weaponized incompetence?
i (21 F) love my bf (21M) to pieces. he's truly my best friend in the world. he's extremely emotionally supportive and he's just the cutest thing in the world!!! we've been together for 2 years and been living together for many months.
he's pretty typical as a man in the sense that he maybe does really lack in areas to take care of himself. grew up with him mom cooking and serving him every night and doing everything. he's fairly clean but sometimes he genuinely lack the abilityo to fully care for himself. like if i don't cook dinner for him he either won't eat, spend money on doordash, or will just eat literal shit. i am by no means claiming to be the healthiest person in the world and i love myself a struggle meal, but like its always this burden if i get home from my 12 hour shifts and don't want to make dinner, im literally only thinking about him. not even myself. and its exhausting. i've told him this and he's like i don't know why you even care it's fine. he says he'll never demand me to do full time "wife" things for him but like you know deep down he wants me to make him these good meals and take care of him
this part also really really hurts me and makes me feel tremendous shame. i sometimes think i actively resent him for his incompetence sometimes. examples: he's a car guy. bought a car he really wanted when he was 18-19. the car frequently breaks and isn't reliable. he has been using my car full time for over 6 months. i'll drop him off at work or he'll find a ride. he's home from work at 3 every day and never works a weekend. he still hasn't fixed his car so i resent him when he asks me to drop him off or asks me when i'll be back so he can have my car. god am i horrible for thinking this is so lazy?? i'm all for going through a struggle with something expensive like maintaining a car.
sometimes he will ask me the stupidest question expecting me to know everything when a google search is sufficient. again, im all for doing my best for him. he's my baby and i love him. but like it genuinely feels like im caring for a dependent sometimes. we've almost split because of this and sometimes with me telling him exactly what to do (like chores or things that need done) he can do it and stay on top of things. but i am such an independent person i don't understand how or why someone could be so reliant on a single partner for everything who is working full time and starting nursing school full time who has also never done life before but it confident figuring it out
i write this after being tipped over the edge last night. maybe unless you're a woman, you'll understand. i'm in bed prepping for another 12 hour shift, my bf comes in and is like hey i drank one of your alannis. it's 10pm at night. we both work tomorrow. i even bought juice if he was craving something other than milk or water. who drinks 200mg of caffeine at 10pm just because? "oh caffeine doesn't really do anything for me" ok it's 200mg of caffeine at night that's just horrible for you. i sound like a prude but i can't explain it i think im at a point where little things enrage me
how do i address this without loosing control and making him shut down