I don't know what to do anymore
I'm desperate.
In November, my mom died after months in the hospital. Shortly before she died, I found out I was pregnant. I was able to tell her; she smiled and died the next day. My world fell apart, but I tried to stay strong for my baby. I had some bleeding in December, and that’s when I was told I was expecting twins, but that the girl hadn’t made it. And once again, something inside me broke. It was my first pregnancy, and I was very anxious. In January, I had my first major screening. My baby was underdeveloped. There were many painful exams and appointments. At 30 weeks, I had a very painful stillbirth. It was late April, and I was afraid of the upcoming Mother’s Day. In the meantime, my father had been admitted to the hospital because of pain; no one knew exactly what was wrong.
Mother’s Day arrived. My first Mother’s Day without my mom. My first Mother’s Day as a mom, but without my children. I was devastated. Then I got a call from the hospital: my father had died. On Mother’s Day. I still feel numb and empty today. Weeks went by, and in June my doctor told me I was pregnant again. I was scared—almost panicked—but there was a heartbeat. I was still sad because of the loss before, but I thought we deserved a healthy baby. Today I had to go to the doctor for my first major screening. No heartbeat.
My baby was gone ... Again.
I'm almost 35.
I'm scared.
I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I don't want to go on anymore.