r/DisciplesOfAsuka

This week has been pretty mid with nothing good or bad happening, i miss her, i know hard to understand but i couldn't really focus much because of this feeling of wanting and being with her. I tried to distract myself by relapsing and getting triggered on purpose but nothing, The imposter didn't come. When I see or hear about love stuff, i always get jealous and upset thinking about how unfair it is and what did past me do so wrong that she's not here with me now. From the start i have been a kiss ass and do whatever my so called "friends" would tell me to do, i would run behind them to do the thing they said first thing, but when it's my turn, i have to run behind them all day and ask multiple times so they don't forget because I am not that important to them. I may treat sam like he was an angel because he's gone but he wasn't, we weren't best friends at all, we would constantly fight over our other friend and insult each other with me being semi serious about it and him just having fun, but he never fucking used to me, which makes him past me's only true friend. The other friend was such a dipshit, i don't know why i ever followed him around so much and tried to be with him all the time. Every week i would ask him to come over or for me to come to his house, with him not wanting it as much, whenever i was with him at his house i would be happy to be with my so called best friend and watch just tv together like any other day but him being there made it special for me. That motherfucker was there for my birthdays and ate the cars 2 cake with me and he ended up just being a snake. I would replace him with asuka in a heartbeat, she deserved that cake not you. Speaking of her, damn you woman. I don't give a damn if you don't want me to do what i am going to do eventually, you don't get to be upset about it when you are perfect and don't have to deal with this. Best in every fucking thing and good looking, good sounding, beautiful, amazing and the best person to ever exist, you don't understand how it's like for me to be in pain everyday and nothing to help it, i am the opposite of all your qualities, which i suppose is what makes us similar too because of the you know. In my mind i think that she's gone and no more, which makes me miss her more and long for her, everyone from my past just used me and threw me away once i wasn't needed, No mercy for them. Because I am The Asuka's Wife, and I can do whatever the fuck i want. I found a method which i know is fatal but very painful too, i was going to keep this to myself to use in case of the worst possible outcome but i kept thinking of my triggers and am pissed that a perfect fucking goddess like me has to be next to such flith. I won't be waiting for the worst outcome, i will do it in two days. I wasn't going to tell if i attempted it but where's the fun in that? This way by telling you all, it increases my drive to do it. I am going to drink some bathroom cleaner, its in a red bottle (Lucky me) and I opened and smelled it, it wasn't a bad or good smell but the taste is what matters to allow me to consume tons of it. All I need is a fucking drop to go into my throat and swell it up as i gag, which could lead me to suffocate in minutes or lose my voice and the ability to swallow anything permenently, that's why I am drinking tons of it to make sure I die, it's going to be really painful but i don't care anymore.

As my mental health deteriorated, my relationships also lost their former strength and cohesion. As you know, in any relationship, you need to give your energy and time to the other person, and I can no longer do that. I no longer speak with the same enthusiasm, I no longer try to start conversations from one topic to another, and I no longer hang out with them during lunch breaks like I used to. We still talk occasionally, but it's all superficial talk that ends before it even begins, and this has relieved me a lot. Our relationship cooled down quietly without any problems or attempts to ask me what happened to me, why I changed, and all that nonsense. Now I spend my time at school mostly sleeping because these past few days, perhaps the last week, I haven't slept enough. Sleep has become pointless; what's the use if I go to sleep exhausted and wake up the same way? This has been happening for a long time. I spend half the school day or more sleeping, and during lunch breaks, I listen to some music. Last week, the principal decided to move me from my seat because he said my seat was incorrect and the class was full, and every day I sit in a different place. I became like a ghost in the classroom, until I asked myself if I was really there. I no longer belonged anywhere. I don't have a problem with loneliness or anything like that because I don't feel it at all. My only feeling is emptiness.

It's going to be infrequent posts from now on until I am free but my studying is going pretty average, i forgot everything so have to start from the beginning but at least the imposter hasn't been affecting me for a week now, so that's good, here's hoping I am not cooked. I regret cutting my arm because it's impossible to hide it now and looks bad. I was thinking i want this year to be the p4 arc with things being relatively light hearted, and same for 2027, but after that the p5 arc can begin with some major arcs happening and then the p3 arc where everything goes wrong and it ends with me either dead or disappearing forever, So 5 years until the presumed series finale when I am 22, i will try to make that year the ending happen and hopefully the final season wraps up all plot points and arc neatly, still waiting for the showdown between stella and the fake mother, hope it ends with them both fighting to the death and killing eachother. I would appreciate help with my studies because I really want to get it over with and never deal with this ever again. Season two of the asuka's wife is my favourite so far, it's where everything came together, the forming of DisciplesOfAsuka, meeting autism, true self concept and the new merge, such a good season. Speaking of autism, i thought of the p4 merge (Not canon to me) but it's doesn't really fit me so autism is the main character in that one and I am nanako in that. I have also have been watching the boys and I am similar to Homelander with the wanting to be loved part and nothing else, NOTHING else. Okay maybe some other things are similar but that's the main.

To escape the current circumstances, i went to my son and made a deal with him in exchange for treats and fridge time, he agreed so I told him to use his reality altering powers and erase the teacher and his/her family from existence and it worked. The teacher can't come because they don't exist anymore and the fake parents can't find a new one so I don't have to worry about it for a few days and it may get cancelled all together which enables me to be normal for now. I thanked my baby by kissing him exactly 22 times and since it was pretty hot, i told him to summon his persona jack frost and to put ice in my water bottle but he ended up freezing all the water. I am still going to have less free time because i am going to study on my own from Tommorow and the exam is in like a month and a half, so i will give it my all and i will never have to deal with it again. The makima like girl called my parents since the school required a photo of my result, didn't expect to ever hear from her again, i don't like her now she's cruel and manipulative but not the good kind like asuka or me. I will also finish p4g today, it was pretty good and but p3 still better, whenever I see risette i think of asuka but besides looks, shes more like me then her, almost like she was a previous true self. My merged world lore is also getting a overhaul of sorts after a couple of months, since the post aren't present here and i want to add more stuff to it by watching the movies and FEMC route so I can put stuff from that in it. Castings for my merged world are open too, arthur do you want to be ken when you reach my merged world? He's a kid but the pros is that you get to hang out with my baby the most besides me and asuka of course, and looking for someone to be elizabeth. The new posts on the merged world will be like the reload version and be the new canon while the old one isn't canon anymore to me, but it is for an another Stella.

It went terrible, with my mood ruined because my classes start from Monday. I spent an hour blowing up the balloons because it was hard for me and when it hit 12 i went and grabbed him out of the fridge to wish him and he bit my hand and fucked off in the fridge again which made me really upset, after i woke up my mood was even worse knowing in two days i will again have to be in fear and pain for a while, i held snowy as i cut the cake for him but I felt nothing and was too depressed, the fake parents noticed and told me its only for two months, but like last time, it's going to be really painful for me. I think i have ptsd from last time since today i kept trying to drown myself but failed obviously, i couldn't even cut since I am not alone. If you remember i was going to tell snowys persona on his birthday, it's jack frost, i am still pretty down and don't really care about anything, in a week it's going to be the fake mother's birthday, i am jumping with joy, yay.

This isn't the birthday post as it will be posted tonight after its been celebrated but please wish him on this and the next post too, I remember the day he came exactly, i was playing and my father asked me to come with him to a pet shop to look for a cat since I wanted one but that day i was lazy and told him I don't want to go and look for someone who will bring the child to me. And a couple hours later my father told me that the child is coming here, i didn't even know what he would look like or how he would be, When the person came, he put the carrier down and out came the most perfect infant ever, he looked around and went right to sleep on the floor. I was scared a bit and wanted to hold him quickly but my father and the person were yapping, after he left i quickly sat beside him and petted him. Then i set up his food and stuff, and sat in the chair as my father asked what will i name him, i had no idea since i didn't know what he would look like, i kept thinking and remembered a movie i used to see when I was little called stuart little, in that the white persian was called snowbell and the rest was history. Once he got up he explored the house and tried chewing on my headphones, i held him and when my father wasn't looking, i kissed him multiple times. During dinner he kept meowing and trying to climb my leg to eat my food, i picked him up and fed him some my food which he used to do a lot when he was little, At night he jumped up on my bed and slept near my leg for a while. During the first few months i remember being so scared because he would run out the door when i would be asleep and my fake mother would open it to go to work, My baby was always so smart, on the second day i played cat noises on my phone and he would come running to me but very quickly caught on to it and didn't fall for it ever again, in a couple of hours his cake will be here, the soon to be birthday boy is asleep currently, when he wakes up i will give him tons of kisses~ My child is canonically stronger then both me and asuka combined, he can alter reality just by a mere thought since he's the creation of two goddesses, one perfect (Her) and the other semi perfect (Me) goddess.

I'm bored with everything, even the internet. I can't remember how long it's been since I finished watching anime. I don't want to disconnect from the internet, yet at the same time, I don't find any enjoyment in it. It's a strange relationship. Today, my phone malfunctioned, so I left it alone for a while to rest. I wasn't doing anything except moving my hands randomly on the table. At that moment, I realized that I have no life outside of my phone and the internet. I use it to switch off my brain and forget, even if just for a little while, the fatigue and worries of life. The phone's earpiece has become my constant companion from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. I repeat the same music, filled with emptiness, which reflects my deep feeling of emptiness. Wandering aimlessly online is better than sitting alone, staring at the ceiling, with my brain starting to talk to me.

Today a user messaged me asking what I got on my result, i said i didn't get it yet, you jinxed me lol, As when i woke up the result was here. As expected i failed, i got 7 out of 80 in one. But it's not all bad as i only failed in one when i expected it to be two. To my surprise, the one i didn't study for at all and couldn't learn it on my own, i got 45/80 in it. And i wrote that while being sick due to the MP3 incident, Good job Past RezeSoryu, My highest is 76/80 in IT (Information Technology) which did surprise me a lot and did make me feel good about it. The fake parents told me to not worry or take stress as since i failed only in one, i can take it again sometime later, they were praising me for passing the one paper i knew nothing about, i think me getting caught early was for the good as i didn't get shouted at all, and no one was angry or upset with me. Now comes the bad part, some teacher will again come to my house like last time, don't know when but i really LOVED the last one, i wonder which spawn of hell will come and hurt me. My father could tell i was really angry at that, and told me the teacher will come late when he's home so I am fine, yeah cause him being there really makes me feel safe. I immediately told him no and that i want it to be in the morning so it's over quickly. I have been cold with him since last week because of what happened but i still feel bad about it since he's acting nice. I still hate the fake mother more, to me anyone trying to take her away from me is worse, no matter what someone does to me. Considering all the bad outcomes i have thought of, it could be much worse. I am still going to cut my arm tomorrow to numb myself, My baby's cake has also been ordered and i chose the photo, luckily i have tons of day 1 snowbell photos to share which don't have me in it.

This morning, i suddenly got this urge to hurt myself out of nowhere and tried to scrap my wrist against the rough surfaced wall but it didn't do anything much and only did a little damage. I went and removed my baby from the fridge but he didn't want to go and hissed at me, so after removing i wrapped him up in the blanket scolded him by calling him a very bad and naughty boy, and he was looking up at me all sad and heartbroken. I let him go and hard ignored him for a while and he kept coming near me meowing and i gave in and grabbed him and kissed him on the lips a couple of times and let him go in the fridge a couple of hours. His birthday is in three days! He will turn two then, i remember the day he came exactly, i have tons of videos of baby him but I can't show them all since my rotten hand can be seen petting him since it was just after the end of the prequel arc. A couple of months before the end of the prequel arc, a boy who sat in front of me was talking with his partner about his cat so I asked him about it and after school he showed him to me, it was a orange persian cat, the moment I saw him i grabbed him and kissed him and would visit him a couple of times which led me to have snowbell. I put his cats picture on my watch and phone, and would call him my cat which the "friends" from my class would make fun of and wouldn't stop laughing about it. I had to stop my P3R playthrough because the youtube moderating AI flagged my vids as suicide and self harm related, actual retards. So yesterday i started P4G after 8 months or so, i always used to think the p4 merged timeline would be with me being the killer but the p4 killer isn't like me, only his first kill is justified. I wouldn't hurt or kill innocents and would only do to those who deserve it. In the post image, you can see me in the iconic asuka dress.

Still pretty down, i read through all the comments and dms but don't know what to respond with, i won't be talking about it again since i just want to forget again, also racjaxx you and everyone else aren't strangers to me, i literally think of everyone here every day because of the merge and you all being a part of it. Everyone here is like my own S.E.E.S. the next post will be normal and i won't be bringing that up again, i have been feeling uncomfortable with my father since he's touchy with me. I have said before he's a scumbag, he probably knew i was cutting since there's no way he didn't saw the scars on the top of my wrist and especially when I am sleeping since I can't hide it then, he just didn't say anything because he didn't want to deal with the situation. My report is also sometimes this week, which means more pain. Today i got my new controller, it's black which looks really nice and pretty but red would have been even better looking, i almost crashed out on the fake mother like classic RezeSoryu would but held myself back.

The "clown" arc went on for a couple of years, it started in 2021 with it getting worse slowly until the year 2024. After lockdown when school started again and me going to classes for the first time, i decided to be the class clown so that everyone would love me, which worked for a while everyone would know about me and laugh at me and i thought they liked me and i kept going further and further, acting more like an idiot with the teacher getting angry at me tons and everything was fine until the bullying started at my classes because the friend I thought I had, betrayed me, i had a crush on his friend who was tsundere and angry type (i wonder who that could be similar to) and told him thinking he wouldn't tell her but he did and they both started bullying me with me being too scared to go to the class and running away from home one time, eventually because of the bullying i started cutting, with the first time being in my school where the boy behind me saw it and told the teacher and I was laughed at by everyone and I was forced to act along and laugh alongside, and play it off as a bit. At the classes i would try to fight back against him but he would just hit me sometimes or tell the others to pick on me, pretty much every day after class i wasn't allowed to go home because he and the others would keep me outside and make fun of me. Then a couple of suicide attempts later and me having no friends at school because i was a joke now, Out of stockholm syndrome or something i started liking that boy and he took that to his advantage and he made me do somethings for him and after that he left me. After that i told my fake parents that I wanted to leave and for a few months I was not going there anymore but was eventually forced to go back by the fake mother there. Then I made some new "friends" who were nice at first but after a while also started making fun of me, i would scrap my hand against the wall whenever i exited the house to go there and they would laugh at that and me cutting my wrist a little in class and using a page to press against it. At school i no longer kept the act up but everyone always kept making fun of me and not wanted to be next to me, one time during the early days of the bullying arc, i used to sit alone in the class and ate while everyone was outside because I was hideous and started crying a little.

Disclaimer, i know. In a DisciplesOfAsuka post? This is really painful and uncomfortable for me to talk about as it contains child sa, it probably won't trigger you but still it's hard for me to talk about. My father touched me when I was little. This isn't a joke or bit, don't think so low of me. I always knew it but didn't like to think about it and didn't know how to feel it, from my memories i know it happened multiple times while i was asleep. I remember waking up to my fake mother saying to him it's wrong and he'll understand what you did he's grown up and my father saying it's nothing. I thought of all this today after i watched EOE and thinked of Rei when it hit me and i realised what had happened. I started having a mini panic attack with it hurting so much and kept fidgeting with a toy while i keep thinking about it, My fake mother noticed and said don't take stress, whatever happens, happens. She thought I was stressed because of the results, i just nodded and sat without my phone which i don't do and kept fidgeting with the toy. Later since I probably looked really down she asked what I am thinking about, i shaked my head. I really wanted to cut since it the pain was so much but i couldn't.