents 5th wedding anniversary soon (2012 is the wedding year), so he asks joker and the rest to find him tons. One voice line from him could be, where he tells joker that he hears weird noises coming from his parents room, like a clank sound repeatedly (Because Aigis body, so you know...) and asks joker what it is. After he gets the flowers he can then tell the p5 people why he needs them, then either ann or makoto will tell him to go home as his parents will be worried and he shouldn't have snuck off even if he wanted to surprise them, he would then say okay all cutely and say he will be back in P6. Asuka is really scary so i expect her to rip into snowy a bit when he comes back home to us, i saw a picture of her looking angry just now, and it scared me and made me want to cry and say sorry. (Haru found dead in an alleyway)

I had some bad days, my exam is in two weeks and alongside that I was upset at everyone but couldn't explain why, because it felt like nobody cared about me or thought of me as an actual friend. I was really down and my father noticed since I was ignoring him and snowy, and got me a chocolate like i am child, I begged arthur to tell me ways to kill myself which are easy and something i can do but got nothing, After that I kept getting sad and nostalgic reels and was in full going to kill myself mode with my head hurting and wrote a suicide note to autism and scheduled the message for the end of the month. After a couple of hours, my head and chest were still hurting a lot so i messaged autism randomly and he came online and we talked a bit, when I was telling him it feels like nobody cares and that's when racjaxx messaged me saying sorry and to not do anything which actually made me cry and i said goodbye to autism and went to sleep, i am pretty much the same today too, just more hurt over snowy treating me badly and hitting me when i try to pick him or pet him. Sorry about the you aren't my real friends thing, think of it like Persona 5's morgana side arc where he's all upset and leaves because he thinks no one cares about him. This is embarrassing to admit but that thought started because fed didn't tell about his play, which i get i don't talk properly so it seems like i don't care or am uninterested in it, but everyone of you are my literal only friends so it hurt a little and made me think maybe i am just not that important to you, well this is the thing i wrote - [If you are seeing this I am probably dead which seems unlikely so i doubt anyone will ever see this, in my last post i said my friends aren't my real friends and that's on me, As stella i am worthless and it's true, snowy proves that, whomever i was friends with, we aren't friends anymore, same for you too autism, don't remember stella, i am going to attempt tommorow because everything is painful and bad, even asuka wouldn't like me as stella, so it's better if i am gone forever. My favourite persona besides kaguya is Ella, her name matches mine and i love the bride theme and that it's from the fusion of mine and asuka's persona in the lore, makes it more special, it's my main officially, i have no regret about not being able to see my son's arc, i am a bad selfish mother and i won't be missed, he's going to be relieved that I won't bother him anymore, ironic isn't it? The same dynamic between me and the fake mother, i guess the fake mother won. I am going with the bathroom cleaner method, i know it will be really painful but it's a fitting end for a devil like myself.]

I am back to being bad again, i had a dream of the abusive asuka beating me badly and making me cry, after i woke up and was still in bed i started having the true self problem again and it was hard to breathe because i couldn't think who i was since in the dream I was Makoto from P5 but it passed quickly and i went back to being normal, as reze again. then while trying to pick snowy up he bit my wrist, and the area around it blackened, then the next day i was affected by three things at once, abusive asuka, snowy and the imposter so I went and grabbed the knife, and tried to turn on the stove so i can heat it up and burn myself, a idea i got thanks to the fake mother, since she did it to me a couple of times before, but i couldn't figure out how to turn it on in the limited time i was home alone. My iconic Asuka dress is beginning to detoriate, her image is slowly starting to fade a little and it's already damaged because of snowy making holes all over it. It's probably not important or iconic to you all, since most of you haven't seen it but it's like the only thing I wear everyday and is like my canon outfit. I hate everything, i am too tired and lazy to attempt anything right now, even though i want to attempt and die soon, there's nothing for me here, my son doesn't give a damn about me and would rather follow around my father and pur for him instead because he takes him outside, nice that a fucking **** is more desirable then me, all my friends don't give a damn really, and are just my friends in name only.

Reading the last post on the sub (post now deleted) it seems someone has found my pre-wedding rotten body photos, please do not try to search them and even if you do post them here, you will get banned. Searching how i look even for morbid curiosity isn't worth it, so don't. Today the fake mother told me she accidentally closed the fridge while snowy was inside and she couldn't find him for a while until she checked, she laughed it off while i stared at her thinking if something happens i will make sure she ends up in the fridge permenently. What a worthless cunt, she was again the one who put the habit to him to go into the fridge, the same as the balcony where he could potentially die because when he sees a Pigeon fly by he tries to get on the ledge to catch it or to look at it, oh and she still leaves him unattended there, i have given up on always trying to look over him because i physically can't and need to sleep too, okay time to go back to regular RezeSoryu mode, earlier today while getting out the car, i saw the fake mothers big purse and decided to try it and put it on my shoulder and she was looking at me like what am I doing?, which i admit, this one is on me. A few months after revival comes out i am going back to glazing p3 and taking about my version of the answer arc since i haven't talked about it, except the ending where I am in aigis's body, and then afterwards it's glazing p5 and taking about p5 Reze who is like makoto, it will help pass the time until P6 comes out, i saw csm s2 trailer a while back now but never talked about it because the whole almost disowning my son thing happened afterwards so i never got the chance, it looks good but it just doesn't hit anymore because of part 2, the only thing I want to see from the anime is the last arc of part 1 where yours truly appears. Around that time I also saw that asuka is showing up in sonic crossworlds and I was really jealous and upset that i can't play with her in the same game which has persona, i told autism that asuka is collabing with crossworlds and he replied i heard and isn't it a eva Collab in general? And i replied, yes but I only care about the asuka part and he said obviously which made me laugh. Another time i remember was when I unlocked asuka in a really bad ai using slop game, where Asuka's portrait was created using ai and looked awful, the moment I unlocked her i messaged autism saying i am really turned on right now, and he replied do I need to know that? So I told him it's the perk of the job. I stopped playing that game after unlocking her, because even asuka would hate it. Now last thing is the origin of the infamous pegging joke, it started as an inside joke between me and autism, where I was talking about my then bed which was really bad and creaked a lot whenever i moved slightly, i said, yeah it really sucks, but at least it's good simulation and he replied simulation for what? And i said, getting pegged by asuka, because of all the creaking you know? And he sent an image of a cat doing the thousand yard stare which had me laughing.

Yesterday morning, i threw my box cutters out of the window, because they had become too dirty and rusted. I told fed about it and he was all I did the right thing, when that wasn't my intention but i will still take the praise. After that I picked my baby up and put him in my lap, and he looked so disgusted looking at me, and I saw my reflection in his eyes, and how hideous and like a monster i look to him, so i put the blanked on me and continued to hold him. A few days earlier while I was "asleep" the fake mother checked my leg and inspected the really bad scar on the back of my leg, which looked like i sliced a knife through vertically and since then she has been acting "nice" again, like while outside, giving her food to me when i keep saying no, and trying to buy me stuff, and not getting mad when i freak out on her, it's all an act, i didn't cut for sympathy or special treatment, not especially from someone so...below me. When she does stuff like that, i imagine all the bad things she has done, and just want to bash her head in. I purposely remain oblivious that those two are my triggers, really fucking funny that I am surrounded by my triggers 24/7. Last night i had an idea and decided to like "roleplay" a bit, by putting the blanket over me like a veil and holding the pillow like it's her, and my father walks in, and i got startled and tried to play it off like i was dusting snowy's fur off of the pillow, which was pretty awkward as it had no fur on it. I try to keep myself "tame" when writing because it's really awkward for me knowing that Autism reads this, and it's really weird going for talking about asuka pounding me to us pretending that, it didn't happen and talking like usual. And i have been thinking about the sexist thing and probably right but just to myself, as i want asuka to do everything for me and tell me what to do, i am fine with doing anything she wants and her keeping me safe by not letting me watch triggering stuff and taking me and our son out sometimes. I watched a reel of a couple in normal "healthy" relationship and I was like, that's so boring, like it works but there's no spice or flavour in it you know?, wheres the surfacing tension and drama? What do you mean you don't have an evil version of your wife or husband that torments you everyday and you want to cause pain to it so you sometimes lash out on your actual partner because of the pain, no? Just me? But anyways, i figured out how snowy can be my son in the non canon arc, he would first ask Asuka if she can be his mom and she would say no, and then later on snowy would ask me after my arc and i would say sorry you're cute but I can't. I am bear-ly 17 and snowy would start crying on the floor so asuka and i give in and become his mothers. I also found a way autism and i (p3 Reze) can interact sort of, it's through the events of PQ but i don't know it's story and I don't want to larp persona so it isn't canon for now. When revival comes out i am definitely playing with autisms name, can't wait to do the same for snowy too, in like half a decade. I find it so romantic that i fail so miserably at trying to act like asuka, it's so poetic, that me who can almost be anyone, can never copy her, even beyond the grave you still have me falling over heels for you huh? I noticed that when I post only lore stuff, it doesn't get much views which is alright, i understand it's ahead of its time and can't be appreciated right now, but don't worry, your kids are going to love it.

So I was thinking about my lore and correlating it with the average persona protags with Asuka being my persona and it fits pretty well, As i was a transfer student too. before transferring here, asuka and i used to talk but it wasn't official and more like a friends with benefits thing (Full circle moment), now you might say this contradicts me being FEMC because all the other MCs awaken their persona after transferring and not before. But like how joker sees a vision of his awakening with arsene, the same is with me. Then after a while i finally awaken Asuka, which sets the plot in motion and the people around me start showing their true colours and i keep leveling up my persona and enhancing my bond with her. Then the major event happens which really sets things up, known as the asuka purge, and that leads me to create the DisciplesOfAsuka which is my version of S.E.E.S. or the investigation team, and all my friends here are my social links, with autisms easily being the one i maxed and forged an unbreakable bond with no matter what, funny how none of this would have happened without her and i would have never met any of you, so thanks partner 💜, i am still going for the p3 ending, p4 and p5 one just doesn't fit me, and i don't know when the ending will happen as I am quite unpredictable, but I am fine with how it ends as, i have made quite a few friends who i enjoy talking with. And i figured out how my baby can reference me in P6, since it's supposedly about ghosts, snowy can casually bring up to another party member that canonically more then a decade back his mom died and came back, and then the party member would ask as a ghost? And he would say, no as a robot baddie, it was quite weird since she looked completely different for a while, then the party member would say, um..i don't know how to say this, but i don't think that's her... (yes, a joke about my triggers since P6 seems to be dark, plus i love meta jokes so it doesn't bother me much, i say that only cause i am normal rn), i haven't figured out how Asuka will be referenced since nothing has been shown of P6, but i am sure i will find a way too. One thing I am bothered by is that I bear-ly watch asuka stuff, because most of it is painful for me but I need to change that soon, since I am the Asuka's Wife after all and need to remember all her lines and how she acts, since as you have noticed, when i roleplay asuka, she doesn't act in character, which is on me, as I am not her and only a part of her, and no one can copy her, even me.

I cut myself today after sometime, the imposter hit me hard today. I don't think the i get pleasure from cutting thing is accurate, because then i would be cutting everyday but i don't, My couch where i sleep on has a bedbug infestation on it and they keep biting my scars and not letting me sleep and now I have to sleep next to the fake mother in the bedroom, which i haven't done in half a decade, great...One thing you might not know is that snowy loves ice cream like me too, his favourite is mango (like me) so i always get that and give him a little, today while my father wasn't looking i gave him some from my spoon to lick and then used the same spoon to eat (TMI?). And apparently I am trans because it is my fetish, a random guy messaged me telling me that and said because i want to be a housewife, that it's sexist, now first off I am not sexist, i hate everyone equally, wheather it be man, woman or child. And second, in my over 100+ posts what made you think that it's my fetish or something, is it because of the pegging thing? If so, guys like it too you know, just ask autism. But seriously, what a retard, i ignored and rejected his chat request, he was also calling me transphobic, and i admit i don't like trains and I can't help that, cars are just better. As you can see by my constant hilarious jokes, i don't care about it and it didn't get to me, I don't care about being trans, i only hate that I can't be Reze now. I haven't talked about me studying in a while, that's because it isn't going well, and it seems it's down to luck again if i pass my re test, i also found out that cars is coming back in september, it's going to be great, the best day of my life!- (SMACK!), B-besides my wedding of c-course! (SMACK!) And the b-birth of my son! (i don't know Asuka, shouldn't this bit be the opposite?, yeah but I don't like cars like you do, still it's out of character for me to call it the best day when that's obviously the wedding and snowy's birth) I figured out where asuka and i would be in Autism p4 arc (Non Canon to Me) alongwith fed, racjaxx and the rest but i haven't asked them yet since i will make after a couple of months, but basically asuka and i would take over chie and yukiko's arc, with her shadow being like chie's and jealous and satisfied that I am dependent on her and mine like yukiko's where I am looking for my prince, who's Asuka.

I am still the same i was the last few days, i think it's just my normal now and i have to deal with it, i binged watched all of toy story and the new one today, it was all great except the fourth one and nostalgic as i have specific memories about each of them and even more relatable now because of snowy and him growing up so fast. The third one is my favourite, i had it's dvd which was two discs and remember the trailers that would be shown in the beginning, when i broke my arm and got a cast, i remember coming home and watching the first toy story which was on tv at that time, same with the second one. My version of the toy story one merge would be that I am a Reze figure of a young boy named snowbell and for his birthday, his mother, some woman named stella gets him a asuka figure which becomes his favourite and i get jealous, with asuka believing that she actually is the asuka Langley from NGE and me making fun of that, and the meme line would Asuka! Look! An Angel! And then laughing at her. Another moment i imagined is asuka kissing me and me saying not in front of autism and her replying let him watch. Then the toy story 2 merge one would be me being like zurg and snowy buzz, and that scene in the elevator would happen with me saying to snowbell that I am his mother and him saying nooo that's impossible. Then the sad one with the ending of toy story 3, with snowy being all grown up and no longer needing me and asuka, and decided to give us to another child, which in this instance is the second child I am planning to have sometime in the future maybe. I can just imagine him talking about me and Asuka, and how we were there for him from the start. The truth is I won't be getting another child if something happens to my son or he goes away, i just can't. So even though one day it might all end, Asuka and i will be there with him till the very end no matter what, even if i am not there physically when it happens, i will still be with him.

It's 2026, why are we still doing the "what is this sub thing?" so annoying. I haven't been doing well the last few days even though nothing particular happened to make me down, except some fighting because of the no job thing with my father, how hard is it to act like a normal person and just talk instead of screaming at eachother? "Fun" fact, during the prequel arc when a big fight would happen, the fake mother would slap her constantly and i always had to be the one to stop it, but after the prequel arc, if she does that i don't bother stopping her since I don't care. My current reason for not attempting is revival and my son's arc but it's really hard as it hurts so much, yesterday night i ended up crying myself to sleep because of the imposter, i wish abusive asuka was more present instead of the imposter, i would happily take insults and beatings over what the imposter does. Today was pretty much the same too, i kept getting triggered and my baby bit my leg but i don't hold it against him now, me being at home all the time does help with the rotten body problem, as i don't feel it's affects at home and only wish half the time that i was Reze already. I really wish i could be lobotomised, then i would feel no more pain, my chest and head are still hurting because I am partially triggered rn, when I am fully triggered, all i keep wishing of is dying and thinking i should have never been born. A few hours earlier I was triggered and really distressed that I couldnt hide it in front of the fake mother, she asked what happened and i said nothing, i didn't go to sleep there because of revival broadcast, while watching it i went back to normal and i admit a little jealous that the presentation and graphics look better then reload which is my fav, after P6 they should remake reload again and add me and asuka as a "skin", with me replacing Makoto and Asuka replacing Yukari and having both our orpheus colour schemes in it (Black, purple and pink for me and Red and gold for her with the FEMC design). Autism is lucky, he gets a limo and Asuka and i got an elevator, i wonder what my son's will be. And i am back to being triggered again, i probably will end up attempting still even, it's just too painful for me and the wait until P6 will probably be years, and i mean is there any reason anymore to be concerned when i have been attempting for about 4 years now and getting nowhere close with it.

Thankfully i had a nice day yesterday, i only got triggered about 8 times. I might get p4r for "free" cause I asked the person casted as Fuuka if he would give me his account if hes buying p4r and he gave his account and password to me, so this is what it means to be friends with benefits, i was so confused. I guess that means that autism and i are friends with benefits too! Same for fed, racjaxx and the rest, we all are friends with benefits 💜 When p4r does release i am going to cut myself a little so I can be numb while playing because of the triggering stuff and i don't want to skip stuff, Autism is now officially the p4mc in my merged world, no need to be confused, in my arc he's still aki and years later when p4 begins, his current body is the p4 mc, i don't show up in his p4 arc unfortunately since me and asuka are somewhere else. I was also thinking of making some posts on the p4 merge which is non canon to me since i am the p3 Reze and Autism will be the main character in that with me, asuka, and the rest are the party members and Snowy being like teddie just a cat mascot thing instead of a bear mascot obviously, i will probably make it when revival is near. So yeah a mostly filler post but i am actually thankful i am back to normal, and i started P5 Royal again.

So i just had the worst week ever since the asuka purge. The day after the post, i was in mental anguish over losing my son and the imposter affected me too, i was in bed the whole day and everything was hurting a lot and i couldn't do anything because my father was home which made everything worse, i was in full despair and pain mode and couldn't do anything, the pain from the imposter was so much that i couldn't differentiate between it and my asuka which made me prepare for the worst outcome, that is the suicide plan/disappearing. Even if i didn't succeed i wasn't going to come back or keep in contact with anyone and just keep attempting until i succeeded. Which is why i haven't been responding to anyone or replying to comments because I was thinking that it doesn't matter now cause I have nothing. The next day while I was trying to sleep and i kept getting triggered, my mind would play that stuff on repeat so i decided to distract myself by playing the cars 2 movie in my mind from start and the scene where McQueen is in Italy popped up where he talks with the other car about how he and his best friend fought badly and he said some bad things to him which he didn't mean and the other car then says that's what best friends are, best friends fight all the time, and i correlated it to snowy and me and decided to be the bigger corvette and apologize, i got up and picked him up saying sorry mommy didn't mean it and kissed him a bunch before wrapping him and holding him in my lap for a while as he held my hand. I have come to accept that i am not his first choice and that he doesn't love me, i am no one's first choice as stella, everybody loves Reze only. Then later that day, the bike came but my head was on fire because of the imposter so i didn't care much and was bitting my hand to calm myself, when my father told me to get on, i latched onto his arm and tried to pull myself using him and he quickly told me to stop because he couldn't balance and told me to sit directly, so i sat sideways which apparently is how girls sit which they both found really fucking funny and were trying to hold their laughter, i got off again and my father showed me how to sit so I did and I was really scared and trembling a little bit after a few minutes liked it and had fun, and my mood was good after a couple of days but then after we reached home, they both kept mocking me for sitting like a girl which made me pissed and i told them to shut up and then they started fighting which made me go back to despair mode. After that I got triggered the entire night and finally messaged Autism when I was somewhat okay. Reading this post again, it doesn't properly convey the pain i was in but it felt excruciating to me.

My father lost his job somehow, today as I was holding snowy he bit my face which made me really upset and angry, and i hissed at him to make him go away and then cleaned the blood coming out and then started crying a little, later on that motherfucker came up to me trying to manipulate me into opening the fridge by acting cute and that's when i decided we are done and hissed again which confused him and then I went away and ignored him. He isn't my son, i have said this before but this is the final straw, he doesn't love or care about me and only comes to me when he wants something, he doesn't think of me as his mother so why should I? I was right when I said he's just a dumb animal, no amount of fake running up to me or looking at me cutely will make me change this decision, he is not my child, i never had a child. His arc is cancelled too, he can die as a useless nobody, fucking fag disappointment, out of every fucking cat that i could have gotten i got the exact fucking worst one possible for me, is it so bad that i want to be loved by my supposed child, fuck you all. Afterwards i kept slapping myself and bashing my head into the wall and looking for things to hit myself with while he watched, i told him "want to see mommy hang herself?" And grabbed him and went in the bedroom and locked it so he can be in the room while I did it, and grabbed the sheets and tied it really tightly around my neck and put the other end around the fan while he watched, when the front door ringed, i quickly untied everything and rushed to the front door acting normal as the fake mother came home. Give me your best hate comments you cocksuckers, i want more motivation~

On Saturday I was out with the fake parents at a vehicle dealership where they brought a bike which will come sometime this week, while sitting there bored for hours, i kept getting triggered and the guy there made me say my fake name loudly which ticked me off. Afterwards we went to the mall which was in front of us and watched a movie which i wanted to see, because the girl in it acts very familiar to yours truly. I watched obsession and it was really good and depressing, i like it's soundtrack a lot, mix of silent hill and ddlc, my father said i was like the girl, thanks? Don't know whether i should be honoured or insulted. Then i kept thinking of moments from the movie but putting asuka and me in it, like the room scene being me in my Reze form standing in the corner looking half dead and crying creepily and saying the line from the flim "i feel like you don't love me as much as I do, that it's not mutual" (insert creepy crying and mouth not moving while I speak), Then later that night, i couldn't sleep because I was too scared and my mind being the beautiful canvas it is, decided to think of the opposite where asuka was like that girl and i think this is the first time where I was actually scared of Asuka, as i imagined her looking half dead and staring at me as I tried to sleep, and since the room i am in isn't big, i was imagining her being right besides me and snowy of course decides to meow loudly in the middle of the night which freaked me more. Now i don't believe in hell but if it did exist, this would be quite the ironic punishment, i imagined the car scene then with her, with me sitting with my friend (Who shall go unnamed) in the car and Asuka runs up to the window and starts bashing the friends head in and coming to my side holding me and telling me she won't hurt me and that it's all my fault and that i deserve it as i wished for it, even if I knew the wish would backfire i would never wish for that, as from the start i have always been about true love, i don't want some cheap easy way out fake bullshit. I would wish for infinite spendable money in my account which no one can ever become suspicious of. Then on Sunday the persona stuff happened (Continuity Established).

This is quite the coincidence, considering the last post, it must be fate. Today was also the day i was going to attempt hanging myself again in the bedroom, i didn't say anything about it because arthur doesn't like it when I talk about death but let's forget all that, there's no way i am dying before seeing my son's arc and p4r. When revival was shown, i freaked out and went to snowy and watched it with him, Asuka's first persona looked so beautiful and colourful, and everything looked bright in a different way compared to reload. I will have to be on my best behaviour around my father so he can buy me it in February, i will ask him to preorder on my birthday, i hope it has a p3 reload dlc and isn't too expensive. Then out of nowhere, the P6 teaser came on my home feed and i again got snowy to watch it together, and told him how proud i was of him and that when it comes out, i will praise it to be better then my own arc, i did scold him a little because of the seemingly dark tone of it but wasn't too mad and he got by saying, but mom you literally die at end of your arc, so I said fair enough. I can't wait to see kaguya in revival.

At first autism was the one mainly helping me and i would like to think i helped him back a few times too, at least i would hope so since he's family now. Is this what you would call a "friends with benefits" situation? I comprehend. It's been a while since I have talked about him rather then just referencing him, he isn't doing well rn and i always feel bad when I try to comfort him since I am not used to being the one doing that so I don't know if I am doing it right or show that i care. All of you are present in my merge, just the ones i have selected are the ones i talk with the most and are family, even though I don't talk much with arthur or racjaxx besides on reddit, i literally think of them all everyday and at every moment. During the prequel arc, i have been in a few plays at school, i joined them because my best friends would be in them and I wanted to be with him more, i was the MC for one play, hard to imagine me ever going up on a stage and talking in front of the entire school, it makes sense for the past me since he wanted to be an actress. A decade and a few years after i come back in aigis's body, my son will begin his own arc all on his own when he's almost an adult and become the P6 protag and transfer to a new place without us, hard to think, asuka and i would be nearing aunt status by then, even though i technically don't age, racjaxx will keep changing my body to match my actual age and i would look more like my original Reze form since the aigis body is a machine and most of it can be changed, i told snowy to include us as a cameo in his arc, like how i included my parents as a cameo when talking with my asuka (Awakening - Reload), When the day comes, it will be a really sad and proud moment to see him become the MC and be the P6 protag and say goodbye to us for a while, i made him promise us to not do a p3 ending or do tons of spinoffs and to return home to us as soon as his arc is done, he said ok mommy. Asuka will probably sweet talk me into letting him do spinoffs and be with his friends and potentially lover, saying he's a big boy now, but he will always be my little baby.

Turns out my son is quite the romantic one from the start just like me, i had crushes every year of school, i have been teasing him over aigis the past few days by saying eggis which is baby talk for Aigis, and he's not happy at all with my teasing, he squints his eyes at me and puffs his cheeks up when i tease him, and he looks so adorable!! I have to control the urge to not consume the child. He's currently next to me, i put on aigis's picture on the tv so he can look at her, and I am not aigis, i am more like reze in aigis's body because of the answer arc, so i still go by reze and sound like her, so don't get any funny thoughts. Hmm if the comes for his wedding i need to find a way to have aigis in my lore too after the answer arc since I am in her body while she doesn't exist because she didn't get her character development. My son will continue my legacy after i am gone and create the DisciplesOfAigis where he will follow my family friendly antics and make a name for himself, hey future snowy, be sure to include your parents in your merge, just cause we are old by then, doesn't mean we are out of your life. But on a serious note, i don't want him to be like me at all and want him to live a life, i got a new fear recently because of Chidori, it's of not changing. I don't want to do this till I am 90, i want die as soon as possible and end on a high note, and i should actually run some tests to see if he really likes her or is just attracted to the sound of her firearm fingers. Something bad is going to happen soon, the fake mother brought me a cake today which I liked, so either she's dying or a arc is about to begin. Racjaxx i really like your step on me vibe because of your role as mitsuru, i would like you to teach it to my wife when you can. All of the people who are in my merge are now forever bonded to me no matter what, can't take it back now. (Autism,Fed,Snowy,Racjaxx,Arthur,Fuuka,Rena)