u/Riilo — reddlx

Top 10 BH songs

I've been listening to this band for a year and I thought I would make a list of my favourite songs . This is rly subjective but these are the songs that mean the most to me. Let me know what you guys think and what your list would be

From least best to best -

Silver soul - feels like an old friend
Chariot - crying over a relationship that never happened
Used to be - reminiscing on a childhood
Superstar - hope
Days of Candy - growing old with people you love
Devil's Pool - letting go of someone who hurt you
On the Sea - uncontrollable grief
Beyond Love - bleeding out under the stars
Gila - a perfect one night stand
Myth - unconditional love

Space song introduced me to beach house so I have to give that one a mention. It also helped pull me out of a terrible depression after leaving home after narcissistic abuse..

Whoever is reading, hope you had a great day and remember you are always deserving of love <3

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u/Riilo — 5 days ago

▲ 10 r/NPD

Anyone else try to find any other explanations for their behaviours?

I left home a year ago after abuse from my narc mother. I went through a phase of learning about narcissism and trying to improve my severe dissociation (which i realise has been the majority of my life). I blamed all my behaviours/cognitions on my mother and inside felt really pleased that "id figured it all out and life would now be bearable", which i now understand was just grandiose delusion to support my collapsed sense of self.

labeled myself as having cptsd from trauma and self isolated for half a year doing emdr and cold showers to snap myself out of the psychosis id been living in for most my life. Told myself id be alright eventually. Kept making excuses for the ways i thought and would switch between multiple ideas weekly - thinking i was just neurodivergent, then telling myself that "everything you deal with must be bpd",

Felt really happy with my progress and decided to meet up with friends again hoping for improvement and feeling like i could allow myself to be genuine, just to feel like nothing about me had changed. it feels like the only way i can escape my self destructive thoughts and shame around others is to regress myself to a much younger age, people please, and totally discard myself/needs. When i try to stay present i just feel like a void and its the most unbearable shit ever. I don't see myself as another someone, more like an alien who shouldn't be looked at or spoken to, and when people do sincerely reach out to me i self sabotage and push them away before they get too close.

It's like since exiting the dissociation i was dealing with, its only brought up all the underlying defects. Like atp im wondering if its worth living when each day feels like im a walking performative piece of crap, never connecting, never being vulnerable, never having strong opinions or desires. Even when i want to cry i cant. I get brief flashes of what life could've felt like when im drunk or sleep deprived, and all i really want in life is inner peace. Does this get better to all the people out there struggling with this shit? Should i try and fight my thoughts or just let myself be consumed?

Even as I am writing this i catch myself thinking that whatever im writing must be a unique experience and of extreme importance.. Also doesnt feel like im reaching out for answers rather a performative monologue, maybe bc im writing this without a functioning self?.. idk

this disorder sucks. (its probably just bpd) - stfu

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u/Riilo — 23 days ago

▲ 5 r/spaceengine