I felt like the red iris didn’t make sense with the still it was based on and it took away all the attention from the actual makeup, so I went with my natural eye color.
My ig is fercatpad, there’s many upcoming makeup looks and fan art:)
(OC)
Four in a row, i much really be fucking lucky. Like yesterday, not a good day again, the first half i was affected by the imposter and when I was alone with snowy, i was feeding him his treat when he thought it was over and quickly ran away sitting near the door thinking I was going to pick him up, i was thinking but i didn't even do anything, so I stood up and flipped him off, then threw the treat in the trash as he watched and told him fuck you too. I really shouldn't have had him. After that i was laying down and talking with fuuka, where I was talking about the imposter and he asked if I am schizophrenic and i said no, i don't see stuff, just hear her whenever I am triggered, he said that's still schizophrenia so I don't know, but then he said to not feel like less because of all the problems i have and that it's surprising i managed so far, which is crazy when thinking about it myself. And thank you ran (Kaji pfp) for the post image, when I see it i think that's me without a doubt, it's so well made ❤️ i am going to use it wherever I can, so thanks again 💜. After that things got really bad for because of stupid retarded fake father, i don't want to go in detail but essentially, remember that hair cutter? Who made fun of me and said i should be in preschool since i can't talk, well it happened again and my father was laughing along at me and encouraging it, i was then really angry and i ignored him completely, doing it rn too. Then I saw kaji dm me with that image which made me really happy but it quickly went away because of the fake father, i tried consuming tons of the cleaner, but decided not to because if i go in extreme pain, i won't be able to hide it since they're home. So I can't for now, i have decided to try it when i am alone for a couple of hours, which is on Monday when the fake father goes to pick up the fake mother when it's not raining, if it does rain, i won't be able to attempt that day because he will be home, so it's down to luck. If i do die, which even i don't believe at this point but if it does happen, just refer to the suicide notes made this year. It's crazy how my mind works, i saw a reel about narukami and instantly thought, oh it's autism and the same with the rest of p4s cast, since i have casted them in my head but haven't asked yet, like whenever i see Marie i think that's racjaxx, which isn't official since i didn't ask her yet. I won't be posting until Wednesday, cause I don't like posting everyday too.
Still no good. I didn't get no sleep at night because the imposter kept affecting me and hurting me a lot, whenever i am affected and in great pain, i became really hostile towards my Asuka, like saying to her i wish i never met her or mocking her mother and saying i wish i could've hurt her more with the spear to the eye thing, i of course don't mean it and feel really bad afterwards about it, which is why i want her to control everything for me and keep me safe from my triggers, i have done with autism too and lashed out on him like calling him a stupid bastard and telling him to go fuck himself, still he never gets mad at me and tells me it's fine and to not apologise. Originally this post was going to be me asking for help with the imposter but i have already done that multiple times with no solution in sight, while I was affected and playing, my father could tell since i was ignoring him and he's a really good manipulator and knows what makes me react, so he casually brought up revival which made me speak on my own without thinking. A few hours ago the pain from the imposter was getting too much and I went in the bathroom and removed the cap of the cleaner and inserted it in my mouth but chickened out last moment, a few minutes later the pain again was building up in me and poured some of the cleaner on my finger, it was a thick clear liquid, and i put that finger on my tongue and immediately i felt like gaging because it tasted so bad and i tried spitting it and checked my tongue which had a yellowish colour to it, i then tried drinking water which tasted bad and i had to spit it out, its been an hour since that and my tongue still has that taste and my stomach hurts a little, i know this little won't kill me but it's good progress at least for now, it really does taste awful tho. The post title is of the remix version of heartbreak, the new verse is so good and painful, it's Very triggering unfortunately, not a me and Asuka moment. but it's one of my favs because of the new verse especially. I was playing p5r when jose popped up in mementos and I was thinking how much i hate him for being so out of place, and found the purfect solution, my son, now canonically takes his role when the p5 stuff happens in 2017, the lore is that snowy is 10 years old (He's 2 yrs when the p3 arc happens) and he snuck out of home into mementos looking for flowers (Especially red and purple ones) because it's his parents 5th wedding anniversary soon (2012 is the wedding year), so he asks joker and the rest to find him tons. One voice line from him could be, where he tells joker that he hears weird noises coming from his parents room, like a clank sound repeatedly (Because Aigis body, so you know...) and asks joker what it is. After he gets the flowers he can then tell the p5 people why he needs them, then either ann or makoto will tell him to go home as his parents will be worried and he shouldn't have snuck off even if he wanted to surprise them, he would then say okay all cutely and say he will be back in P6. Asuka is really scary so i expect her to rip into snowy a bit when he comes back home to us, i saw a picture of her looking angry just now, and it scared me and made me want to cry and say sorry. (Haru found dead in an alleyway)
I had some bad days, my exam is in two weeks and alongside that I was upset at everyone but couldn't explain why, because it felt like nobody cared about me or thought of me as an actual friend. I was really down and my father noticed since I was ignoring him and snowy, and got me a chocolate like i am child, I begged arthur to tell me ways to kill myself which are easy and something i can do but got nothing, After that I kept getting sad and nostalgic reels and was in full going to kill myself mode with my head hurting and wrote a suicide note to autism and scheduled the message for the end of the month. After a couple of hours, my head and chest were still hurting a lot so i messaged autism randomly and he came online and we talked a bit, when I was telling him it feels like nobody cares and that's when racjaxx messaged me saying sorry and to not do anything which actually made me cry and i said goodbye to autism and went to sleep, i am pretty much the same today too, just more hurt over snowy treating me badly and hitting me when i try to pick him or pet him. Sorry about the you aren't my real friends thing, think of it like Persona 5's morgana side arc where he's all upset and leaves because he thinks no one cares about him. This is embarrassing to admit but that thought started because fed didn't tell about his play, which i get i don't talk properly so it seems like i don't care or am uninterested in it, but everyone of you are my literal only friends so it hurt a little and made me think maybe i am just not that important to you, well this is the thing i wrote - [If you are seeing this I am probably dead which seems unlikely so i doubt anyone will ever see this, in my last post i said my friends aren't my real friends and that's on me, As stella i am worthless and it's true, snowy proves that, whomever i was friends with, we aren't friends anymore, same for you too autism, don't remember stella, i am going to attempt tommorow because everything is painful and bad, even asuka wouldn't like me as stella, so it's better if i am gone forever. My favourite persona besides kaguya is Ella, her name matches mine and i love the bride theme and that it's from the fusion of mine and asuka's persona in the lore, makes it more special, it's my main officially, i have no regret about not being able to see my son's arc, i am a bad selfish mother and i won't be missed, he's going to be relieved that I won't bother him anymore, ironic isn't it? The same dynamic between me and the fake mother, i guess the fake mother won. I am going with the bathroom cleaner method, i know it will be really painful but it's a fitting end for a devil like myself.]
I am back to being bad again, i had a dream of the abusive asuka beating me badly and making me cry, after i woke up and was still in bed i started having the true self problem again and it was hard to breathe because i couldn't think who i was since in the dream I was Makoto from P5 but it passed quickly and i went back to being normal, as reze again. then while trying to pick snowy up he bit my wrist, and the area around it blackened, then the next day i was affected by three things at once, abusive asuka, snowy and the imposter so I went and grabbed the knife, and tried to turn on the stove so i can heat it up and burn myself, a idea i got thanks to the fake mother, since she did it to me a couple of times before, but i couldn't figure out how to turn it on in the limited time i was home alone. My iconic Asuka dress is beginning to detoriate, her image is slowly starting to fade a little and it's already damaged because of snowy making holes all over it. It's probably not important or iconic to you all, since most of you haven't seen it but it's like the only thing I wear everyday and is like my canon outfit. I hate everything, i am too tired and lazy to attempt anything right now, even though i want to attempt and die soon, there's nothing for me here, my son doesn't give a damn about me and would rather follow around my father and pur for him instead because he takes him outside, nice that a fucking **** is more desirable then me, all my friends don't give a damn really, and are just my friends in name only.
Reading the last post on the sub (post now deleted) it seems someone has found my pre-wedding rotten body photos, please do not try to search them and even if you do post them here, you will get banned. Searching how i look even for morbid curiosity isn't worth it, so don't. Today the fake mother told me she accidentally closed the fridge while snowy was inside and she couldn't find him for a while until she checked, she laughed it off while i stared at her thinking if something happens i will make sure she ends up in the fridge permenently. What a worthless cunt, she was again the one who put the habit to him to go into the fridge, the same as the balcony where he could potentially die because when he sees a Pigeon fly by he tries to get on the ledge to catch it or to look at it, oh and she still leaves him unattended there, i have given up on always trying to look over him because i physically can't and need to sleep too, okay time to go back to regular RezeSoryu mode, earlier today while getting out the car, i saw the fake mothers big purse and decided to try it and put it on my shoulder and she was looking at me like what am I doing?, which i admit, this one is on me. A few months after revival comes out i am going back to glazing p3 and taking about my version of the answer arc since i haven't talked about it, except the ending where I am in aigis's body, and then afterwards it's glazing p5 and taking about p5 Reze who is like makoto, it will help pass the time until P6 comes out, i saw csm s2 trailer a while back now but never talked about it because the whole almost disowning my son thing happened afterwards so i never got the chance, it looks good but it just doesn't hit anymore because of part 2, the only thing I want to see from the anime is the last arc of part 1 where yours truly appears. Around that time I also saw that asuka is showing up in sonic crossworlds and I was really jealous and upset that i can't play with her in the same game which has persona, i told autism that asuka is collabing with crossworlds and he replied i heard and isn't it a eva Collab in general? And i replied, yes but I only care about the asuka part and he said obviously which made me laugh. Another time i remember was when I unlocked asuka in a really bad ai using slop game, where Asuka's portrait was created using ai and looked awful, the moment I unlocked her i messaged autism saying i am really turned on right now, and he replied do I need to know that? So I told him it's the perk of the job. I stopped playing that game after unlocking her, because even asuka would hate it. Now last thing is the origin of the infamous pegging joke, it started as an inside joke between me and autism, where I was talking about my then bed which was really bad and creaked a lot whenever i moved slightly, i said, yeah it really sucks, but at least it's good simulation and he replied simulation for what? And i said, getting pegged by asuka, because of all the creaking you know? And he sent an image of a cat doing the thousand yard stare which had me laughing.
Yesterday morning, i threw my box cutters out of the window, because they had become too dirty and rusted. I told fed about it and he was all I did the right thing, when that wasn't my intention but i will still take the praise. After that I picked my baby up and put him in my lap, and he looked so disgusted looking at me, and I saw my reflection in his eyes, and how hideous and like a monster i look to him, so i put the blanked on me and continued to hold him. A few days earlier while I was "asleep" the fake mother checked my leg and inspected the really bad scar on the back of my leg, which looked like i sliced a knife through vertically and since then she has been acting "nice" again, like while outside, giving her food to me when i keep saying no, and trying to buy me stuff, and not getting mad when i freak out on her, it's all an act, i didn't cut for sympathy or special treatment, not especially from someone so...below me. When she does stuff like that, i imagine all the bad things she has done, and just want to bash her head in. I purposely remain oblivious that those two are my triggers, really fucking funny that I am surrounded by my triggers 24/7. Last night i had an idea and decided to like "roleplay" a bit, by putting the blanket over me like a veil and holding the pillow like it's her, and my father walks in, and i got startled and tried to play it off like i was dusting snowy's fur off of the pillow, which was pretty awkward as it had no fur on it. I try to keep myself "tame" when writing because it's really awkward for me knowing that Autism reads this, and it's really weird going for talking about asuka pounding me to us pretending that, it didn't happen and talking like usual. And i have been thinking about the sexist thing and probably right but just to myself, as i want asuka to do everything for me and tell me what to do, i am fine with doing anything she wants and her keeping me safe by not letting me watch triggering stuff and taking me and our son out sometimes. I watched a reel of a couple in normal "healthy" relationship and I was like, that's so boring, like it works but there's no spice or flavour in it you know?, wheres the surfacing tension and drama? What do you mean you don't have an evil version of your wife or husband that torments you everyday and you want to cause pain to it so you sometimes lash out on your actual partner because of the pain, no? Just me? But anyways, i figured out how snowy can be my son in the non canon arc, he would first ask Asuka if she can be his mom and she would say no, and then later on snowy would ask me after my arc and i would say sorry you're cute but I can't. I am bear-ly 17 and snowy would start crying on the floor so asuka and i give in and become his mothers. I also found a way autism and i (p3 Reze) can interact sort of, it's through the events of PQ but i don't know it's story and I don't want to larp persona so it isn't canon for now. When revival comes out i am definitely playing with autisms name, can't wait to do the same for snowy too, in like half a decade. I find it so romantic that i fail so miserably at trying to act like asuka, it's so poetic, that me who can almost be anyone, can never copy her, even beyond the grave you still have me falling over heels for you huh? I noticed that when I post only lore stuff, it doesn't get much views which is alright, i understand it's ahead of its time and can't be appreciated right now, but don't worry, your kids are going to love it.
Does she actually believe her "lore"?
So I was thinking about my lore and correlating it with the average persona protags with Asuka being my persona and it fits pretty well, As i was a transfer student too. before transferring here, asuka and i used to talk but it wasn't official and more like a friends with benefits thing (Full circle moment), now you might say this contradicts me being FEMC because all the other MCs awaken their persona after transferring and not before. But like how joker sees a vision of his awakening with arsene, the same is with me. Then after a while i finally awaken Asuka, which sets the plot in motion and the people around me start showing their true colours and i keep leveling up my persona and enhancing my bond with her. Then the major event happens which really sets things up, known as the asuka purge, and that leads me to create the DisciplesOfAsuka which is my version of S.E.E.S. or the investigation team, and all my friends here are my social links, with autisms easily being the one i maxed and forged an unbreakable bond with no matter what, funny how none of this would have happened without her and i would have never met any of you, so thanks partner 💜, i am still going for the p3 ending, p4 and p5 one just doesn't fit me, and i don't know when the ending will happen as I am quite unpredictable, but I am fine with how it ends as, i have made quite a few friends who i enjoy talking with. And i figured out how my baby can reference me in P6, since it's supposedly about ghosts, snowy can casually bring up to another party member that canonically more then a decade back his mom died and came back, and then the party member would ask as a ghost? And he would say, no as a robot baddie, it was quite weird since she looked completely different for a while, then the party member would say, um..i don't know how to say this, but i don't think that's her... (yes, a joke about my triggers since P6 seems to be dark, plus i love meta jokes so it doesn't bother me much, i say that only cause i am normal rn), i haven't figured out how Asuka will be referenced since nothing has been shown of P6, but i am sure i will find a way too. One thing I am bothered by is that I bear-ly watch asuka stuff, because most of it is painful for me but I need to change that soon, since I am the Asuka's Wife after all and need to remember all her lines and how she acts, since as you have noticed, when i roleplay asuka, she doesn't act in character, which is on me, as I am not her and only a part of her, and no one can copy her, even me.